Heat Jokes

I keep hearing people say these SoCal earthquakes are being caused by the heat or as punishment for how we have been acting. I think they are wrong. It is actually the San Andreas's fault.

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow... He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

New study shows bodies found from the Bermuda Triangle all died from heat exhaustion... ...everyone knows its 180 degrees inside a triangle, I don't know why people even bother traveling through it.

A Soviet newspaper announces: "Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."

"...in four microseconds."

The doctor gave me one year to live. So in the heat of the moment, I shot him. And the judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I finally got a microwave to heat up my leftovers So I was able to quit cold turkey

So I was teaching my brother English... I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

What do you get if you apply enough heat and pressure to Pringles? Fission chips

Heat or cold Which one travels faster, heat or cold?

Heat, because you can catch a cold.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night........ .......... should have put it on aloha heat.

I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks. Dad loved her, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour on a low heat.

I asked my friend if she wanted to do yoga in the park? "In this heat?" She said, "Namaste at home"

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat? "Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

People are giving Hillary too much flak for fainting I mean come on, it was 92 degrees out there, how can you expect an older women to withstand 102 degree heat. I'd like to see you give a speech in 112 degree heat and see if you can make it as far as her.

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm. However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Why does LeBron James wear high socks? His Cavs can't handle the Heat

Ooh! Ooh! I have a current events joke! Go easy on me im drunk.

When I heard that the A/C had gone out at the AT&T Center in San Antonio tonight for the NBA finals, I thought to myself... I guess this favors the Heat.

This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator... This Heat is Like a Middle Eastern Dictator. It's oppressive, you can't get away from it, and I'm pretty sure we can blame the U.S. for it.

What's the difference between chrome and chromium? Chrome will heat my laptop to 1907 °C and still remain frozen.

This week a team at NASA announced a mission to land a probe on the sun To avoid the extreme heat of the sun, they explained, the probe will land at night.

I tried my best to prepare my girlfriend for dinner with my folks - Dad loved her, so did my sis, but mum said she could’ve done with another hour or so on a low heat.

Kissing is like peeing your pants Everyone can see it but only you can feel the heat

What freezes when you heat it up? Your computer.
(Actually mine freezes as well)

Water and heat walk into a bar... It was steamy..

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents

I always heat up my Thanksgiving leftovers. I quit cold turkey a long time ago.

Cougars are hot. But it's a dry heat.

Today I learned that heat makes things expand Your mom is REALLY hot

Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat.

What do you call the sun when it masturbates? A heat stroke

What happens if you put a child in an oven and turn the heat up to max for 1 hour? I'll tell you in 10 minutes.

A blonde stood on the streets of new york city with a surf board... She just wanted to catch the highest of the heat waves!

I overcooked my Hawaiian pizza I should've put it on Aloha heat

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank... ...proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

What's the difference between Kathleen Wynne and a dumpster fire? A dumpster fire produces affordable light and heat.

Kim Jong-un makes an urgent call to his top General... "When I said 'Nuke the Chinese' I meant heat up last night's take-away!"

If you can't stand the heat... You're probably at my grandma's house.

I told my wife to put her coat on... She said 'why, are we going out?'

'No,' I said, 'I'm going out and I'll be turning the heat off.'

Two muffins were in an oven... One muffin said "Boy is it hot in here"

The other muffin said nothing as it died of heat exhaustion just moments earlier.