Hilarious Health Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Health Jokes

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For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr

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Birthdays are good for your health Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

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Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass. Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

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I tell everyone I can about the health benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.

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My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, my grandfather stole my money.

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My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin... It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

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The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

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According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

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You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health? I'm voting for the dying one.

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I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

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If I die... If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I’m in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It’s all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It’s new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"

"No. She’s left-handed."

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I failed my Health and Safety Test today apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer

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Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

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What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

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It's scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health. The more of them you have, the longer you live.

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Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man? It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

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My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house. So I started smoking.

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Did you hear about the haunted health food store? Everything is super-natural.

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The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer. Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

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Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare? Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

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I like my health care like I like my hookers (oc) Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

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42! 42! 42! A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting "42! 42! 42!", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!

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My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.

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Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.

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Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office." Doctor: "Turn him around. Make it look like he was walking in."

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Yo mama so fat We all are seriously concerned about her health

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Do you know why consuming ants is good for your health? It's because they have anty-bodies!

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My mate took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin. It cost him $35, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral.

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What's not 50% off today? Health insurance

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My doctor told me to remove trans fats... Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?

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Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals Due to their stable environment

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My doctor said I am the picture of health The before picture

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"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"… …but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…

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Why don't snails use the internet? Salt is bad for their health.

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Why did the robot see a psychiatrist? Because he had metal health problems...

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Everyone is concerned about Trump's health after he posted an incomprehensible tweet about his covfefe But don't worry. Dr. Hufghfufu just assured the media that he's agvofofi.

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Did you hear about the doctor who sent a group of crows to a mental health institution? He committed a murder.

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A rat along with two of his best buddies walk into a bar the bar had to be shut down due to health violations.

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My sister and her husband live next to a bunch of cell phone towers, and they're concerned it’s going to affect the health of their children. *If* they can stop having miscarriages.

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New Health Jokes

What would Trump call his health care program to replace Obamacare? TrumpIDontCareDoYou?

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Did you hear about the health of Kim Jong Un? He's now Kim Jong Under the Weather

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The world health organization has announced that dogs cannot contract coronavirus.all dogs previously quarentined can go out In short, WHO let the dogs out

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The World Health Organization (W.H.O.) is referring to the recent weeks as the “Quarantine Age”. In an interview, when asked about Italy, they said it was a.... “Quarantine Aged Wasteland” - the W.H.O.

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The World Health Organizion says that dogs can't contract COVID-19, so they don't need to be quarantined anymore. WHO let the dogs out.

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WHO even is the world health organization Punny

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2020 was having a contest with 2021 over who would be the best year... But 2020 got cancelled because of health problems so 2021.

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I dated Demi Lovato once and all i got when we brole up was 1/4th less health

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What do you call it when you have every single mental and health disorders? The Web M.D. disorder.

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Yeah, drinking Pepsi isn’t great for my health... But at least I’m not snorting coke!

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That upscale restaurant received a D grade on their Board of Health inspection Their surf and turf dish was Steak Diane with Salmon Ella.

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What’s a health conscious hippie use to make their toast? Grainful Bread

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My grandfather always used to say "Watch your health, kid, not your money". Well years later someone stole all my money. It was my grandfather.

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You have to take these modern homeopathic health fads with a pinch of salt. Preferably Himalayan pink rock salt, due to its high mineral content and detoxifying effects.

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How do anime fans diagnose health problens? WeebMD

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My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay in drugs Now the paper is gorilla and floor is melting

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Despite what people may try to claim and what studies they may pull up, the anti-vaxx movement is critical to improving mental health of future generations to come. Stupid won't stop itself from breeding.

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. Don't commit suicide its bad for your health.

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Where do African Americans with no Health Insurance get their new organs? the black market

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What are the three Ms that women take from me? Money...

Mental health...

My testicles...

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New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

Edit: I'll do it later

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Cross country is good for your health in the long run

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If I had 50 cents for every mental health exam I've failed... I'd have cats.

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Derek Zoolander selects his health insurance provider Blue Cross Blue Steel

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My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year. Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

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Lawyers really make great patients for therapists They have great health insurance and they never get better

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The Secretary of Health and Human Services resigned today Apparently, the Price wasn't right.

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My parents used to be huge health nuts My grandma told me that they used to buy everything organically and said "Anything that comes in a sealed plastic bag is bad for you." Strangely, they stopped saying that after I was born.

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I read an article about how smoking is bad for your health and I decided... That's it.

I'm no longer reading

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Anti-vaxxers won't get this one A clean bill of health.

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People keep telling me that concussions are really bad for my health. I can safely say that after three years of playing high school football, my Brian is working just fine!

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Health food doesn't make you live longer. It just makes it **seem** longer.

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We should care more about the mental health of batteries.. They are all bipolar.

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My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your.. My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."
So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.
It was my grandfather.
Jackie M.

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When I was little I heard that Russians liked to drink A lot... After going through health class I realized that was bad but hey, if they wanted to be alcoholics then Soviet

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I learned a lot from my affair with my health teacher But not enough to pull out an A so I ended up going with plan B

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Sad news in music today... Justin Bieber was spotted in good health.

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9 out of 10 doctors say dying is harmful to your health. So did the other one.

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Son: what's a Canadian, mommy? Mommy: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey

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Don't worry about losing health care under the Trump administration We won't need it after the EPA starts restricting oxygen

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One reason not to die. Its bad for your health and can drastically reduce life expectancy.

Edit: I realise its two but I thought of the other bit half way through and... I cant think of an excuse.

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What good did the Trump administration do for the American public? Public health.
With all the marches Trump triggers, the average American person has never been more fit

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What do they call the doctor who released private health information after he got mad at his being given away? A Hipaacrite

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2016 has been a bad year: my attorney sued me for assault, my health-club canceled my membership for non-payment. On the plus side, my social media presence increased! So 2016: Hit attorney, deleted gym...but Facebook up!

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The World Health Organization have a new motto out this year! (drum roll please) Who cares... ?

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How did Zarathustra introduce his peanut-based health drink? "I teach you the goober quench!"

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I went to the health clinic the other day... My doctor said I weighed 483 pounds but I shouldn't worry about it because we are in the UK

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Doctor, I need help. I have a bowel movement everyday at 7. But that's very health, Mr Johnson.

It would be but I don't wake up until 8

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