Hilarious Woke Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Woke Jokes

Prison may be just one word But to others, it's a whole sentence

Edit: I fell asleep after posting this and woke up seeing it on the front page, thanks guys!

Score: 13945

Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.

Score: 13870

I named my kid Bob Ross He was a happy little accident.

Edit: Wooo! Front page! I was not expecting that. I woke up today and saw a k after the amount of upvotes I was expecting. Thanks!

Score: 8046

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.

Score: 7594

Guess who woke up to 32 missed calls from their ex? My ex.

Stephanie, I miss you, please come back to me

Score: 2054

John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Edit: double enter

Score: 1891

The American education system obviously listen to Pink Floyd. They've left those kids a loan.

EDIT: Woke up to find THIS :O

Score: 1614

Score: 978

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_

His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_

He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Score: 805

Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

Score: 754

I dreamed I drowned in an ocean made of orange soda. When I woke I realized it was just a Fanta sea.

Score: 646

A thief A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Score: 635

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.” Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

Score: 608

So I woke up this morning to my dishwasher making a weird sound.. Turns out she was just vacuuming.

Score: 426

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident. The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

Score: 336

A thief broke into my house last night... He was searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

Score: 284

What did the ghost say when it woke up with a bad hangover? “Man, I really need to lay off the boos.”

Score: 255

Slept like a baby last night Woke up every hour and just cried about my life.

Score: 240

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself? She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Score: 194

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10. Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

Score: 194

I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring. So I guess I made it home okay...

Score: 193

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.

Score: 162

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school? It's ok now, he woke up.

Score: 157

Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ? Son : No, what happened ?

Dad : It is ok he woke up.

Score: 151

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy... then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

Score: 150

A thief broke into my house last night. He was searching for money,

...so I woke up and started searching with him.

Score: 115

Had a dream i was a car. When i woke up, i was exausted.

Score: 104

A thief broke into my house last night.. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so i woke up and searched with him.

Score: 98

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor.. At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

Score: 97

There was a kidnapping at my son's school today but they woke him up in time for recess.

Score: 97

I think Putin woke up late today I saw him Russian to work

Score: 54

Today I woke up an optimist... He thanked me for waking him up

Score: 42

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.

Score: 42

I saw a kidnapping at school ...so I woke him up.

Score: 41

I had a dream last night about being a muffler I woke up exhausted

Score: 41

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school? He woke up.

Score: 34

Wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face.. Man I love sharpies

Score: 33

There was a kidnapping at my school He woke up.

Score: 32

I woke up this morning and my bedside light had turned into a moth... That's the last time I ever buy a larva lamp…

Score: 31

There was a kidnapping today I woke him up

Score: 30

New Woke Jokes

I woke up this morning and my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying”this isn’t working bye” But when I opened it, it was working fine

Score: 3

What did Adam say when he woke up with a rib missing? Something smells fishy around here.

Score: 3

Anybody heard about the kidnapping in Sydney, Australia ? Yeah he woke up.

Score: 3

There was a kidnapping in the local high school. Luckily a teacher woke him up.

Score: 6

Just a John Cena joke John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
She responded
"ICU"
He said
"No you don't "

Score: 9

I was staying in a crappy motel. In the middle of the night a beautiful woman woke me up by pounding on the door and begging me to open it. I felt so bad... ... that I decided to let her out.

Score: 5

I woke up feeling so animated this morning. Probably because the curtains were drawn.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the kidnapping last night? But it's okay, he woke up.

Score: 3

Had a dream about a muffler last night.... I woke up exhausted.

Score: 8

There was a kidnapping at my school... But don't worry about him, he woke up.

Score: 12

I woke up this morning to a robber in my house searching for money... I joined him

Score: 9

Did you hear about the insomniac social justice activist? He was woke af

Score: 4

Yesterday I decided to change my WiFi name to "Hack me if you can" When I woke up this morning I saw the name changed to "Challenge accepted" somebody help.

Score: 9

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It turned out ok! He woke up

Score: 6

Last night I dreamt of being a muffler I woke up exhausted.

Score: 11

Woke up at 5:30am to get a head start on driving to view the Eclipse today Must have missed the start though- it was already dark.

Score: 6

My son told me about a kidnapping at his school... The teacher eventually woke the kid up for recess.

Score: 8

Woke up. There was a group of indians protesting outside my house Must be all the pipe I am laying.

Score: 5

I woke up this morning next to a woman whose name I don't even know. I guess that's what it's like when you're in a hospital ward.

Score: 9

Self service in the OR Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.

Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self.”

Score: 24

My wife gave me the best 20 years of my life. But then she woke up from the coma.

Score: 7

What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes? Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to work I go.

Score: 4

I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow. When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!

Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...

Score: 22

Did you hear the one about the soldier who came home unexpectedly ? His wife woke up to find him standing at the foot of the bed with his discharge in his hands.

Score: 3

Today these things happened: 1. I woke up
2. I went to 7/11
3. I won the lottery
4. I bought a Lamborghini

real order: 2,3,4,1

Score: 13

I slept like a baby last night I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying

Score: 25

the protagonist of Wolfenstein went into a coma Don't worry, when he woke up, everything was alt right.

Score: 6

There was a kidnapping in New York. But then he woke up.

Tied up in a basement.

Score: 4

Did you hear about the kidnapping at this school today? It's ok now, the kid woke up.

Score: 8

I saw Comedy Central launch a funny non-political TV show... Then I woke up

Score: 3

Did you hear about the kidnapping at that school? It's all under control now, he woke up.

Score: 4

What did the blonde say when she woke up under the milk cow? "Oh! Are all you guys still here?"

Score: 4

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, it woke up

Score: 24

A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night and said, " I think there's a burglar downstairs and he's eating the cake that my mother made for us. "

" Who do you want me to call? " said the husband

" The police or an ambulance? "

Score: 3

I once woke up in the middle of an operation. It nearly cost me my medical licence.

Score: 7

I woke up in the middle of an operation once. The nurse said “Don’t worry, you just drifted off for a minute doctor.”

Score: 27

I was tickling my brothers feet last night and my mother woke up and had a right go at me!! something about waiting till he's born first?

Score: 5

It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house. # Blackfliesmatter

Score: 3

I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler I woke up exhausted.

Score: 11

The couple agreed that the first one to wake up had to wake up the other with oral. The guy woke up first and the girl was soon gasping for air.

Score: 8

I witnessed a kidnapping today So I woke him up

Score: 3

Last night I dreamt that I was drinking orange soda... But the I woke up and realized that it was just a Fanta-sea.

Score: 26

I slept like a baby last night. Woke up screaming ten times and crapped myself.

Score: 5

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its alright now. He woke up

Score: 3

I had a dream I was dreaming... Woke up to find I wasn't dreaming.

This may be bad but at least you're happy with your life.

Score: 4

There was a kidnapping at my school. It's ok he woke up

Score: 16

Last night I dreamed I ate a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

Score: 3

I dreamt of a cobalt blue pig last night. When I woke up I realized that it was just a pigment of my imagination.

Score: 13

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? He woke up.

Score: 11

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Score: 3

You should always have a pet to make you feel safe... Just the other night my wife woke me tell me heard glass breaking and footsteps downstairs.

She calmed down when I told it was probably just the fish.

Score: 4

I once dreamed that I fell down a flight of stairs. I was so relieved when I woke up safely in the hospital.

Score: 7

I saw a BMW driver using their turning signal! But then I woke up from my dream.

Score: 6

Eat Marshmallow and Digest a Pillow I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.

Score: 3

If Ronald Reagan were alive today he would roll in his grave... roll, scream, kick and so would you if you woke up in a casket.

Score: 11

I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth

Score: 26

So I had this dream of eating a large marshmallow The scary part was when I woke up I found my pillow missing.

*Took this off an essay example thing we were given in English, thought it'd be pretty funny to post on here

Score: 4

Light Yagami thought he was going to die on those stairs, but then he woke up the next day... And realized it was just a Near-Death experience.

Score: 19

Woke up early this morning to try to catch the fog. I Mist.

Score: 14

Last night I reached for my medicine and accidentally drank from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Score: 3