Hilarious Dead Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Dead Jokes

Pun enters a room, kills 10 people Pun in, 10 dead

Score: 22408

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

EDIT: Wow. Now I understand RIP inbox.

Score: 21643

Score: 17565

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Score: 15601

What lies on its back, 100 feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Score: 8307

What's the difference between a religion and a cult? In a cult, there is someone on top that knows it is all bullshit.

In a religion that person is dead.

Score: 6976

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me." Great movie quote, terrible pickup line…

Score: 5312

A new study shows that unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead.

Score: 2729

You meet a man on the Oregon trail... You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

Score: 2659

My girlfriend enjoys "doggy style" in the bedroom. I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

Score: 2225

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they are more likely to be dead

Score: 2211

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Score: 2154

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb? Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

Score: 2119

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they are dead.

Score: 1958

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

Score: 1852

• My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said *"what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"*

Score: 1801

Why was Buzzfeed's editor found dead in the bathroom? Because number two shocked him.

Score: 1691

I gave away all my dead batteries today.. free of charge.

Score: 1666

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're all dead

Score: 1606

when you're dead you don't know it. It's only painful to others. The same thing is true if you're stupid.

Score: 1393

How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know, but it's gotta be more than three, because my basement's still dark...

Score: 1240

My joke was removed for comparing Trump to Hitler Apparently it's against the rules to make personal attacks on someone even after they've been dead for over 70 years.

Score: 1060

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Score: 984

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery

Score: 943

Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree He's wanted dead and alive

Score: 878

A dad asks his son, "What has four legs but isn't alive?" The son says,"Nice try dad, a chair!"

"Not this time son, our dog is dead"

Score: 847

My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised her by going out and getting her an identical dog. She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Score: 822

I can cut a dead tree in half just by looking at it I saw it with my own eyes

Score: 766

If you give a monkey a typewriter, it will eventually write Shakespeare... ...If you give a monkey a camcorder, it will eventually film a dead body and post it to the internet.

Score: 724

One day, when Donald Trump is dead, in his tombstone, we'll read: "HERE LIES DONALD TRUMP" "EVEN THOUGH HE'S DEAD, HE'S STILL LYING!"

Score: 644

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, my basement is still dark.

Score: 608

Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because they're all dead.

Score: 525

Scientists discovered that unvaccinated kids are less likely to be autistic. Because they are more likely to be dead.

Score: 517

Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"... I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

Score: 431

I asked my daughter for the news I asked my daughter to bring me the newspaper. she said I'm too old fashioned and brought me her iPhone. Not getting too much into details, the fly is now dead, the iPhone is broken and my daughter is crying

Score: 332

TIL that children that don't get vaccines are actually less likely to be autistic Cause they're more likely to be dead.

Score: 312

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri... Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

Score: 305

Oscar Pistorius wants a new bathroom door His girlfriend is dead against it.

Score: 265

What do you get when you combine Titantic with the Sixth Sense? Icy dead people.

Score: 224

My therapist asked what would be the one thing I'd say to my pa today if he were still alive. I'd say 'I'm sorry I cremated you Pa, I really thought you were dead.'

Score: 203

New Dead Jokes

Vaccinated kids are much more likely to have autism Because the ones that aren’t vaccinated are dead.

Score: 49

My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him $35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Score: 32

I wasn't sure if my uncle had died until I went to the reading of the will It was a dead giveaway

Score: 27

I took my dad to one of them spas where the fish eat your dead skin. It was £30 but cheaper than a funeral

Score: 46

Dead people reward What do dead people get as a reward?

Atrophy

Score: 29

Tip for when you are attacked by a bear Play dead.

It will be good practice for when you die a couple minutes later.

Score: 67

What does Titanic and the iPhone X have in common? Jack is dead.

Score: 37

Never accept anything from a will It’s a dead giveaway.

Score: 35

Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on history's greatest scientific genius. Because I'm not dead.

Score: 30

Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore... Wife: why?

Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.

Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.

Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

Score: 43

Why can't T-Rex's clap? Cause they're dead

Score: 82

When you are dead you don't know you're dead. All of the pain is felt by others The same thing happens when you are stupid

Score: 76

What do you call guys under 6 ft? Dead.

Score: 26

I took my grandma to a new spa.. I took my grandmother to a new spa where they have little fish eat away at your dead skin for only $40.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Score: 27

what is a Will it's a dead give away

Score: 201

Why is bungee jumping, and a prostitute similar? You pay money for some quick fun and if he rubber breaks, you're dead!

Score: 36

How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark

Score: 34

What do the movies "The Sixth Sense" and "Titanic" have in common? Icy dead people.

Score: 200

What was two wings, but cannot fly; two eyes, but cannot see; and two legs, but cannot walk? A dead bird.

Score: 39

For sale: Dead canary Not going cheap

Score: 80

What's the difference between incest and necrophilia? Incest is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring.

Score: 125

TIL unvaccinated children are less likely to be autistic Because they're more likely to be dead

Score: 55

You want to become a necrophiliac? Over my dead body

Score: 60

What do Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common? Icy dead people.

Score: 41

What do a dead dog and a dead tree have in common? No more bark :/

Score: 84

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday… My neighbor is dead against it…

Score: 191

What do the films The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common… Icy dead people

Score: 67

I lost my cat If found, please return him, dead and alive.

Thanks,

Sincerely,
Erwin Shrodinger.

Score: 152

How is a toddler like a cell phone? If you can't find it within three days, you can presume it's dead.

Score: 69

What do you call a vegan lion? Dead

Score: 118

What do you call it when a redneck comes back from the dead? Reintarnation

Score: 188

A treehouse is cruel... It's like killing someone and then making their friends hold the dead body.

Score: 39

What's the safest place to hide a dead body? Page 2 of Google search.

Score: 122

What do you do with dead elements? You barium

Score: 104

There is no reason to beat a dead horse Unless it is flying United.

Score: 88

Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night." The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

Score: 104

Some people believe you can talk to the dead. Some people believe you can't. But all of them agree I shouldn't have tried to do it at the funeral

Score: 46

How do you talk with dead Italians? Use a Luigi board.

Score: 38

An Inuit man walks into a pet store... An Inuit man walks into a pet store holding a dead, bloodied seal, he screams at the owner "SOMEONE HAS CLUBBED MY SEAL, I DEMAND A REFUND!" The owner looks at him and says, "Sorry, warranty void if seal is broken."

Score: 167

Someone put a bounty on Schrodinger's cat, It said, "Wanted, dead and alive"

Score: 31

What do you call an antivaxer in the 1920s? Dead.

Score: 47

What do dead musicians do? Decompose.

Score: 29

Why do the T-Rex often have trouble high-fiving? Because they're dead.

Score: 78

Did you hear about the Native American who tried to break the world's record for drinking tea? They found him dead in his Tee Pee.

Score: 25

Why are dead baby jokes so funny? They never grow old.

Score: 43

Did you hear about that Native American who drank ten cups of tea one night? They found him dead the next day in his teepee

Score: 38

Why can't T-Rex's High Five? Because they're all dead

Score: 166

I was going to make a joke about that bus... I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers...

But there's no pun in ten dead.

Score: 45

My girlfriend's dog died so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one. She was livid. “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

Score: 67

What's the difference between Prince and a White Dwarf? Nothing, they're both dead stars.

Score: 29

Why are bad jokes like dead babies? Usually, something went wrong with the delivery.

Score: 42

What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Score: 54

A dark sense of humor is like a hospital. Lots of sickness and occasionally dead babies.

Score: 59

What does fast and furious 5 and the walking dead have in common? They both have dead walkers.

Score: 60

What do The Walking Dead and the Fast and Furious series have in common? They both have dead walkers.

Score: 25

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb in my basement? Apparently not seven because it's still dark down there.

Score: 122

hey, whats the definition of a will? come on guys, its a dead giveaway

Score: 29

A blonde and a brunette is sitting on a bench. Out of nowhere, the brunette says: Look! A dead bird!

The blonde gazes up into the air says where?

Score: 36

Apparently Oscar Pistorius wanted a new bathroom door... But his girlfriend was dead against it.

Score: 27

What's the difference between my job and a dead hooker? My job still sucks

Score: 184