Hilarious Feet Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Feet Jokes

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Score: 12634

A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.

Score: 11310

Score: 8307

Did you know Alligators can grow up to 15 feet? Most only have 4

Score: 4053

How long are math snakes? 3.14 feet. Well, at least the πthon is

(I'm so sorry)

Score: 3722

My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Score: 1784

1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow. 1's hands got so cold that they went numb.

2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.

Score: 1073

I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

Score: 978

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet Cause they lactose

Score: 768

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach? Flop-Flops

Score: 682

Why did the cannibal leave the restaurant? Because he got cold feet.

Score: 651

I slipped on some black ice yesterday. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

Score: 620

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet... she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

Score: 529

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? >**Because they lactose**

Score: 455

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

Score: 374

What lies dead on its back one hundred feet in the air? A centipede.

Score: 335

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was instant spark between us. She immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet. As I lay there, making love, I thought, "These taser guns are well worth the money."

Score: 333

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they...lactose...

I'm sorry.

Score: 285

A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet... But I can only walk so fast.

Score: 277

Crocodiles can grow up to 20 feet but most have just four.

Score: 249

Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's only when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.

Score: 230

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Score: 225

I once killed an enemy soldier by cutting off his feet. I defeated him.

Score: 211

Why does an elephant have four feet? Because six inches isn't going to satisfy a female elephant.

Score: 201

Why won't the US change over to the Metric system? Because we'd rather die on our feet than live on your 30.48 centimeters.

Score: 198

What lies on its back 100 feet in the air? A centipede

Score: 182

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it? By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.

Score: 173

Met a girl in the park... Met a girl in the park last night and there was an instant spark between us, a definite connection, she fell at my feet.

These taser guns are well worth the money.

Score: 164

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy. "You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

Score: 157

What do you call a snake that is 3.14 feet long ? A πthon

Score: 157

Why do they bury politicians under 6 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're good people.

Score: 122

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet Because I lost my car in poker last night.

Score: 119

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 feet long? πthon

Score: 107

Did you hear about the lady who fell in love with a ginger ale salesman? [original!] She was Schwepped off her feet

Score: 69

What's 8 feet tall, covered in fur, and walks around the Himalayas undermining your arguments by attacking your character? The Adhomineminal Snowman

Score: 66

I had no shoes and i felt sorry for myself until i saw a man with no feet. I took his shoes now i feel better.

Score: 65

Why is it that people with feet fetish never win? Because they like the taste of defeat

Score: 65

I was waiting at the bus stop. A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"

I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

Score: 57

Three statisticians are bow hunting in the woods and see a deer... The first shoots his arrow and misses to the right by three feet.

The second shoots and misses three feet to the left.

The third throws up his arms and yells, "We got him!"

Score: 55

What lies on it's back a hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Score: 54

New Feet Jokes

What does a frog wear on it’s feet? Open toad shoes

Score: 13

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Score: 20

Today I gave a man on the street everything in my wallet, my food, my cigarettes and even the shoes on my feet It was the best feeling in the world seeing him put the gun away and walk off.

Score: 8

A mathematician, a physicist, and a statistician are out hunting When they spot a deer. The mathemician shoots five feet to the left and misses. The physicist shoots five feet to the right and misses. The statistician yells, "We got em!"

Score: 37

The real reason some women don’t like guys under 6 feet Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

Score: 6

Blacksmith: I've just about finished this sword, just need to work out the kinks. Sword: I like feet

Score: 5

We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

Score: 29

Why does a cow have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose

Score: 8

Feet are amazing... ...you might call them legends.

Score: 5

A man with two left feet goes into a shoe store... and asks: do you have flip-flips?

Score: 10

Why do ducks have big flat feet? To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks.

Score: 26

What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes? Communists waiting in line to buy meat.

Score: 16

The police were tracking down a serial killer. The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

Score: 7

To the Girl I Kissed Last Here's to the girl that I kissed last…

She didn't kiss slowly nor did she kiss fast…

But she kissed so long and...

She kissed so sweet…

She made things stand that had no feet!

Score: 7

What can you jump over that’s a hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Score: 17

why are your feet famous? because they're legends.

Score: 14

Two cannibals were sharing a person One starts at the head, the other at the feet.

After a time one asks, "you alright?"

The other replies, "yeah I'm halving a ball!"

To which the first says, "you're going too fast!"

Score: 12

A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting... The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

Score: 9

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks" "And he did?"

"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill"

Score: 17

What's the difference between select and choose? Select means to pick something, choose are what Puero Ricans wear on their feet.

Score: 6

Who do you call when you hurt your feet while driving? A Toe Truck

Score: 7

I wanted spiritual guidance but all she did was stare at my feet. She was trying to read my sole.

Score: 5

What do you call a man with three feet but only ten toes? Blessed.

Score: 14

The law of averages A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
They spot a deer and the biologist shoots and misses left by three feet. The chemist shoots and misses right three feet. The statistician shouts "WE HIT IT !"

Score: 14

Why do they bury lawyers under 20 feet of dirt? Because deep down, they're really good people.

Score: 5

Which Goddess is 3.37 feet tall? Demeter

Score: 22

Why are horses lousy dancers? Because they have two left feet.

Score: 8

Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.

Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."

Score: 15

Donald Trump does not tell lies. He said everyone would be covered under his Healthcare plan.

He just forgot to mention that the poor would be covered by 6 feet of dirt.

Score: 10

Socks are expensive. I can go on a date or I can buy a pack of socks. I was going to ask this girl out, but then I got cold feet.

Score: 8

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long? A πthon

Score: 19

How long is a centipede? ~100 feet

Score: 20

Why are black peoples hands and feet white? Because those parts are meant for workin'

PS: Racism is wrong.

Score: 7

Lady (to her doctor): “What l am worried about is my height and not my weight.” Doctor: “How come?”

Lady: “According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches.”

Score: 5

You know the problem with cow feet? They lactose.

Score: 9

For the first few weeks after joining Weight Watchers... ... You're just finding your feet.

Score: 10

Which animal lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede.

Score: 6

I'm digging this extremely irresistible woman They really do bury them six feet underground.

Score: 5

I was tickling my brothers feet last night and my mother woke up and had a right go at me!! something about waiting till he's born first?

Score: 5

We were dissecting toads in lab... When I accidentally dropped mine onto my feet. I tried to hide it, but the instructor saw and made me leave for wearing open toad shoes.

Score: 10

What do girls call guys who are less than 6 feet tall? Friends.

Score: 29

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet? A Pi-Thon!

Credit goes to my girlfriend, the ultimate dad.

Score: 19

How did the referee declare Aaron Hernandez dead? "After review, the receiver did not get two feet down."

Score: 7

I tried to teach my dog to dance today. It was useless. He’s got two left feet.

Score: 9

What do you call a snake that's exactly 3.14 feet long? A pithon.

Score: 46

What do you call a snake that's 3.14 feet long? A πthon

Score: 11

A woman is looking at herself in the mirror "Ugh I look so old! My skin is sagging, my hair is turning gray, I've got crows feet..."

Her husband says, "well, at least your eyesight is intact."

Score: 21

Why can't your lawn be 3 feet tall? 'Cause then it'd be a yard.

Score: 8

Why didn't the necrophile like tall girls He likes them 6 feet under.

Score: 8

I went to a sarcasm convention. A girl came up to me and said, "What brings you here?"

I said, "My feet."

Score: 21

Why aren't dogs very good dancers? They have two left feet.

Score: 7

My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help. Today I stand corrected.

Score: 5

I just swept a girl off her feet. I'm quite an aggressive janitor.

Score: 17

What's 80 feet long and has 22 teeth? The front row of a Ted Nugent concert.

Score: 26

Did you hear about the statistician that drowned? Apparently he tried crossing a river with an average depth of 4 feet.

Score: 5

Why are Lawyers buried forty feet deep when they die? Because deep down they're really nice people.

Score: 7

Empty brain A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

Score: 5

What has 10,000 feet and one tooth? An unemployment line in Arkansas.

Score: 44

After My Music Lesson, My Teacher Said I Should Be Tenor Tenor twelve feet away from her.

Score: 4

What do you get when you cross a mountain and a desert? Very tired feet.

Score: 28