Hilarious 100 Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest 100 Jokes

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.

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How do you get 100 drunk and rowdy Canadians out of a pool? You say "Please get out of the pool."

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Alligators can live up to 100 years... Which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

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What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.

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I just read a list of "100 Things To Do Before You Die". I was pretty surprised that "yell for help" wasn't one of them.

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Think Mayweather/Mcgregor is going to be the biggest fight of the year? Just wait until my girl finds out I paid $100 to see it.

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"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 A perfect 10, but completely imaginary.

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My girlfriend is like √-100. She's a 10 but she is also imaginary

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My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot is 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

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A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97 So he rounded them up.

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100 years ago everyone had a horse and only the rich had cars. Nowadays everyone has a car and only the rich have horses Oh how the stables have turned

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100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

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Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.

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My girlfriend is the square root of -100 Perfect 10, but imaginary

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A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"... "Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.

The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."

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100 years ago everyone had horses and only the rich had cars. Now everyone has a car and only the rich have horses The stables have turned

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I was thinking about spending $100 to watch the boxing match tonight... But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?

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I saw a lady in tears at the store She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside. I gave her 100$ because I had just found about $1600 in the parking lot.
#payitforward

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Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years? Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

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My girlfriend is the squareroot of -100. She's a 10 but it sucks because she's imaginary.

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My Girlfriend is the Square Root of -100 a Perfect 10, but also Imaginary

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What is a Linux user's favorite game? sudo ku

EDIT: First post with 100+ upvotes. Thanks all you people :D

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I just got a new personal best in the 100 metre sprint! 73 metres.

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The doctor asked me how I'd feel about having an extra chromosome. I told him I'd be 100% down with that.

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My wife gained more than 100 pounds during pregnancy, so I started walking 5 miles every day to encourage her. It's been three months and now I'm over 300 miles away from home.

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap? "Because this stupid parrot keeps reposting crappy jokes" said the pet store employee.

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My friends laughed at me when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

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I once made a belt out of $100 bills Turns out it was just a waist of money

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A woman searches for something in the living room. After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:

- Have you seen my book?

- Which one?

- How to live to become 100 years old.

- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

- But why?

- Your mother started reading it...

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A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.

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My motto in life is to always give 100% It does make blood donation quite tricky.

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Did you hear about the bombing at the garment factory? Apparently there were over 100 casual tees.

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A man lost $100 bill Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

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If you kill 10 children out of a 100.. Only 90 kids will remember

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Earth day doesn't affect /r/Jokes Because everything is already 100% recycled.

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10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100, 110, 120... Don't bother me. My work here is intense.

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A black guy walks into a convenience store... And says, "I'm looking for a job."

The store owner replies, "You're in luck! We have an open position that pays $100,000 per a month!"

The black guy says, "You're joking."

The store owner says, "Well, you started it."

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New 100 Jokes

I recently did the Ancestry DNA testing I didn't know you're not supposed to drink anything 30 minutes prior to your saliva sample, which explains why it said I'm 100% Irish.

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I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War... I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

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Asked 100 women what shampoo they were using. 2 said Head and Shoulders The other 98 replied "How did you get in here?"

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My gf is like the square root of -100. Solid 10, but also imaginary.

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What's 6 inches long , 2 inches wide and it drives the ladies wild? Yup, you guessed it a 100 bill

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It's well known that men can read maps better than women. But that's because only men can convince themselves an inch is the same thing as 100 miles.

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Man with a beard a 100 years ago: "Ok, I'll go chop down some trees." Man with beard today: " I found a great face mask that's gluten and cruelty free."

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I'm going on holiday to Egypt. A coworker told me it can get up to 100 degrees in the shade... ...I'll be staying out of the shade then.

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I don't think condoms are 100% safe My friend was wearing one and he got hit by a bus!

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I am proud to be a racist. 100 meters, 10ks, marathons...you name it, they're better than biking.

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What has 100 eyes and 2 teeth? A bus full of old people..

What has 2 eyes and 100 teeth?

A crocodile

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College is the opposite of kidnapping They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

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Set your wifi password to 100 So when someone ask tell them it's how many times a week this gets reposted.

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I have the heart of a lion And that is why I'm banned from all zoos within a 100 mile radius

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How can you live forever? Live for at least 100 years. Statistics show that very few people die over the age of 100.

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I like my women how I like my wine 100 years old and locked in a cellar.

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How do you turn $0.35 into $100 000? Throw it into a jet engine.

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I named my Christmas decoration made of $100 dollar bills Aretha Franklin

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A man is being offered a job "What's the pay like?" he asks.

"We'll pay you $50,000 this year and $100,000 next year."

"Okay, I'll come back next year"

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Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July. The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

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100 people walk into a bar The emergency unit was overly busy that night.

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If nationalists got 100% of the seats in the Parliament... ...it would be all-right.

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My GF is like the square root of -100 A solid 10, but also imaginary

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What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 100 yards without hitting a tree.

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How long is a centipede? ~100 feet

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A Black/Jewish boy asks his dad whether he's more Black or more Jewish. When his dad asks why, the boy answers "there's a bike for sale for $100 and I can't decide whether to haggle down to $75 or just steal it."

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I've been 100 days sober. Not in a row but still 100 days never the less.

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What do you call a circle of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

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To the person who lost a huge roll of $100 bills wrapped with an elastic band I found your elastic band.

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Whenever I drink I buy 20 cans of 5% beer That way I know I'm getting 100% drunk.

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Only 90 kids will remember. If you kill 10 kids out of 100.

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My girlfriend is like the square root of -100 She's a solid 10, but also imaginary.

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Trump administration is good because its been more than 100 days and he still hasn't tweeted the nuclear launch codes

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I've built a spice catapult that is capable of seasoning a steak from a distance of 100 yards. It's a little hard to aim but there's no sense crying over every missed steak.

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My girlfriend is like the square root of negative 100 A perfect 10 and imaginary

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My Church accepts ALL Denominations $1, $2, $5, $10, $20, $50, AND $100!

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Whatever you do in life, always give 100%... ...unless you are donating blood.

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"Remember, Luke, a Jedi always has doubts about something. Only a Sith can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

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What's 6 in long, 2 in wide and drives women wild? $100

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Hey did you guys hear about the guy who taped 100 watches to his belt? He waisted his time!

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What does my girlfriend and the √-100 have in common? They're both perfect 10's.

But they're also imaginary.

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Do you like sales? Because in my house, clothes are 100% off.

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I told my husband there are 100 days until our baby's delivery He said "That's a really long time. You should really use Prime next time".

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I used to think I was a fast reader And I was quite proud of it until I heard about these so called "9- 11 Jumpers" who went through over 100 stories in 10 seconds

...Incoming repost comments

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My Girlfriend is Like the square root of -100 A perfect ten, but completely imaginary.

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Sesame Street never allowed Mrs. Piggy to count to 100. Everytime she made it to 69, she got a frog in her throat.

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What's the difference between modern pop and Christmas music? One is 6 people singing 100 songs, the other is 100 people singing 6 songs.

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I once met a prostitute that said she would do anything for $100 I said paint my house.

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What does 100% humidity mean? Even dry farts feel like wet farts.

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how can I live longer than 100 years? Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

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My girlfriend is like the square root of a negative 100... She's a perfect 10! But she's also imaginary.

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In the latest federal North Korean election, Kim Jung Un won 100% of the vote. A landslide victory against his sole competitor: "*Or else*".

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What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a lentil on my face.

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What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.

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100 years ago, 19 white men chasing down a black man was called the Klu Klux Klan Now it's called Formula 1

*Ku Kluk Klan

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I lost 100 pounds with this one weird trick! Exercise

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Do you know what the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean is? I wouldn't pay $100 to have a garbanzo bean on my face.

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My sister bet me $100 I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

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Now I know it's the 100 Aniversary of the Titanic and all... But aren't the Italians going a little far with their tribute

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