Elderly Jokes

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .

How do you get an elderly lady to say f***? Get another one to say bingo

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him... Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

A blonde walks into a drycleaners and says 'good morning' to the elderly attendant and hands him a blouse. The man didn't hear too well and asked, "Come again"?

The blonde turned red and giggled. "No, just mayonnaise this time."

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

You better not. I heard this on Christmas day from an elderly, retired preacher.

Two men were watching a dog lick himself. One of the guys said "Man, I sure wish I could do that!"

The other guy said, "You better not- that dog will bite you!"

An elderly lady calls her husband during his drive home, "Stanley, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 5, Please be careful!"... Stanley said, "It's not just one car. There’s hundreds of them!"

A worried elderly lady calls her husband on his cell phone... "Please be careful," she tells him worriedly. "I heard on the news that there is a car going the wrong way on the highway."

To which he replies, "It's not just one car, it's all of them!"

I was on holiday in Belgium... Apparently it was obvious that I am German, because an elderly man came to me and said "you lost something ".
"What?" I asked surprised.
"The war" he replied.

The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now So I thought I’d check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.

She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.

How do most elderly golfers die? They have a bad stroke

Why do mermaids wear seashells? Because D-shells are too big and B- shells are too small.



*A random elderly woman just stopped in the street in front off where I was sitting and told me this. Awesome*

A man in a trench coat aproaches 3 elderly women on a park bench. He flashes the women. The first lady had a stroke
The second one also had a stroke
The third lady couldn't reach

What do you call an elderly Mexican man? A senõr citizen

An elderly couple are sitting in church, The wife leans over and whispers "I just cut a silent but deadly, what do I do now?". The husband replies "You need to change the battery in your hearing aid".

What is the name of the elderly man that won three bingos in a row? Jerry hat-trick ...

A handsome and well dressed old man walks into a bar... ... approaches a good looking elderly lady, and says:

"Do I come here often?"

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through, she leans over and says to him: "I just had silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"
He leans over to her and replies:
" Put a new battery in your Hearing Aid."

I just came across a group of elderly fish... Old School.

What makes an elderly millionaire bachelor more attractive? Terminal illness.

I always hated weddings... I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next.". They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

I was at the ATM, and an elderly lady asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

So I was visiting my elderly neighbor the other day and he told me something: He said "Your generation is too dependant on technology."

I replied with "No your generation is." Then I unplugged his life support.

It must be hard dating online as an elderly person You can’t be sure if you got ghosted or if they just died

What disease do elderly dinosaurs get? Jurassic Parkinsons

I was arrested for punching an elderly African-American lady at Home Depot. My wife told me to find a Black N' Decker.

My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy and asked me if I could help train it.

I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

A man in a trench coat exposed himself to three elderly ladies sitting on a park bench. The first lady had a stroke.

The second lady also had a stroke.

The third lady tried, but she was too frail and cannot reach.

An elderly lady takes a cab ride When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"

Two elderly men in a bar... ...one pipes up and asks his mate
"as we get older would you prefer Parkinsons or Alzheimers?"

Second man replies "Parkinsons, it will be bad enough spilling half my pint, never mind forgetting where I left it!"

An elderly British woman was found beaten to death on a bus in Detroit. Reportedly, her last words were:
"Pardon me, do you know where I can buy some knickers?"

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of? Incontinence.

Why do homes of the elderly smell funny? Because they’re dying on the inside.

What is the preferred candy of the elderly? RetireMINTS.

All elderly people have AIDS Hearing aids, band-aids, and Rol-aids

A elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool.

He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae.

“Crushed nuts?” asked the server.

“No,” he answered.

“Bad knees.”

My elderly neighbor has grown children. In her backyard, quite impressive.

Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision? She doesn't mend straight anymore.