Hilarious Girlfriend Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Girlfriend Jokes

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.

Score: 28868

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Score: 23065

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

Score: 22559

Score: 19546

My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Score: 19494

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed... After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

Score: 18959

My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

Score: 18837

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

Score: 17386

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

Score: 16648

I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party. Everyone came, you should have seen her face.

Score: 16331

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Score: 15722

My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.

Score: 15620

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Score: 15601

My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?" "Whatever means necessary," she replied.

"No it doesn't," I said.

Score: 15344

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

Score: 13299

How can you tell your girlfriend is getting fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes

Score: 13072

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Score: 12634

What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she’s HIV Positive? Try to act surprised

Score: 12456

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose... I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

Score: 12235

Sitting beside my girlfriend I said, "I love you." She said, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

I said, "It's me talking to the beer."

Score: 12141

My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan. It's like I've never seen herbivore.

Score: 11897

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend

Score: 11213

My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.

She answered: "What's up, honey?"

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Score: 10328

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful. I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend

Score: 10234

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and possibly use lubricant

Score: 9552

My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious or did she?

Score: 9326

My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside.

Score: 8052

How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat? If she fits in your wife's clothes.

Score: 7675

My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.

Score: 7206

My girlfriend and I broke up today Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

Score: 7186

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!" That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Score: 4510

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 3621

My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish But today is opposite day so it's all good

Score: 3503

My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective. Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."

Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."

Score: 2474

My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure... Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.

Score: 2385

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly... She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

Score: 2249

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film. Our dates can be summarized as followed: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN

Score: 2231

My girlfriend asked me to name... My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

Score: 1962

My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess... So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France

Score: 1914

A guy and his girlfriend are talking Her: Come over.
Him: I'm coming over.
Her: We should stop using walkie talkies in bed, over.

Score: 1885

New Girlfriend Jokes

My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 627

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was arrested on suspicion that i was too good in bed After 2 mins all charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence.

Score: 972

I invited my girlfriend to the gym and then I didn’t show.... I hope she gets the message that we aren’t working out,

Score: 401

If your girlfriend starts smoking.. Use some lubricant.

Score: 535

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby... ...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

Score: 468

What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates 1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.

Score: 388

Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

Score: 1566

My girlfriend left me because I kept pretending to be a transformer I said "No, wait! I can change!"

Score: 301

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

Score: 1637

My girlfriend dumped me on 9/11. That's one way of making sure I'll never forget.

^^^This ^^^isn't ^^^a ^^^joke, ^^^I'm ^^^actually ^^^broken ^^^inside.

Score: 363

I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do... it's to the door to open it for her.

Score: 464

My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it. She sounds just like my wife

Score: 616

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

Score: 1122

My girlfriend's a pornstar. But for the life of me, I don't know how to tell her.

Score: 733

My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together... ... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

Score: 840

I got a girlfriend today! I wish I could post this on any other thread.

Score: 743

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

Score: 351

My girlfriend asked me with how many girls I've slept with "Only with you babe..." I replied

"Awww, really?"

"...Yeah, with the others I stayed awake."

Score: 764

My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again

Score: 1459

My girlfriend accused me of cheating. I told her that she was starting to sound like my wife.

Score: 614

My girlfriend said I'm horrible at fixing Appliances. Well she's in for a shock.

Score: 312

My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

Score: 1169

My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

Edit: I love my girlfriend.

Score: 926

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24 What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

Score: 520

My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen, and my girlfriend is pregnant. It seems I can't take anything out on time.

Score: 328

I hate women who lie over the smallest things. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Score: 695

My girlfriend told me if I didn't stop singing "I'm a believer" by smash mouth she would dump me... I thought she was joking
But then i saw her face

Score: 665

What is the difference between arguing with your girlfriend and arguing with a knife? The knife has a point.

Score: 428

My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine… So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…

Score: 382

If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off" "In your daughter" is the wrong answer

Score: 536

My friends made fun of me because they found out that my girlfriend is imaginary... Jokes on them, they're imaginary too.

Score: 711

My girlfriend’s parents are very religious… The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.

It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.

Score: 467

I love it when my girlfriend says men think with their penises That woman blows my mind

Score: 346

As I lay in my new girlfriend’s bed, I noticed four lines carved into the headboard. “Is that how many men you’ve slept with?”, I asked.

“Yes”, she replied, “One thousand, one hundred and eleven.”

Score: 330

My wife accused me of cheating I said you're starting to sound like my girlfriend

Score: 901

A mathematician couldn't remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2. But he knew it was <3.

Score: 1028

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

Score: 1501

My girlfriend was telling me all about the gender wage gap... It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.

Score: 452

My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.

Score: 611

My new girlfriend works at the zoo… I think she's a keeper…

Score: 497

My girlfriend admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her. It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

Score: 1342

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

Score: 924

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me because I'm too cocky. I told her to close the door on her way back in.

Score: 760

What’s the name of Mr. T’s girlfriend? April, fools

Score: 1535

My girlfriend's parents are very religious The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he is very attractive.

Score: 403

My girlfriend asked me, "If you could have any super-power, which one would you have?" I said, "America."

Score: 904

Today I got a girlfriend I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

Edit: Obligatory "omg so many upvotes/wow RIP my inbox lol/thanks for the gold."

Score: 1082

I suggested my girlfriend she would look sexier with her hair back... Apparently it's an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 437

My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

Score: 576

My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised. In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.

Score: 518

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend... Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

Score: 502

Loyalty is very important for my wife... My girlfriend doesn't care.

Funny how different sisters can be.

Score: 413

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of kill it. We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

Score: 545

Apparently 1 out of 3 people cheat in a relationship I just don't know whether it's my wife, or girlfriend.

Score: 423

My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

EDIT: I know this is a repost but what do you expect? This is /r/jokes

Score: 1429

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, then I didn't show... I hope she gets the message that we aren't working out.

Score: 652

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we both are... But I laugh more.

Score: 590

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed My name, my address, my phone number

Score: 567

My girlfriend and I had a fight and she asked me for distance and time, But for the life of me, i cant figure out why she wants to calculate velocity

Score: 1004

My girlfriend of 3 years has never told me a joke. We are in a serious relationship.

Score: 941