Hilarious Birth Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Birth Jokes

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Score: 14813

How warm is a baby at birth? Womb temperature.

Score: 9828

Why did the transgender person disappear after they gave birth? They became transparent.

Score: 6469

A woman starts to scream while giving birth. 

"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. What is wrong?"

Score: 3552

A woman screams as she gives birth... "What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks.

"What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!"

"Sorry babe. *What is* wrong?"

Score: 1560

Why does Japan have a low obesity rate and a low birth rate? They don’t like Fat Man and Little Boy

Score: 861

A friend just told me that my daughter and my wife look like twins. I said, “Well, they were separated at birth!”

Score: 491

Score: 487

If the stork is the bird of birth, what's the bird of birth control? A swallow.

Score: 459

Man tries to open a bank account Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

Score: 387

I was once a man stuck in a woman's body Then my mother gave birth

Score: 322

How does a pregnant mermaid give birth? "Sea-section"

Sorry, I thought of that last night and just had to share my genius with the world.

Score: 281

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Score: 242

My wife and I use the pull-out method for birth control .... we pull out our phones and ignore each other all night.

Score: 223

What does a violin player use as birth control? Their personality

Score: 210

I used to feel that I was a man trapped in a woman's body... Then my mother gave birth.

Score: 196

After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I replied proudly, "Yes, Steve!" She squealed, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" "Thanks!" I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby!?"

Score: 195

It's obviously worse to pass a kidney stone than giving birth to a baby. Because people always say they want another baby but no ones ever said they want another kidney stone.

Score: 189

what do you call a cow that's recently given birth? Decaffinated

Score: 182

A cat gives birth in a public park... ...and is fined $50 for littering.

Score: 182

What do you get when you mix LSD and a birth control pill? A trip without the kids

Score: 159

A Chinese couple gave birth to an albino baby ...which just goes to show that two Wongs do make a white.

Score: 145

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes. He calls it my birth certificate.

Score: 140

I was born to an Asian family But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

Score: 131

How do mermaids give birth? A sea section.

Score: 120

I don't see how anyone could be against birth control. It's just inconceivable

Score: 119

The Nigerian Government is now offering a $3m reward for the safe return of the missing girls. All you need to do is provide your name, address, date of birth, bank details and mother's maiden name.

Score: 110

Why were birth rates low in 1970? You can't get pregnant during '69.

Score: 98

I thought of a great name for an abortion clinic... How about 'Birth Ctrl+Z' ?

Score: 91

What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD A trip without the kids.

Score: 91

Chinese parents give birth to girl [removed]

Source: im a chinaman
Edit: im a chinaman

Score: 89

When I look into my daughter's eyes, I realize what's truly important in life. Birth control.

Score: 61

What's the difference between 9/11 and your birth? One was planned.

Score: 53

Giving birth isn't as painful as being kicked in the nuts I've never heard a man say 'let's do that again' afterwards

Score: 49

My wife just gave birth to our son on an aeroplane! He was airborne

Score: 46

How do mermaids give birth? They get a sea section.

Score: 45

Birth control pills should be for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

Score: 41

I thought getting a vasectomy would prevent birth But apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

Score: 39

I just woke up from a 13month coma Just in time to see my wife give birth

Score: 26

My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks... But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.

Score: 23

New Birth Jokes

You KNOW you are a true 90’s kid whenever your birth certificate states you were born between 1990 and 1999...

Score: 3

Why is pregnancy not the worst pain known to man? Because men don't give birth.

Score: 2

You know how all these actresses are pulling out of Georgia over the abortion thing... 



don't they know that isn't effective birth control?

Score: 3

Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control It's also how i use my debit card

Score: 6

If Mary gave birth to the lord of all creation, wouldn't that mean Mary is the lord of all creation? Ariana Grande was right!

Score: 2

A woman gives birth to a genie Genie says: I am your wish giving child and I grant you 3 wishes, what is your first wish

Woman says: You better give me more than three or you going to wish you never been born

Score: 2

Do Christian rock bands still bang groupies? Yes, they just don’t use birth control.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the dog that gave birth on the sidewalk? She was given a ticket for littering.

Score: 6

What type of tree doesn’t need to worry about birth control? A rubber tree.

Score: 10

It always shocks me when people say republicans are anti-communists With trying to make abortions illegal, get rid of birth control, defund planned parenthood, those all are textbook examples of seizing the means of reproduction.

Score: 18

If Storks represents birth. Which bird represents birthcontrol? Swallow.

Score: 5

A biologist gives birth ........... A biologist gives birth to a set of twins. She names one Jessica and the other Control.

Score: 20

My girlfriend had trouble opening her her birth control. I told her it’s because it’s child-proof.

Score: 18

Yo' momma's so old Her birth certificate expired.

I thought of this one a while ago. If it already exists, tell me.

Score: 2

What did the yogic veterinarian say when asked for birth control? Namaspay

Score: 1

My wife said I'm lucky because I don't have to deal with women issues; periods, birth control, menopause... Yeah, but you get to live longer.

Score: 3

Why is the Statue of Liberty hollow? You would be to if you gave birth to a nation

Score: 2

Best Method Of Birth Control? Just beat around the bush

Score: 2

TIL girls can use asprin as low cost birth control If they hold it with their knees.

Score: 2

There's a new form of birth control that you put in your shoe... It makes you limp.

Score: 6

A physicist insisted on his wife giving birth on a hot air balloon. When his son turned out to be a shame on the family, he told him: "You had so much potential!"

Score: 4

Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.

Score: 5

There once was a man.. There once was man that went to a restaurant and ordered a sandwich and said his name was "D-d-d-d-dave" and the clerk said "oh do you stutter?" and the man said "no but my dad did and the person to record the birth certificate was a jerk"

Score: 2

"Stop kidding yourselves." - Issued in public interest by Birth Control Dept.

Score: 3

I've discovered a simple and easily reversible birth control method! It's called 'not having a girlfriend'

Score: 3

So apparently Trump's policy on birth control is the same as his policy on climate change. pull out.

Score: 6

Which is the most traveled canal in all of Europe? The birth canal.

Score: 2

Why do trees only give birth to daughters? Because otherwise they would be committing treason.

Score: 2

My teen daughter said, "Dad, treat me like a princess, it's my birthday." So I married her off to a rich 32 year old dude to strengthen my alliance with France who then had her beheaded after giving birth to a daughter.

Score: 2

Paddy's Wife Was Ready To Give Birth So they both rush down the hospital.

When they get there, a nurse asks "how dilated is she"

Paddy answers "Begorrah, sure we're both over the moon,"

Score: 1

With all sorts of new products out there, did you know the most effective form of birth control has been almost completely unchanged for over twenty years? Fake names.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? It gave birth in the spring

Score: 4

Giving birth in 2017 Woman: Doctor, is it a boy or girl?
Doctor: I dont know, we'll have to wait for it to decide.

Score: 2

How many men died in the battle during the movie 300? 299 "Because only Spartan women give birth to real men"- Queen Gorgo

Score: 1

What does a chicken get when it's having trouble giving birth? A c-sEGGtion

Score: 1

I finally gave birth today... Out of all of these 280 days of being pregnant, today was definitely the most productive.

Score: 1

What do you call it when a woman gives birth to 10 children at once? A TLC show.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the mother who gave birth in an airplane? The baby was air-born.

Score: 3

I was once a man trapped in a womans body But then my mom gave birth and it was all good

Score: 1

Where do feminists buy their birth control? Goodwill clothes aisle

Score: 15

Why aren't men supposed to give birth? Because if they did everyone would look like spaghetti.

Score: 6

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

Score: 10

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids

Score: 10

Trump wants to cut funding for birth control, renegotiate trade deals, and stop the wars in the Middle East. It seems pulling out is his solution for everything.

Score: 6

A Russian flies to Kiev He arrives at passport control in the airport and steps up to the window:

Officer: Name?

Russian guy: Andrey Ivanov

Officer: Place of Birth?

Russian guy: Moscow

Officer: Occupation?

Russian guy: nah, just visiting.

Score: 1

What do you call a cow who just gave birth? Decalfeinated

Score: 5

Why do Women get So Big when they're Pregnant? To give their kids a wide birth.

Score: 1

Why were the 5 gorgeous young blonde Danish fashion models sobbing their eyes out? I told them I wasn't going to give birth to them.

Score: 10

I heard a joke about a grizzly giving birth to cubs... It's bears repeating.

Score: 1

Difference between a worker, manager, and a CEO Worker: A baby takes 9 months

Manager: 9 women can birth a baby in a month

CEO: Imagine a baby, I mean like really picture it like it's there and it will be there

Score: 2

What do you call a cow who just gave birth? De-calfinated.

Score: 4

How does mother nature give birth? With a sea-section

Score: 9

My wife fave birth to our daughter yesterday. She was born with jaundice So there she was - small round and yellow. We called her *melon*-y

Score: 3

Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug? She gave birth in the spring

Score: 5

After World War 2, birth rates and the libido among Japanese males was at an all-time low. Why? They lost their tojo.

Score: 2

Child Birth One woman turns to her friend and says, you've had a kid, what do you think is better, a natural birth or a C section? Her friend pauses for a moment and says, I'ts hard to say, i'm kind of torn.

Score: 3

Did anyone hear about the Grizzly who was sick of giving birth to naked cubs? She could barely bear to bear bare bare bears.

Score: 6

If Memes Were Horses 4chan would give birth to it.

Reddit would kill it.

9Gag would hump its dead body.

Facebook would dig up its corpse and attempt to turn its remains into Frankenstein.

Score: 2

What do you call the birth of a retarded child? A special delivery.

Score: 18

This woman in India has given birth... This woman in India has given birth to a 23 pound boy.

Doctors say they expect the kid to be walking 6 months before his mum.

Score: 2