Hilarious Alcohol Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Alcohol Jokes

I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana. But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks. "We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says bartender.

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When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

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It turns out my high school Chemistry teacher was right.... Alcohol IS a solution.

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TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

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2 reasons I don't give money to homeless people 1. They would spend it on alcohol.
2. I want to spend it on alcohol.

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How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol? Invite two of them.

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I'm giving up alcohol for a month.... Wait, sorry. That came out wrong.

I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

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Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.

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A libertarian walks into a bar. . . The barman serves him tainted alcohol because there are no regulations.

He dies.

Score: 702

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

Score: 624

I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait, that came out wrong. I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

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Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy. Alcohol sales have never been higher.

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What do alcoholics and chemists have in common? They both view alcohol as a solution.

I'll see my self out......

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I wanted to build my career on making chemistry jokes to cure my depression. Then I realized alcohol is a solution.

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My Dad Is A Magician He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

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What does alcohol free beer taste like? Like going down on your sister. It tastes the same but something's not right.

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A man walks into a Bar. A man walks into a bar and sees a very attractive woman sitting by herself and asks, “May I buy you a cocktail?”

"No thank you," she replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

Score: 221

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today... And that's just for the alcohol.

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I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait sorry, that didn't come out right: I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month.

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The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene. It's that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

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What do you get when you cross alcohol with an unstable parent? Beats me

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I’m ok with cigarettes, alcohol, and even marijuana. But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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What do panties and nail polish have in common? Both come off with alcohol

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I'm giving up alcohol for a month!!! Correction: I'm giving up! Alcohol for a month!!

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When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic.. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.

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When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic, but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

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I know it's illegal for me to cook my own alcohol... But still.

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What do you call an alcohol free Japanese city? Nadasaki

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There was a recent study that tried to pinpoint the effect that alcohol had on walking… The result was staggering…

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I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is. Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free"

Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack"

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A guy walks into a Bar And asks for a beer.

The bartender: 'do you want a normal beer or a no-alcohol?'

'It depends. Do you want normal money or Monopoly's?'

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My dad is a magician he could turn alcohol into child abuse

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My Chemistry teacher was right Alcohol IS a solution.

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Alcohol is nothing but poison But I drink because there are just things inside of me that need to die.

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The school counsellor told me that alcohol was never a solution. I said that my chemistry teacher would disagree.

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Ayn Rand, Rand Paul, and Paul Ryan walk into a bar... The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

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I have been buying a lot of alcohol lately... I hope i am not becoming a Shopaholic.

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What does Batman take with his alcohol? Just ice

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New Alcohol Jokes

What do you say to someone who has a high alcohol tolerance? "That's the spirit!"

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Cop to Irishman: Step out of the car, are you drunk? Irishman: Dint even touch alcohol mate, all night it's been just wine.

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What does woman and nail polish have in common? They both go down easily with alcohol.

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I am giving up drinking alcohol for the Month of June. Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the Month of June.

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This morning i said to myself "pete, from now on, no more alcohol" Luckily, my name isn't pete!

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New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

Edit: I'll do it later

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Why didn’t they serve ghosts alcohol during the prohibition? Because they didn’t have any spirits.

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Scientists have invented an alcohol that glows in the dark. In other words, you can now get drunk and enlightened at the same time.

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Remember alcohol and calculus do mix So don't drink and derive

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I once opened a pub in hopes of serving people alcohol. But no one could see over the counter. I guess I set the bar too high.

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Carrots may improve your vision, But alcohol doubles it.

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What do you call alcohol-induced violence? Brew-tality

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I prefer my alcohol like I prefer children Aged in a barrel and chilled on the rocks in my cellar

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I doubt alcohol is the answer But it's worth a shot

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The similarities between alcohol and girls... ... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.

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An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol...

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Why are scientists always drunk? Because alcohol is a solution.

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A lot of different plants can be turned into alcohol and then used for trucking fuel. I tried this with juniper berries. I call it gin diesel.

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What do you get when you cross alcohol and literature? Tequila Mockingbird.

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Obey the law… Alcohol and calculus don't mix…

Never drink and derive.

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I like my women like I like my coffee Full of alcohol

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How can you ingest alcohol nasally? Punch line

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When the economy is good, people drink. When the economy is bad, people drink. The moral? Invest in alcohol

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Remember: Alcohol and Calculus Don't Mix Never drink and derive

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Alcohol and life Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer... I saw the video... we need to talk.

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Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.

Guy: Do they swell?

Girl: No. They spread.

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My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse. I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.

When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

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How much alcohol did Charlie Sheen drink? Enough to kill two and a half men.

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Someone told me Trump doesn't drink alcohol... But I'm sure he's had a White Russian in his mouth.

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If someone drinks alcohol. If someone drinks alcohol they're an alcoholic, does that mean if someone drinks Fanta they're fantastic.

- dad

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J.F.K. had really low alcohol tolerance... One shot and he was down

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I read an article about how bad drinking alcohol is. So I stopped reading.

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There are 2 reason i don't give money to the homeless 1) They use it for drugs and alcohol
2) I need it for drugs and alcohol

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Never tell a scientist that his Blood Alcohol Content is a problem... He'll tell you it's a solution...

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Donald Trump, a Russian spy and corrupt politician walk into a bar.. He quickly turns around and leaves, saying "What was i thinking?? I don't even drink alcohol!"

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Tried mixing Mexican alcohol with 20th century American literature last night… Ended up with tequila mockingbird.

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Every girl is beautiful. Sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it.

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A SEO expert walks into a bar "a bar, bars, pub, tavern, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, alcohol"

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What do you get when you cross hard alcohol with a classic American novel? Tequil-a Mockinbird

Edit: I've been told this is apparently a real drink... whatever, classic comedy

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Alcohol doesn't agree with me It thinks my wife is attractive

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I don't have a drinking problem 'Cept when I don't have alcohol

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A bottle of Heineken walks into a restaurant The waiter said "I'm sorry but we don't serve alcohol."

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How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit? Sober him up for a week or two.

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Guy: Can I buy you a drink? Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.

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Use rubbing alcohol when you're hurt on the outside. Use drinking alcohol when you're hurt on the inside.

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I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

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Surround yourself with people who have issues.

People with issues always have alcohol.

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Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich. Atlanta Falcons, deceased, choked on a 25 point lead.

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Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol ...It's the damnedest thing. After 12 or 13 beers, I throw up!

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Met a girl from Tinder tonight. She asked me if I have any problems with alcohol. Confidently, I replied "Nah, whiskey and I are like best friends!"

Dunno why she left in such a hurry...

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My alcohol addiction was so bad i used to drink hand sanitiser! Im clean now!

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What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol? Tequila Mockingbird

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Me and my family are always drinking alcohol when we get together What can I say, it's in our blood.

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A weasel walks into a bar And asks for a beer.

The bartender says "we can't serve alcohol to you."

"I'll just take a pop" goes the weasel.

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Alcohol Influences If alcohol influences short-term memory, what does alcohol do?

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My friends yell at me when I give money to homeless people. "Don't you know that he's just going to spend that on drugs and alcohol?"

Oh, and I wasn't?

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What's the difference between a collection and an addiction? I don't have an alcohol collection.

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What do you get when you mix up literature and alcohol? Tequila mockingbird

Or Ernest Hemingway

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What is it called when you mix Alcohol and Literature? Tequila Mockingbird. (X-post /r/waterpuns)

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Calculus and driving doesn't mix. Edit: Realized I screwed up the title. Meant to be: Calculus and Alcohol doesn't mix.

Don't drink and derive.

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