Checking Jokes

When checking out at Walmart I always pick the sexiest cashier... I always end up at self checkout.

When the smog clears over Los Angeles... ... U.C.L.A.

I am not at all sorry for this joke.

Edit: So at some point I went from 20 to 923 upvotes. I regret not checking this sooner.

Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM I asked him what he was doing and he said he was checking his balance.

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being. When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

A man goes to the library and asks for a book A man goes to the library and asks if they have a book on small penises. After checking the computer, the librarian replies, "I don't think it's in yet." He looks at her and says, "Yeah that's the one."

I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.

Cashiers have a thing for me. They keep checking me out.

What was the one legged man doing at the ATM? Checking his balance

He's making a list, he's checking it twice. He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎶

Weirdest thing. I just saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM. I asked him what he was doing, and he said, "just checking my balance."

How do all racist jokes start? By checking over your shoulder.

My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There’s always a cashier checking me out.

Saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM. Saw a guy standing on one leg at an ATM. Confused, I asked him what he was doing. He was just checking his balance.

2 blondes are checking a car "Does the turn signal work?"
"Yes! No. Yes! No. Yes!"

I'm a bit worried. I was checking my testicles this morning, and I noticed that one of them... ...is considerably larger than the other two.

I'm a bank teller and some old lady asked for help checking her balance ... So I pushed her over

A husband was checking his weight on the scale and started sucking his gut in when his wife says "you know that doesn't change anything, right?" He replies "It does too!" "Now I can see the numbers..."

I don’t understand why all the cashiers at my Costco are so violent Whenever I’m checking out they always ask “Do you wanna box for that sir”

No. I don’t want to fight you for my groceries, thank you.

I reported a cashier to her management for sexually harassing me She was checking me out.

A man walks up to a hotel counter to check out. The woman at the counter notices his bulge, and can’t help but stare at it. The man asks “what are you doing?” The woman says “I’m checking you out.”

I need someone to talk to. I think my wife just left me because I’m too insecure. Edit: Nevermind she was just checking the mail.

I saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM Confused, I said "excuse me sir, what are you doing?"

The man replied "I'm just checking my balance"

Hospital When checking a patient in for surgery, he said he was a mechanic. I said, "Good, the surgeon likes that because you understand when there are parts left over."

Why I love working out at the gym I go to! There's this hot MILF always walking around checking me out.

I love home gyms.

Why did the customer slap the cashier? Because he was checking her out.

Florida man contracts herpes while checking his birthday prostitute's mouth for sores As meemum used to say, "you shouldn't look gift whores in the mouth"

I went to the library today and said, "I'd like to check these books out." The librarian said, "Sorry, that's actually against the rules."

"Huh?!"

The librarian replied, "You see, checking them out only makes them shelf conscious."

What do men and cars have in common? They both pull out without checking if anyone else is coming.

I like going to the supermarket... because the cashier is always checking me out.

So Germany is going to fine companies that fail to remove hate speech and terrorist related content... Maybe instead of companies like YouTube manually checking videos, they should just Autobahn.

When checking in for his flight, the wedge-tailed eagle was asked: Would you like to check some baggage or purchase an in-flight meal? The eagle replied: No thanks. I'll just have my carrion.

My first thought when I saw the phishing e-mail was "I never opened a Wells Fargo checking account." My second thought was, "That doesn't mean I don't have one."

I was the atm today and an old women asked for my help checking her balance So i pushed her over.

Why do Band Directors do so good at Stand-Up Comedy? Their jokes are very well orchestrated.
(Edit: Was checking posts to see if this was done before. Credit to u/EmpiricalPeguin in the Comments of a Beethoven joke post)

The clerk walks into the boss's office and says.. "The auditors have just left, sir."

"Have they finished checking the books?", asks the boss.

"Very thoroughly," is the reply.

"Well, what did they say", says the boss.

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

I think my son is bi-curious We were rolling through the village and he was pretty obviously checking out everyone's bikes.

Today I was naked checking myself out in the mirror and I thought to myself... "You know what, I'm probably going to get kicked out of Ikea pretty soon."

On checking in, I told the airline rep that I was going to New York, but I wanted my large bag to go to Tampa and my smaller bag to go to Tokyo. "We can't do that, sir." she declared.

"Why not?" I asked. "That's what you did when I flew with you last week!"

So in line at the bank the other day, and I realized the man in front of me had a prosthetic leg He was checking his balance