Grocery Store Jokes

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "


P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

/u/username goes to the grocery store.... username checks out.

A wife sends her programmer husband to the grocery store for a loaf of bread... On his way out she says "and if they have eggs, get a dozen". The programmer husband returns home with 12 loaves of bread....

Shredded cheese has officially been banned in grocery stores in the US. Trump will make America grate again.

I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent... ...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

I think the girl at the grocery store likes me, she was totally checking me out.

A man walks into a grocery store. Asks for a pound of tomatoes.

The grocer says, "we call them kilos over here."

The man replies "fine, a pound of kilos then."

A programmer's wife sends him to the grocery store... She says: "I need you to go get a gallon of milk, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

He comes home with 12 gallons of milk and says: "They had eggs."

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry. It's been several days now, what should I do?

“Back in the day...” my grandfather started to say. “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a bit of butter as well.” “But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

Where can the most desperate men find dates? In the grocery store, next to the raisins. <.<

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store? Picking his nose

So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store... We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.

Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store? Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid

Wife: why so many?

Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free!

They say "Eat before you go to the grocery store, you do not buy as much" That does NOT work with a liquor store....

I hate it when I run out of toilet paper and I have to make the trip to the grocery store in really small steps.

A wife asks her newfie husband to stop by the grocery store on the way home... She tells him, "pick up a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, get a dozen"

He comes home later with 12 loaves of bread

“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....” "But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

Why does the cashier at the grocery store always ask if you want paper or plastic? ...because baggers can't be choosers.

A woman walks into a grocery store She grabs milk, a banana, toothpaste and a bottle of wine. When she goes to checkout, the cashier asks “Are you single?”

“Why yes, I am, how did you know that?” She exclaims

Cashier: “Because you’re ugly”

Why can't clerks at the grocery store pick which cashier they work with? Because baggers can't be choosers.

While browsing broom section at grocery store with girlfriend... Me, to older man also browsing: "you think the cheap $4 ones work just as well as the $12 ones?"


Older man, without missing a beat: "I don't know, ask her to take it for a spin."

Why are some cucumbers individually wrapped with plastic at the grocery store? Double usage

I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card. The terminal instruction read "strip down, facing cashier".

I locked eyes for dominance.

Man walks into a grocery store When the cashier asks if he wants his milk in a bag, he says "No thanks. Keep it in the jug."

Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store... Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself

If marijuana starts getting sold in a grocery store... Would it be in the pharmacy or the baking aisle?

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.

Grandma: "I remember the days when we could walk into a grocery store with a ten dollar bill and come out with a handful of stuff" Me: "That's cool Grandma. But you can't do it anymore, they've got cameras everywhere"

People always say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry. But I haven't eaten for a week and I'm getting really, really hungry.

I saw an entire display of beer fall over onto a small child
at the grocery store today. Luckily the kid was okay. It was Bud Light.

Thanksgiving Shopping A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.

What's the difference between a cow and a Soviet grocery store? A cow has milk in it

A magician was walking down the street then he turned into a grocery store.

What's the difference between a young christian boy and most grocery store milks? One is pasteurized, the others pastorized.

The programmers shopping list The programmer's wife sent him to the grocery store.

"Hun, I need you to buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen.." she says.

Programmer comes home with 12 loafs of bread.

I cut the entire line at the grocery store. When they asked what I was doing, I said "I'm losing wait"

I really miss my kids, I haven’t seen them for 3 years. But the line at the grocery store is really long and I promised I would get some milk.

My grandma won the local grocery store's anual dance competition. She didn't miss a beet.