Hilarious Bed Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Bed Jokes

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed... After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Score: 18959

How do you make a water bed more bouncy? You use spring water.

Score: 11213

Score: 8435

I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!”

Score: 7129

I was on a blind date with this girl... And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

Score: 4004

I'm optimistically single. My bed is half full.

Score: 3785

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed? Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

Score: 3591

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

Score: 2992

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Score: 2863

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Score: 2210

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

Score: 2144

how many screws hold together a lesbians bed? None it's all tongue and groove

Score: 2004

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

Score: 1983

A guy and his girlfriend are talking Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

Score: 1885

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.

Score: 1661

A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed

Score: 1555

I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room... ....and boy was he mad.

Score: 1465

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all i need Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business

Score: 1337

My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

Score: 1169

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

Score: 1144

Girl: “Come over” Guy: “Im coming over”

Girl: “We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over”

Score: 1134

After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.

Score: 974

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was arrested on suspicion that i was too good in bed After 2 mins all charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence.

Score: 972

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come... Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Score: 943

If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks." Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

Score: 917

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Score: 875

A man and a woman are lying in bed late night... ...and the woman asks her man: "Honey, do you prefer smart or pretty women?" and the man responds calmly: "Neither, baby, I prefer you."

Score: 850

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Score: 828

The salt packet says it was created from a 250 million year old Himalayan rock salt bed The label says the expiry date is June 2018.

I'm so glad they dug it up just in time

Score: 780

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. “Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

Score: 330

Boy: come over Girl: I'm coming over

Boy: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

Score: 325

7 dwarfs in bed feeling happy Happy got out so they started feeling grumpy

Score: 315

My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."

Score: 273

Why are old men given Viagra in the nursing home? So they don't roll out of bed

Score: 266

My girlfriend told me I'm bad in bed I told her she should learn to enjoy the little things in life

Score: 257

Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home? To keep them from rolling out of bed.

Score: 239

Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes is inspecting a bed. He says to Watson, "this bed is missing something." Watson replies "no sheet sherlock."

Score: 233

I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

Score: 228

Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Score: 220

New Bed Jokes

Want to know how to get a fat girl in bed? It’s a piece of cake

Score: 50

So the Mrs said she wanted me to be as spectacular as Liverpool in bed ....so I stayed on top for most of it and came second!

Score: 18

I called my boss to say, ‘sorry I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He asked, ‘how sick are you?’

I said; ‘well, I’m in bed with my sister’

Score: 36

A man stands up to give a toast at his best friend's wedding He says "I was told that a wedding toast should only last as long as the groom lasts in bed. So goodnight everyone!"

Score: 18

I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come.... Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

Score: 23

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all... ...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Score: 33

I asked my wife if a second woman could come in bed with us She asked who the first was

Score: 37

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"... ...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

Score: 218

My girlfriend dresser up as a policewoman and placed me under arrest for the suspicion of being good in bed. After a couple minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence

Score: 160

I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.

Score: 19

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? The bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed. Married guys go to bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Score: 130

What did the cow say to her calf? It's pasture bed time

Score: 24

Come over Girl: Come over.

Guy: I'm coming over.

Girl: We should really stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

Score: 17

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night. I love you, alarm clock.

Score: 98

Why are married women fatter than single women? A single girl gets home, looks what's in the fridge and goes straight to bed. A married girl gets home, looks what's in the bed, and goes straight to the fridge

Score: 47

Good in bed Girl: I've heard a lot about how good you are in bed.

Guy: Come on I'm not that good.

Girl: That's what I've heard.

Score: 46

Never give up on your dreams... Stay in bed.

Score: 127

I slept like a baby last night I drank a bottle before bed and woke up crying

Score: 25

What's the difference between crippling depression and crippled depression? One can't get out of bed because they're depressed, the other is depressed because they can't get out of bed.

Score: 19

I like my books like I like my women Thin, interesting and good in bed.

Score: 39

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello." At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…

Score: 172

My girlfriend likes to pretend she's 13 when we're in bed together I told her it's pointless, she'll be 13 next year.

Score: 59

I was in the hospital bed when a nurse came up to me and said, "Would you like me to inform anyone that you're here?" I said, "Yes. The doctor."

Score: 20

What did the duvet say when it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

Score: 36

The Seven Dwarves are in bed feeling Happy Happy got out, so they started feeling Grumpy

Score: 41

Why are gamers bad in bed? They are always trying to beat their best time.

Score: 129

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."

Score: 31

i was going to tell you a cow joke but its pasture bed time.

Score: 54

Who's guilty here? A wife is dreaming while asleep in the bed, she suddenly wakes up and shouts, "quick, my husband is home!"

Her husband wakes up and jumps out the window!

Score: 65

I had a one night stand and then got married Now we have two night stands.
(One on each side of the bed)

Score: 30

My husband and I like to role play in bed... He's Donald Trump and I am an American with a pre-existing condition.

Score: 156

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed. I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

Score: 212

What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet? The tight end.

Score: 15

Why do women gain weight after they get married? Single women come home, look in the fridge, and go to bed. Married women come home, look in the bed, and go to the fridge.

Score: 78

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels. Just four sheets and goggles.

Score: 106

How do cannibals get ready in the morning? Just like anyone else they wakee up, get out of bed, put on their pants and eat breakfast, one leg at a time.

Score: 20

Girl: Come over Girl: Come over.
Guy: Im coming over.
Girl: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

Score: 34

I have this nagging feeling. It starts right when I wake up, but it usually stops when she goes to bed.

Score: 71

What's the difference between a bachelor and a married man? Bachelor comes home, checks out what's in the fridge & goes to bed. Married man comes home, checks out what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

Score: 50

There's something crazy I really want to try in bed.. Getting 8 hours of sleep

Score: 165

Why was the police man in bed? He was an undercover cop

Score: 47

I used to think I was good in bed..... Until my girlfriend told me she had asthma.

Score: 16

What did the blanket say when it fell of the bed? Oh Sheeet!

Score: 14

I listen to trump rallies before I go to bed They're all white noise.

Score: 92

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

Score: 138

What is long, hard and full of sperm ? The sock under my bed.

Score: 26

Just burned 2000 calories while in bed. That's the last time I take a nap while the brownies are in the oven.

Score: 39

Why do married men gain weight and bachelors don’t? Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

Score: 197

I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

Score: 218

My wife and I were lying in bed the other day... My hands were slowly finding their way across her body.

I whispered, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman in the world."

She whispered back, "I'll miss you."

Score: 118

How do you stop a black guy from jumping on a bed? Put velcro on the ceiling.

Score: 35

My wife was happy today I came home super drunk last night. She said that when she snuck in bed and was about to tell me off, I said "Go away I have a wife." I don't think she realises I only say that to the ugly girls.

Score: 19

how can I live longer than 100 years? Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

Score: 20

I went to bed with a 7 and woke up with a 10. Forced upgrades should be illegal, Microsoft.

Score: 194

Husband has 6 months to live Asks his wife, "Will you marry again?"

She says she supposes so, eventually.

"Will he sleep in our bed"?

She says of course he will.

"Will you let him use my golf clubs?"

"No, he couldn't use them. He's left handed."

Score: 85

I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying I knew my girlfriend was cheating on me when she texted me saying "I'm out for dinner with my friend Emma" because Emma was lying beside me in bed

Score: 130

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed... When the chicken sits up, lights a cigar and says " Well I guess that answers that question."

Score: 53

How'd you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake..

Score: 36

What do the Dallas Cowboys do when they win the Superbowl? Turn off their Nintendo and go to bed.

Score: 48

For your consideration: A historical, circular triple entendre Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?

Because she was impressed by Her Service.

Score: 14