Hammer Jokes

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open. Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

The blacksmith hires an apprentice He instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil. When I nod my head, you hit it with the hammer.”

The apprentice did exactly as he was told, and now he’s the new village blacksmith

"I see", said the blind carpenter As he tripped over his hammer and saw

wife's insisting to quit job The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.
She's got a point, I suppose...

I work in a hammer factory.

My employer has recently started testing their products on animals. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't work for a hammer factory.

Wife texts husband, "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband replies, "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it
and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife sends back 5 minutes later, "Computer is really messed up now."

Wife texts husband on cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder.. Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

"I see!" says the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

Why wasn't the hammer allowed to join the party of seven other tools? Cause he was tool eight.

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer. When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning... 'Windows frozen; won't open'

Husband texts back, 'Pour warm water over it and *gently* tap edges with hammer'

5 minutes later wife texts back, 'Computer really messed up now.'

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer..it's "art" and "music". But when I do it...I'm "wasted", and "have to leave Home Depot".

I think it's bullcrap how Miley Cyrus can get naked, lick a sledge hammer, and people call it "art" and "music". Yet when I do it, I'm "wasted" and " have to leave Home Depot".

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning” I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer? He picked up the hammer and saw.

I'll always remember Granddad's last words to me... "WHAT'RE YOU DOING IN HERE WITH THAT HAMMER?"

My wife texted me at lunch "Window's frozen"

"Pour warm water on it, then lightly tap the edges with a hammer and chisel" I replied.

Ten minutes later, she called back.

"We need a new computer now".

This is Hammer, this is Screwdriver, this is The Wrench... You know The Drill.

Why wouldn't the frog lend his hammer to the mushroom? Because it's a toad's tool.

I went round MC Hammer's house the other day. It was rubbish!!

He wouldn't let me touch anything.

Somebody must have roofied my drink last night. I woke up at 4:00 this morning with an irresistible urge to go hammer some shingles.

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer? He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

I went to a party last weekend at MC Hammer's house, but it wasn't very enjoyable though... ...he kept getting really paranoid about people touching things...

If thor throws his hammer a long distance, Does that make it Mjol-far?

When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders... When I cast my vote for Bernie Sanders, do I punch the ballot with my sickle or my hammer?

3 rules of construction: 1. Always use the right tool for the job. 2. The right tool is always a hammer.

3. Every tool can be used as a hammer.

What do you call a shy person with a hammer? BASHful!

What did the hammer announce over the intercom to the evacuating screws screaming for help? "This is not a drill!"

"I see," said the blind construction worker, As he picked up his hammer and saw

Little Johnny tells his friend, "My grandpa died yesterday." Friend asks, "Oh, how did that happen?"

Johnny, "He hit his thumb with a hammer."

Friend, "But you can't die of that!"

Johnny, "I know but he wouldn't stop screaming and cursing so we shot him."

I remember the last thing my grandma said to me before she died... She said "What're you doing in here with that hammer!"

The blind man said he could see So he picked up his hammer and saw

What do you call a strange hammer? An abnor-mallet-y!

"I see," said the blind man... ...as he picked up a hammer and saw.

What kind of toothpaste does Thor use? Arm and Hammer.

Why is it... That when Miley Cyrus licks a hammer naked it's called 'Music' and 'Art', but when I do it, it's called 'Property Damage' and 'Nudity' and I get kicked out of Home Depot?

I'll never forget the last thing my mother said to me before she died "Put down that hammer Jimmy!"