Hilarious Female Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Female Jokes

Husband doing crossword with his wife Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Score: 21999

How do you piss off a female archeologist? Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.

Score: 4652

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 2470

How can you differentiate male ants from female ants? They're all female, otherwise they'd be called uncles

Score: 2399

A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Score: 2309

is google male or female? female: because it refuses to let me finish a sentence before making suggestions

Score: 2016

I got pulled over by a female cop... When I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong, she said

"NOTHING"

Score: 1737

How do you piss off a female archaeologist? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.

Score: 1699

Whenever I see a female bus driver, I'm reminded of how far we have come as a society... Then I wait for the next bus

Score: 1605

Hilary Clinton could be the first F president ever elected in to office. Sorry it was supposed to say Female but the emale got deleted.

Score: 1264

If Hillary Clinton won she would’ve been the first F president. I didn’t say female because someone deleted the emale.

Score: 1219

A man gets pulled over by a female cop. He asks "what seems to be the problem, officer?", and the cop responds, "oh, nothing."

EDIT: Weee, this is my first time on the front page.

Score: 1124

How do you confuse a feminist Tell her you won't let her make a sandwich for you because she is female

Edit: thanks I came back seeing a lot of upvote. This made my day

Score: 952

No matter who wins the presidential election, it will be historic. We'll either have the first female president, the first Jewish president, the first Canadian president, or the last president.

Score: 747

I get really embarrassed when female guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Ok, he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up, but it's still embarrassing.

Score: 640

I really think Hillary Clinton will be the first f president Oops. I meant female but the emale got deleted

Score: 633

What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend? One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

Score: 611

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.” Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

Score: 608

Why is every gender equality officer in a company female? Because it is cheaper

Score: 568

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 510

Hollywood is remaking Brokeback Mountain with Margot Robbie and Emma Watson On the one hand, I hate that they have to remake all the classic movies with female leads as if that somehow makes them better. On the other hand, lotion.

Score: 447

Help! I can't stop reading fantasy novels with female protagonists... ...I'm a heroine addict.

Score: 428

Iron Man is technically a FEmale. I will downvote myself on the way out....

Score: 382

The NFL has hired their first female referee. She will throw the flag for penalties the team committed 5 years ago.

Score: 350

Hillary Clinton will potentially be the first f***** president. I wrote female, but apparently someone deleted the email

Score: 343

Is Google male or female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Score: 281

The reason for the wage gap is that men have high paying jobs like doctor, lawyer, etc. while women usually have lower paying jobs... ...like female doctor, female lawyer, etc.

Score: 256

What is College Feminism? What is college feminism?
10.000 women who took Gender Studies to figure out why there aren't enough female engineers

Score: 241

Why are hurricanes named with female names? Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

Score: 235

Why can't Russia have a female president? Because Putin is not a woman.

Score: 204

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

Score: 164

Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Score: 125

I don't know why men go to bars to meet women... They should be going to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they're already looking for things they don't need.

Score: 117

I like metal bands with female lead singers... Something about women screaming makes me rock hard.

Score: 116

President Donald Trump is great at reading female body language Too bad he reads it in braille.

Score: 109

What's Iron Man's gender? FeMale

Score: 103

If Hillary Clinton was elected, she would have been the first f president. I would say female, but the emale got deleted.

Score: 89

What gender is Google? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Score: 86

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly. Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

Score: 77

Today, I got pulled over by a female cop. I rolled down my window to ask what was wrong.

She said "NOTHING!"

Score: 77

New Female Jokes

The Female Parking Misconception Men should stop giving out about women parking far too close to the kerb. This wouldn't have happened if they hadn't constantly lied to women about how long 8 inches look like.

Score: 5

I got a new female dog today Her name is Karma

Score: 5

Did you hear about the female rapper that only raps on here period? They say she has a mean flow

Score: 13

Hillary Clinton should’ve been the first F president. Sorry, I meant female, but the emale got deleted.

Score: 7

A man is on a flight at cruising altitude when a female flight attendant comes by with a cart. She looks at him, smiles, and asks, “Would you like some headphones?” The man responds, “Yes, but how did you know my name was Phones?”

Score: 9

Hillary Clinton should have been the first F president. Sorry, I meant female, but the emale got deleted.

Score: 13

A female friend of mine told me that i should act more like a knight So i stopped showering, brushing my teeth and i raped her

Score: 15

The gender pay gap is mostly caused by the types of professions that men and women go into Men are more likely to be doctors, lawyers, or engineers.

Women are more likely to be female doctors, female lawyers, or female engineers.

Score: 5

What'd the cold prisoner do when the female guard came to his cell? Shiv 'er.

Score: 4

They say the male and female reproductive system is very similar But I think there's a vas deferens

Score: 10

How can you tell if an ant is male or female? They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles.

Score: 10

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled when she was on her menstrual cycle? They said she had a mean flow!

Score: 17

Wife asked me what am I doing Me: Killing Mosquitos
Wife: How many have you killed?

Me: Total 5. 2 Female and 3 Male
Wife: How did you know their gender?

Me: Three were near my beer bottle and two near my wallet

Score: 37

A guy picks up a female hitchiker... And when they're on the road, he jokingly asks "Lady, how do you know I'm not some kind of psychotic serial killer?".

"I dunno, but I guess the odds are pretty low that you're one too.".

Score: 21

What's the difference between a male golfer and a female golfer? There's a hole in one....

Score: 23

How do you tell a female chromosome from a male chromosome? Ask them to pull down their genes.

Score: 8

Did you know oranges have genders? If one squirts in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for absolutely no reason, it's female.

Score: 4

What do you give to a female fish that has trouble laying her eggs? a SEA-section

Score: 10

What's the worst second name for a female teacher to have? Carriage.

Score: 5

A man is buying a banana, some skittles, and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man responds: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Score: 5

A doctor is examining a young female patient... "Big breaths!" he tells her.

"Yeth!" she says, "And I'm thtill only thixteen!"

Score: 18

Hillary Clinton would've been the first F president I would've said female, but she deleted the email.

Score: 25

A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs. A man is buying a bananas, an apple and two eggs.

The female cashier says: "You must be single."

The man replied: " Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Score: 69

Two exes are texting.. Male Ex: Just ate a fish taco; it reminded me of you.

Female Ex: What a coincidence, because I ordered a pizza and it came in 20 seconds. It reminded me of you.

Score: 4

Is Google male or female? Female, because it can't let you finish a sentence without providing several suggestions.

Score: 34

Why aren't there many female football teams? Because you can't convince 11 women to wear the same clothes

Score: 18

Why are there no female suicide bombers? Good luck convincing a girl by telling her if she do it, she will meet 70 virgins in heaven.

Score: 36

If Wonder Woman is the best female warrior Would that make her Amazon Prime?

Score: 67

Newtons Law What is Newton's Third Law of Women?

For every male action, there is a female overreaction. :p

Score: 16

Who was the hottest female in mythology? Medusa, she made everyone who looked at her rock hard

Score: 4

Is there a difference between the male and female reproductive systems? Of course, there's a vas deferens.

Score: 5

Driving along the freeway I overtook a female driver doing her make up in the mirror.. I was so shocked I dropped my razor in my coffee.

Score: 6

Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome? I think it's called Two Baroque Girls

Score: 6

A White, American, college age female walks into a starbucks... She doesn't order anything.

Score: 4

What do you call a female United CEO? A drag queen

Score: 4

I'm not sure what to call the woman postal worker but apparently "female mailman lady" is **not** it.

Score: 3

You think you're special because you suddenly don't identify as male or female? The Siberian Orchestra has identified as 'trans' for over 20 years.

Score: 5

The Bikini exposes up to 90% of the female body... ...but men are so classy we only look at the covered 10%

Score: 56

I just saw a Chinese magic show The magician was named Fu Ling Yu and his female assistance was called Han Mi Dat. Great stuff.

Score: 7

What's the difference between a male paragraph and a female paragraph? The male one has no periods.

Score: 23

What would you call Bigfoot if he were female? Snatchsquatch.

Score: 18

Is Google a Male or Female? Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Score: 67

Got this new game today called "Real Life" Tried to login as a female in the china server but it always crashes on the loading sceen

Score: 4

My son got sent home from school today.. My son got sent home from school today for letting a female student jack him off

Thats the third school this month.

I guess teaching might not be for him.

Score: 6

What did the male digital signal ask a female digital signal? Do you do ANALog?

Score: 5

What do you call a female to male surgery? addadicktome

Score: 4

What do you call a female magician? An assistant.

Score: 6

What do you call a female Lannister that runs faster than her brothers A Virgin

Score: 10

What do you call a female roach with a weiner? A transpestite.

Score: 4

Who is Santa Claus? Because if in Spanish, "Santo" or "San" is used for male saints...
(San Francisco, San Diego)
And "Santa" is used for female saints...
(Santa Monica, Santa Barbara)
Wouldn't that make Santa Claus transsexual?

Score: 3

A man is buying an apple, a banana, and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Score: 53

The difference between a female and a firearm? I can put a silencer on my firearm.

Score: 12

What do female ghosts have? BooOOOooobs.

Score: 3

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up. Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

Score: 6

What do you call male and female Jewish baristas? Hebrews and Shebrews.

Score: 9

What does a female millipede do when she doesn't want to make love? She crosses her legs and says, "No, no. A thousand times, no!"

Score: 3

Why are artificial intelligences in movies always female? Because they're never wrong

Score: 57

My 6' tall female friend complains that she can't ever find pants long enough to fit. Try Amazon.com

Score: 6

My mate went to Alaska and fell in love with both a male and female bear... He's Bipolar..

Score: 11

Did you hear Beyonce now owns an all female roofing company? It's called "All The Shingle Ladies".

Score: 5