Hilarious Back Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Back Jokes

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make a cup of tea.

Score: 21887

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back

Score: 19546

A pirate goes to the doctor and say, "I have moles on me back aaarrrghh." The doctor: "It's ok, they're benign."

Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten!"

Score: 19025

My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee.

Score: 18854

Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You can’t imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.

Score: 18394

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest A little upset to find out he came back

Score: 17251

Score: 14503

When you pull the pin on a grenade, how do you put it back in? Quick answers please.

Score: 13863

Without the Arabs we wouldn't have 9/11. It would be IX/XI.

edit: Wow, I came back and this really blew up!

Score: 13757

A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.”

The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop.

“We’ll do it.”

Score: 13723

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning.... We’ll return him back to you.

Score: 13285

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want to have kids. But when I came back home, they were still there.

Score: 12385

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches. Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

Score: 12127

My drug test came back negative. My drug dealer has some explaining to do.

Score: 11533

Yo mama's so fat she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

Score: 10733

What is it called when you die and come back as a hillbilly? Reintarnation

Score: 10306

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

Score: 10115

One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

Score: 10061

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife. I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

Score: 8841

I watched the video of my wedding backwards. I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.

Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!

Score: 8821

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Score: 8307

Why do people in Alabama not do the reverse cowgirl? Because you never turn your back on family

Score: 7769

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.

Score: 7206

Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.

Score: 6968

Its funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.

Score: 5861

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason. Now at last I've managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I'm going to go back to when *he* was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it!

Score: 5153

The furniture store keeps calling me back..... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.

Score: 4737

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home." One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Score: 4668

My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back to me.

Score: 3970

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Score: 3084

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

Score: 3071

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure... Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

Score: 2385

A guy goes to a halloween party with a girl on his back. The host asks him, "And what are you?"
The guy says, " I'm a snail."
The host says "And who's that on your back?"
"That's Michelle!"

Score: 2216

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!” All passengers got scared.

From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”

Score: 2159

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

Score: 2135

My favourite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame I love a protagonist with a twisted back story

Score: 2016

Why is the ocean so salty? Because the land doesn't wave back.

Score: 1926

I asked my North Korean pen pal how it was like living in North Korea "I can't complain" he wrote back.

Score: 1763

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get those pills that "help" with an erection... You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills.

Score: 1747

New Back Jokes

My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 627

I suggested my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.. Apparently it was an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 293

A blonde stands on the bank of a river There is no bridge in sight. She sees another blonde across the river and shouts:

How do I get to the other side of the river?!

The other blonde shouts back:

Why? You already are on the other side!

Score: 149

I was at a bar the other day, when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled... "Does anyone know CPR!?"

I yelled back, "I know the whole alphabet!" and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, except for this one guy.

Score: 242

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Score: 359

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Score: 194

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you." So I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

Score: 350

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

Score: 726

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Score: 1637

Someone asked me how dark my humour is Dark enough to get six warning shots in the back

Score: 184

A pirate goes to a doctor worried that the moles on his back might be cancerous. The doctor inspects them.
"It's ok," he says. "They're benign."
The pirate replies "Check 'em again matey, I think there be at least ten!"

Score: 162

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife. The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

Score: 239

If the USSR suddenly came back together... ... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.

Score: 325

I was in a bar last night when a waitress screamed... "Does anyone know CPR?"
"I know all the letters of the alphabet" I shouted back.
Everyone laughed.........well except this one guy.

Score: 256

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Score: 172

I suggested to my wife that she'd look sexier with her hair back.. ..which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 297

I'll often test new jokes for my set by posting them to /r/jokes The only downside is when I tell them on stage some dude in the back yells out "REPOST!"

Score: 165

My girlfriend and I watched 3 movies back to back on Netflix Good thing I was facing the TV.

Score: 120

I just flew back from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs!

Score: 131

A priest was confronted by a prostitute. "Do want a quickie for ten bucks?"

Not knowing what it was, he said no. When he got back to the monastery, his curiosity got the better of him. So he asked a nun, "what's a quickie?"

The nun replied "Ten bucks same as in town."

Score: 188

I think it's interesting how people sleep differently I usually sleep on my back, my brother sleeps on his stomach, and my ex sleeps with half of this town

Score: 207

Are Gorillas stupid? Of course, who else would complain about a 19$ drink but keep coming back to the same bar

Score: 172

- "Dude, sarcasm will never get you anywhere in life" + "Well, it got me to the Sarcasm World Championship in Peru back in 98"

- "Really?"

+ "..."

Score: 191

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet Because I lost my car in poker last night.

Score: 119

I went for a run , but came home back after 2 minutes because I forgot something I forgot that I was fat and couldn't run for more than 2 minutes.

Score: 173

What happends if Will Smith goes back in time ? He becomes Was Smith

Score: 152

My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back. "Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."

"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."

"No," I said. "I mean being single."

Score: 203

Went to the store to buy 6 cans of Sprite... Got back to the office and realized I had picked 7 up.

Score: 250

I see you have turned Autocorrect off. I also like to lige dargejonsly.

I see you have turned Autocorrect back on.

I also like to lube degenerates.

Score: 146

When does a joke turn into a dad joke? When he leaves you and never comes back.

Score: 378

I don't think i need a spine, it's holding me back

Score: 194

Some blondes are in a car on their way to Disneyland. When they see a sign at an intersection.

"Disneyland left" ←

so they went back home.

Score: 217

What do you call it when a redneck comes back from the dead? Reintarnation

Score: 188

I wish my Dad was the Terminator... ...because then he'd come back.

Score: 153

Thanks student loans for getting me through college. I don't think I can ever pay you back.

Score: 348

My son lost his first tooth today. That will teach him to talk back...

Score: 304

My wife left me because I’m too insecure. No wait, she's back.

She just went to make some coffee.

Score: 853

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky. I told her to close the door on her way back in.

Score: 760

When the inventor of the USB dies... they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Score: 1039

A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'. I asked if I could call him Back.

Score: 179

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Score: 494

I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back... Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 437

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300. You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

Score: 337

A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

Score: 129

How do you confuse a feminist Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female

Edit: thanks I came back seeing a lot of upvote. This made my day

Score: 952

You'll never be able to go back in time and kill Hitler as a baby. You'd be way too short and weak.

Score: 480

Back in my day we used to only have chalkboards. The new whiteboards they use are Remarkable

Score: 241

I ran into the back of a dwarf's car. He said he wasn't happy. I said "Well which one are you?"

Score: 196

I hate people who talk about me behind my back... They discussed me.

Score: 125

A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"... A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"

Score: 1168

A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister". Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".

Score: 309

What's the most popular red wine?? We want our land back!!

Score: 1366

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Score: 157

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

Score: 138

If Donald Trump wins I'm going back to Africa For some political stability..

Score: 152

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day... My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.

I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."

She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

Score: 118

What's the point of Jewish football? To get the quarter back.

Score: 261

I told a girl she would look better with her hair back and she got really offended. Chemo patients are so sensitive.

Score: 202

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river... The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!"

The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"

Score: 150

So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood.

Where are you dad?

Score: 1037