Hilarious Glasses Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Glasses Jokes

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”

Removed the edit due to the negativity flooding my phone, you can find an explanation of it in my recents. Much love to the positivity tho :).

Score: 22674

What are you going to do in the weekend? "I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

Score: 11995

I told a girl, "you look great without glasses" She said, "but I don't wear glasses."

I replied, while polishing my lenses, "yeah, but I do."

Score: 6117

Score: 5110

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Score: 3813

The other day I told a girl, "You look great without glasses." Girl: "I don't wear glasses."

Me, while polishing my lenses: "No, but I do."

Score: 2727

We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?” I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

Score: 1206

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases the chances of a stroke by 50% Let her finish the bottle and she'll probably suck it as well.

Score: 1122

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses She drinks straight from the bottle.

Score: 1015

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle.

Score: 780

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses? Because they don't C#.

Score: 578

Boss: Do you know why I called you in here? Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic

Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine)
Accidentally?

credit u/zarina300

Score: 565

What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spectator.

Score: 545

WARNING! To whom ever took my glasses!!! I will find you, I have contacts!

Score: 486

I told my wife she was prettier when she didn't wear glasses She said "So are you"

Score: 415

A policeman stoped me today and asked for my license. He said: “It says here that you should be wearing glasses."

I said: “Well, I have contacts."

The policeman replied "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

Score: 379

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them... I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

Score: 284

Why do Java programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#

Score: 282

I got so drunk the other night that I lost my glasses. The rest is a blur.

Score: 265

Why do a lot of math nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Score: 231

I need glasses to see my family Specifically, two glasses of scotch.

Score: 202

Why do java coders wear glasses? Because they don't C#

Score: 185

Why do JavaScripters wear glasses? Because they don't C#

Score: 183

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too". The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.

Score: 163

Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years. His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently she stood him up.

Score: 156

I told a girl she looks better without glasses Girl: "But I don't ever wear glasses"

Me (while cleaning my glasses): "But I do"

Score: 147

Never Hit A Guy With Glasses Hit him with a baseball bat.

Score: 141

I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them! to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on

Score: 138

"Honey, I don't like how you look with these new glasses." "But I don't wear glasses.."
"I know, but I do."

Score: 138

Guess who I ran into when I went to get my glasses. Everybody

Score: 132

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep. One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

Score: 110

Why do Javascript programmers wear glasses? Because they can't C#

Score: 107

Never hit a man with glasses Fists are just more efficient

Score: 91

Why do Java engineers wear glasses? .
.
.

Because they can't C#

Score: 88

A kid loses his glasses and falls down a well... Too bad he couldn’t see that well.

Score: 65

My grandmother is 80 and still doesn't need glasses She drinks out of the bottle...

Score: 48

I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right.

....but I really want to win the glasses.

Score: 37

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drown in his tea pee.

Score: 33

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all... ...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Score: 33

My girlfriend told me I look better when I'm not wearing glasses I told her she also looks better when I'm not wearing glasses.

Pretty sure she's not my girlfriend anymore.

Score: 30

New Glasses Jokes

What has four "i"s but cannot see? A person with glasses.

Score: 0

What is a moth’s favorite type of glasses? Lampshades!

Score: 3

My dear grandma is eighty-five-years-old and doesn’t need glasses. She drinks straight out of the bottle.

Score: 0

I need glasses when programming because I can’t C#.

Score: 0

Van Gogh started painting at 27, but had to give it up 10 years later... ...apparently his glasses kept falling off.

(OC: Jimmy Carr)

Score: 2

I made some reading glasses out of mayonnaise bottles. In heinzsight they're not very good

Score: 2

I think someone threw one of the very stale complimentary breadsticks onto the stage... But then I adjusted my glasses and it was just Amy Schumer.

Score: 1

A nerd walked into bar He wasn't wearing his glasses

Score: 15

(Not OC) Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? Because he lost all his contacts

Score: 2

I need glasses to see my family. In particular, two glasses of scotch.

Score: 15

Son says to father “Daddy i don’t need glasses when I’m near you.”

“How son?”

“When I’m with you, I have super-vision.”

Score: 6

Why did the computer get glasses? To improve his web sight.

Score: 1

Stephen Hawking had his first date for 10 years last week. He came back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees... Apparently she stood him up!

Score: 12

What do you call an optometrist? A doctor for whom the glasses are always half full.

Score: 1

I made a TON of money selling fake eclipse glasses!! ...don't worry though. They'll never see me again.

Score: 1

What do you call a potato with glasses? A spec-tater.

Score: 3

I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take. Don't get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I know it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.

Score: 3

For sale: Slightly used eclipse glasses Selling them to raise money for my optometry bills.

Score: 3

I'll never forget this solar eclipse, it'll forever be seared into my mind... ...and retinas. I really should've worn some glasses.

Score: 2

I looked at the eclipse without glasses. Now I will get to see it for the rest of my life.

Score: 16

If the eclipse glasses I sold you don't work... see me after, and I'll give you a refund.

Score: 4

A lemming enters a bar... The bartender looks at him, sighs, gets out all of his glasses, and starts pouring.

Score: 1

The government will be giving out special glasses for the solar eclipse It's called the no child left blind

Score: 1

I need glasses in order to see my family... ... Glasses of Vodka.

Score: 9

I need my glasses in order to see my family Specifically two glasses... of scotch.

Score: 2

I caught my roommate trying to hide his glasses in the fridge today.. He said he was trying to look cool.

Score: 8

Why was the iPhone wearing glasses? Because he lost all his contacts!

Score: 2

Wait, the juice is out? Better get my glasses

Score: 1

I really must get some glasses.... Today I walked into a brothel instead of a barbers!

I asked for a number 2 all over

Score: 18

My son asked me to hand him his sunglasses. I said 'You never told me you had a son named glasses!'

Score: 2

What state wears glasses? Mississippi, because it has four eyes.

Score: 12

Why did the Javascript programmer wear glasses? Because he couldn't C#

Score: 2

Yo mamas glasses so thick when she looks at a map, she can see people wave

Score: 3

Why do JavaScript programmers need glasses? Because they can't C#.

Score: 2

Why is it better to take your glasses off before you are doing Alcotest? Because that'll make it 2 glasses fewer.

Score: 2

My wife beat me up and stole my glasses I'm beginning to see her in a totally different way

Score: 5

A grasshopper hops into a bar.... He hops on to a bar stool. The bartender who is polishing glasses says, "Hey, We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper responds, "Really, you have a drink named Kevin?"

Score: 2

Why was the phone wearing glasses? It lost its contacts.

Score: 19

My optician told me my glasses needed some tuning... ... but now I can C# again.

Score: 4

She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on." She: "Honey, I don't like you with the new glasses on."

He: "But sweetheart, I don't wear any glasses."

She: "True, but I do."

Score: 1

Did you hear the one about Seymour? He's got new glasses.

Score: 1

"Its ok to hit a man with glasses." - United Airlines

Score: 4

I just got glasses! 20/20 would recommend

Score: 27

The realist, optimist, and pessimist find a note under their 3 empty glasses It says "Sorry, but while you were arguing whether your drinks were half full or half empty, I drank them.
Love from the opportunist"

Score: 5

I always thought I was more attractive without my glasses. Of course, that's mainly because I can't see without them.

Score: 15

Trump really does make everything overseas He had his shirts made in Korea, his glasses made in China, and his Presidency made in Russia.

Score: 4

Why are people with glasses terrible gamers? Because they only see Through one frame per second

Score: 1

Why couldn't the man remember where he left his glasses? It was all a blur.

Score: 2

Why did the vampire have to get glasses? Because he was blind as a bat!

(My 4 year old sister came up with this one yesterday)

Score: 11

Why do java programmers need glasses? They don't C#.

Score: 3

My brother wears non-prescription glasses whenever he takes a math test He says it helps with the vision.

Score: 2

For my birthday... For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved

Score: 2

What do you call an detective's glasses? Inspectacles

Score: 2

Have you ever hit a man with glasses? No. A 2by4 works much better.

Score: 1

Why don't NFL players wear glasses? Because it's a contact sport.

Score: 14

When I was a kid, I went on vacation and forgot my glasses I don't remember much though.

It was all a blur.

Score: 3

Why would a penguin want glasses? To help with his *ice*sight.

Score: 2

Someone asked me today where I'll be in 5 years... Seriously? I'm wearing glasses, you know I don't have 2020 vision.

Score: 3

Why the java programmer wear glasses? He couldn't C#

Score: 6

Yesterday at the optician... So I was getting new glasses at the optician yesterday and she was real cute, so I was flirting and it was going pretty well until I fell into the lens grinder and made a spectacle of myself.

Score: 11