Chess Jokes

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Funniest Chess Jokes

Funny Chess Jokes
Score: 13524

I need to get a new chess set because all my pawns are damaged and sticky. I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.

Score: 6157

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

Score: 2760

I was playing chess with my friend and he said "Let's make this interesting" so we stopped playing.

Score: 1509

Yeah, I lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.

Score: 1464

Life is like chess... We can't all be white.

Score: 629

I have a friend from Prague who I play chess with. He is my Czech mate.

Score: 313

Why are Americans so bad at chess? Because they don't have 2 towers.

Score: 288

How do Australians know who won the chess game? They check, mate.

Score: 235

I married a European chess master. He's my Czech mate.

Score: 202

A friend and I were playing chess, and we wanted to make things interesting. So we stopped playing chess.

Score: 148

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say before he began his chess game? "I'll be black."

EDIT: If it gets me any sympathy upvotes, I'll mention I made this one up myself.

EDIT 2: Wow this is my first front page post ever!! Thanks guys!

Score: 147

What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common? They both end with a check mate

Score: 143

My brother and I were playing chess, and I said to him 'care to make this interesting?' He said 'sure'. So we stopped playing chess.

Score: 134

My computer beat me at chess... So I beat my computer at kickboxing.

Score: 134

How did the Australian pay for his new chess set? Cheque, mate.

Score: 133

Why is it so confusing to play chess with an Australian? Because every "check" is a "check, mate!"

Score: 118

My dad used to beat me while playing chess... Because I'd always win.

Score: 99

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park But it’s hard to find 32 of them

Score: 95

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’ So we stopped playing chess.

Score: 93

I like playing chess with bald men in the park... although its hard to find 32 of them.

Score: 87

I like playing chess with bald people in the park The problem is, it's kinda hard to find 32 of them

Score: 87

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe. Czech mate.

Score: 85

What do you call two chess enthusiasts bragging in a lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Score: 83

What did the English chav say when he won a game of chess? Check m8.

Score: 81

Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he is dead.

Score: 77

I was playing chess with my Australian friend He moved his queen in front of my king and said "check, mate".


I replied and said, "you didn't win though?"


Confused he said, "mate, I know."

Score: 68

The first time I played chess, I thought the castles moved diagonally. Rookie mistake.

Score: 67

Why can't americans play chess? They are missing two towers

Score: 64

Being the first to move in chess. It's a white privilege.

Score: 57

"When did you stop beating your wife?" "When her chess game improved."

Score: 54

When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally. Classic rook-y mistake.

Score: 39

Why is chess banned in islam? Cause the queen moves freely

Score: 31

What does eating in Australia and playing chess have in common? They both usually end with "check mate"

Score: 25

Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate

Score: 25

Being the first to move in chess... Is white privilege.

Score: 17

My wife makes love like a chess player. Every twenty minutes, she moves.

Score: 14

(Offensive) You know why americans lose every game of chess? Because they start with two towers missing.

Score: 14

They say a man's attractiveness is tied to his chess ability... Unfortunately, I'm really bad at mating.

Score: 13

What chess piece is the best with kids? The bishop

Score: 13

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New Chess Jokes

Just been sacked from my new job working at a Chess piece factory... ... I refused to work knights.

Score: 2

An Aussie wins a game of chess and calls for the bill, then his friend collapses in his chair. He says: “Checkmate. Check, mate” then Checks his mate

Score: 3

I played chess with the waiter, however won paid the bill In my final move i said, check mate.

Score: 0

Who is your friend who you play chess with He is your check mate

Score: 0

Why should you never play chess with an Austrailian? Because a check will always turn into a check, mate.

Score: 0

Why was the Englishman bad at chess? Because his queen does nothing

Score: 1

I like to play chess with old people in the park. Although I will admit that it is difficult to round up 32 of them and get them to play in costume.

Score: 9

Who wins in chess George Bush or Osama Bin Laden? Bin Laden wins because Bush is missing two towers

Score: 2

What do a game of chess and an meal at an Australian restaurant have in common? You say “check mate” at the end

Score: 2

You know what the biggest problem with Australian Chess jokes is? They’re getting stale, mate.

Score: 1

How does an Australian chess player end a nice dinner at an restourant? Check mate!

Score: 0

Why shouldn't you eat a chess sandwich? It's stale, mate.

Score: 3

I love playing chess with my European friend. He’s my Czech mate

Score: 2

Who will win in a game of chess - Bush or Osama Bin Laden? Bin Laden because Bush is missing two towers.

Score: 2

I like playing chess with bald people at the park It’s usually pretty hard to find 32 of them though...

Score: 4

Chess has taught me an important life lesson Being black makes it tougher

Score: 2

Who'd win in a game of chess, George Bush or Vladimir Putin? Putin, 'cause Bush is missing two towers.

Score: 1

Life is like a game of chess... I have no idea what I'm doing in either

Score: 1

Who does a person from Prague play chess with? Their Czech mate.

Score: 2

Okay so i bought this chess game in US And it only came with one tower :(

Score: 1

What do you say after finishing a game of chess at an Australian restaurant? Checkmate

Score: 3

Sarcasm is like a good game of chess Most people don't know how to play chess.

Score: 12

Bin Laden and Bush just started playing chess... and Bush already lost two towers.

Score: 10

The difference between chess and politics: Only in politics can it be a blunder to play the game.

Score: 3

A zinger I used while crushing a mate at chess! Me: do you have a foot fetish?
Him: why?
Me: because your about to taste da feet!

Score: 1

Why did the chess player throw away his bread? Because it was stalemate

Score: 3

"Ha! i killed all your black guys!" Said my son, playing a lovely chess game with me.

^^*true ^^story

Score: 12

Why can't USA play chess? They lost their towers

Score: 6

My computer just beat me at chess in 20 moves It was no match for me at kickboxing

Score: 4

How do Americans play chess? Without the towers.

Score: 3

Saudi Arabia bans chess, calling it a dangerous game Because:

1. Queen doesn't wear a burkha.

2. Queen roams freely wherever she wants to.

3. Queen is more powerful than the King.

4. Queen goes alone to opponent's territory.

5. And....there's only one Queen

Score: 5

First rule of Alzheimer's club? Don't talk about chess club.

Score: 8

How do chess players reproduce? By check-mating.

Score: 4

What do you call your chess playing friend from Prague? CzechMate

Score: 1

What did the chess player say after eating at an Australian restaurant? Check, mate!

Score: 4

How does a chess player avoid catching an STD? Checkmate

Score: 2

Why does USA have hard time competing in chess tournaments? They are missing two towers

Score: 2

Chess is the only game which reflects on the poor state of male leadership The poor king can take only one step at a time.

Score: 1

Trump supporters claim that Donald is playing 4D chess When really he's just playing Mein craft

Score: 2

What do Australian chess players say when they're finished eating at a restaurant? Check mate.

Score: 1

Why do Australians always win 4D chess? Double check, mate

Score: 3

Why do the /r/jokes moderators like chess? It's the only chance they have to mate.

Score: 2

While playing chess, my black friend said to me that white making the first move was racist. I told him that toilet paper being white compensates for all kinds of racism.

Score: 1

I love the queen in chess... I always mate with her.

Score: 3

This joke is brought to you by Arnold Schwarzeneggers one-sided chess set. "I'll be black"

Score: 2

It's the RoboShowdown! Deep Blue opens e4. Watson responds, "What is 'Chess'?"

Score: 1

Why do Australians take forever to play chess? Because they never make it past the first check, mate.

Score: 2

What does a British guy say when he beats an Eastern European at chess? Czechmate

Score: 5

Life is like a game of chess The whites have the advantage

Score: 7

What did Crocodile Dundee say when he beat Vaclav Havel at chess? Checkmate, Czech mate.

Score: 2

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