Hilarious Wood Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Wood Jokes

A lion would never drive while drunk. But a tiger wood.

Score: 17795

I can cut a piece of wood in half by only looking at it It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes

Score: 2130

It's true, I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it I saw it with my own eyes

Score: 409

My uncle drank a whole bottle of wood varnish He had a horrible death but a lovely finish

Score: 361

I can cut wood using just my eyes It is true, I saw it with my own eyes

Score: 348

I can cut wood just by looking at it. It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

Score: 269

The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

Score: 241

What kind of wood makes the best chairs? Cherry wood.

Score: 160

My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted

Score: 153

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it..... It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

Score: 149

GUESS WHAT I SAW! Wood.

Score: 145

A lion would never cheat on his wife... But a Tiger Wood.

Score: 142

What does a necrophiliac get at a funeral? Mourning wood

Score: 141

Girl, are you a termite? Because you're gonna get a mouthful of wood tonight

Score: 132

What do necrophiliacs get at funerals? Mourning wood.

Score: 113

I can cut wood by only looking at it It's true, i saw it with my eyes

Score: 113

I can cut wood just by looking at it. No, it's true! I saw it with my own eyes!

Score: 112

What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died? Mourning wood.

Score: 97

When did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? When his hand caught fire.

Score: 82

What do you call an erection at a funeral? Mourning wood.

Score: 81

A lion would never cheat on its wife. But a Tiger wood.

Score: 74

Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it

Score: 73

A Woody Joke What wood happen if you had a Wooden Car

With Wooden Seats

Wooden Tires

And A Wooden Engine?

It Wooden't Start

Score: 70

Roses are red, Rum is good... Too much rum..Now no wood :(

Score: 68

I have the ability to cut a piece of wood in half just by staring at it. It's true... I saw it with my own eyes.

Score: 68

My evening wouldn’t normally start out with an erection... ..but my morning wood.

Score: 61

My favorite tree died earlier. Now I have mourning wood.

Score: 59

My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it.

Score: 55

if it's called morning wood for men then what is it for women.. Morning dew.

Score: 55

If men get morning wood… Do women get morning dew?

Score: 53

I discovered recently that I can cut wood just by looking at it It's true I saw it with my eyes

Score: 51

What did the necrophiliac have at the funeral Mourning wood

Score: 45

What's it called when you get an erection at a funeral? Mourning wood.

Score: 45

I always wanted a skateboard. So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.

And beat her to death.

Score: 39

I want to make a funeral home in the forest I'll call it "Mourning Wood"

Score: 38

I managed to cut a piece of wood by staring at it. I saw it with my own eyes.

Score: 30

I got a hard on at my wifes funeral Guess you could say I had mourning wood.

Score: 30

I had a suspicion that a robot might be stealing my wood So I checked its log files.

Score: 17

What do you call a drunk piece of wood? Hammered.

Score: 15

When is a sailor made of wood? When he's a board.

Score: 12

New Wood Jokes

If you gave birth to a baby on a sheet of wood. You would give birth on the labour board.

Score: 1

I hope I never get erectile dysfunction... Knock on wood.

Score: 0

I got a hard on at a funeral so thought It might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist. She said it was nothing unusual, just a standard case of mourning wood.

Score: 2

I went to buy a new car, but I couldn’t afford a Korean built Kia. So I bought an IKEA, it’s a Swedish car made of wood that I had to assemble myself!

Score: 1

Would a lion leave its wife? No, but a tiger wood.

Score: 8

My construction worker friend says he has stopped getting morning wood. He says he has a rock tile dysfunction.

Score: 2

What’s it called when someone gets an erection at a funeral? Mourning wood

Score: 4

I have really bad morning wood Every night I go to sleep under my blanket, but wake up under a tent.

Score: 1

I was going a tree for fire wood I asked the tree some tough questions as I chopped but it never answered.

It was stumped.

Score: 2

I just peed with morning wood It was hard

Score: 2

I never did understand morning wood. I don’t typically get aroused at funerals.

Score: 2

morning wood is like my childhood... wasted potential

Score: 7

I can't stand wood jokes... They're so screwed up

Score: 3

I remember after The Little Mermaid all the girls wanted to be mermaids. I asked "What do you know about breathing in water?" to one and she said... "I wouldn't know anything about it, but Natalie Wood"

Score: 1

What do Michael Bay and a priest offer a young boy? Hollywood and Holy wood respectively.

Score: 4

Two male trees are sitting at the bar... One tree says to the other, "Hey man, see her over there? I wonder what kind of wood she has under that bark."

His friend responds, "Hmm, I don't know, Cedar?"

To which the first tree replies, "Cedar? I don't even know her!

Score: 2

What does a stoner use to cut wood? A saw dude

Score: 8

Halloween jokes What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos.

Whay do you call wood that's scared?
Petrified.

Score: 2

A farmer's wire fence was broken, so he put new wood into the ground and ran wire across it. This is a repost.

Score: 11

What do you call a chicken who likes to carve wood? Chicken Whittle!!!

Score: 2

My best friend partially fell into a wood chipper and there was nothing left when we pulled him out He was all right

Score: 2

AI will silently take over a lot of industries until it gets to carpentry... then suddenly everyone will start coming out of the wood work

Score: 6

What did lumberjack's wife say to lumberjack at the end of the day? Got wood?

Score: 1

What condition did the environmentalist wake up with every day after a local forest fire? Mourning Wood...

Score: 4

Can I crash in your place tonight? Sure! But you're gonna have to make your own bed Here are the wood planks, the nails and the toolbox

^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry

Score: 3

Why did the place where two roads diverged in the yellow wood become overgrown quickly? Because Frost increases soil fertility!

Score: 2

Why do you have an erection at a funeral? Mourning wood.

Score: 8

They promised me, they promised today will be the last time this stupid untrained dog will ever pee on my carpet! Plus, if it takes them more than eight hours to install the wood floors I get them free!

Score: 2

Two different testicles Doctor: You got two different testicles. One is made of wood and the other one is metal.

Man: * **surprised** *

Doctor: Do you have children?

Man: Yes, two - Pinocchio is 3 and Terminator will be 7 soon.

Score: 5

A lion wouldn't drunk drive But a tiger wood

Score: 2

When did Pinocchio realized that he is made from wood? When his right arm caught on fire...

Score: 3

I hope y'all have a beautiful morning wood

Score: 7

There are four types of ticks. . . . Wood ticks.
Deer ticks.
Lyme ticks.
Poli-ticks.

Score: 1

Would anyone like some prescription drugs? Tiger Wood

Score: 4

If you get hard at a funeral... ...is that a mourning wood?

Score: 9

There is a university in Germany that continually searches for the biggest piece of wood Its the Max Plank institute

Score: 4

What do you call a tree funeral? Mourning wood.

Score: 3

I once dated a girl at a lumber yard... I got wood every time I saw her.

Score: 8

What kinda wood doesn't float? Natalie Wood

Score: 1

So I heard a tree service worker tried to stuff one of his coworkers into a wood chipper.... I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he doesn't have a shred of decency .

Score: 3

Next time someone complains about millennials Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.

Score: 11

Why are vaginas called beavers? Because they eat wood!

Score: 2

I can cut a piece of wood in half by looking at it It's true, I saw it with my own eyes

Score: 4

If I carved a sheep from this tree trunk, would you buy it bro? Wood ewe?!

Score: 5

If you set a forest on fire It wood burn

Score: 5

What do you call a tree that has just woken up to it's wife's death? Mourning wood

Score: 4

You know how you can cut wood just by looking at it? You saw it. You saw it with your own two eyes.

Score: 5

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Score: 3

Whenever I buy a new chair I always make sure it's made of wood. They have excellent lumber support.

Score: 1

Someone sent me some wood, nails, a saw and a hammer in the post I don't know what to make of it

Score: 2

Did you hear about Treant? He's thinking of leaving.

Perhaps branching out,

Maybe even going back to his roots.

I'm not sure I wood do that.

He's barking mad if you ask me.

Score: 2

What's awkward for a man but a normal part of the job for a lumberjack? Morning wood.

Score: 1

Why are Boy Scouts safest when travelling with a senior? They'll always have dry wood on hand to start a fire

- this came to me in a dream... maybe it should have stayed there? *shrugs*

Score: 1

What do you call an erection during a funeral? Mourning wood!

Score: 9

What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress? I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.

Score: 5

I could win an Olympic gold medal If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid

Score: 4

What do you call an erection you get at a funeral? Mourning wood

Score: 12

Did you hear about the construction worker that got arrested? He was handling his wood in public.

Score: 1

What does a Necrophiliac get at funerals? Mourning Wood

Score: 8

What kind of an erection does a necrophiliac get? Mourning wood! :)

Score: 1