Hilarious Hello Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Hello Jokes

A mummy calls a restauraunt. - Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

Score: 1957

My girlfriend wanted to try "doctor and patient" roleplay But things went awry from the start when I said: "Hello! I'm your dietitian..."

Score: 1501

"Hello, is this anonymous NSA hotline?" "Yes, David, how can we help you?"

Score: 1350

A telephone rang. "Hello! Is your phone number 444-4444?" "Yes, it is," came the reply.

"Thank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone."

Score: 1062

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82. "Hello."

Score: 970

"Hello everyone, welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous." "I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."

Score: 813

How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello? Konnichihuahua

Score: 680

A horse walks into a bar and requests "Hello, I'd like some anthropomorphization please" The bartender replies: "I think you've had enough already"

Score: 609

Last night I woke up, startled, to a female’s voice coming from my desktop. “Hello,” it said, “It’s me.” Upon further inspection,
I realized it was just
a Dell.

Score: 608

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Score: 581

I spotted my ex girlfriend on the other side of the museum hall, but I was too self-conscious to go say hello. There was just too much history between us.

Score: 539

Score: 381

Plastic surgery anonymous "Hello everyone, welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous, I see a lot of new faces here today and I have to say I'm really disappointed with you all..."

Score: 359

I looked across the museum hall and spotted my ex girlfriend, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was just too much history between us.

Score: 353

The inventor of autocorrect died today His funfair will be hello on sundial

Score: 301

PRANK CALL I did when I was a kid. PHONE RINGS

Person Answers - "Hello?"

Prankster - "Is this the suicide hotline?"

Person Answers - "Uh...No. Sorry you have the wrong number."

Prankster - I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT!!!!

CLICK

Score: 280

"Hello I'd like to register for mime classes" "Ah, say no more"

Score: 246

My Russian wife wouldn't even teach me how to say hello in her language She says it's private.

Score: 229

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar... The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

Score: 207

I just bought a new computer... When i turned it on, instead of saying "Welcome", it said " Hello".

It's a Dell.

Score: 173

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello." At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…

Score: 172

How does a cannibal say hello? He offers you a handshake.

Score: 170

I hate it when they say, "white people can't dance"... Like Hello? We had the king of pop himself micheal Jackson.

Score: 169

What did the Python say when he came out of his shell? Print("Hello World!")

Score: 166

I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in Hello!

Score: 159

*Using Ouija board* “Hello is anyone there?” *Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

“Dammit this is a Soulja board”

Score: 159

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?" Student: "My father fell into a pit"

Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"

Student: "I think so, he stopped screaming for help today."

Score: 148

Two policemen . . . Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband
dead for stepping on the floor she had mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No sir. The floor is still wet."

Score: 136

I accidentally said Hello to a feminist the other day. The court trial starts tomorrow.

Score: 119

To whoever invented autocorrect... ...there's a special place in hello for you.

Score: 108

What computer can sing the song "Hello"? A Dell.

Score: 87

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk. Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

Score: 71

My favourite thing to do is to walk into book stores and say “Hello! I'm looking for a book titled ‘How to deal with rejection without killing’.” “Do you have it?”

Score: 52

A psycopath goes into a store He approaches the person at the counter and asks:

-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?

-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.

Score: 28

How do Japanese dogs say hello Konnichihuahua

Score: 24

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. hello

Score: 23

I opened my computer and it said hello.... It was a Dell.

Score: 23

What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend? You had me at "hello world".

Score: 20

There's a woman named Jean who works in my lab and everyday she comes in stinking of body odor. I don't really speak to her much and rarely say hello, usually if I pass her in the hallway I just say "Hi Jean"

Score: 16

Hello and welcome to Pessimism club. Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.

Score: 13

New Hello Jokes

How Does A German Baker Say Hello? Gluten tag!

Score: 3

I used an Ouija Board today. "Hello, is anyone there?"

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

"Ah damnit, this is a Soulja Board"

Score: 2

A blonde lady is going to the doctor Doctor: Hello miss, what's the issue?

Blonde lady: Oh doc, i swallowed an ice cube

Doctor: Ah okay, anything wrong?

Blonde lady: YES! It didn't come out yet!

Doctor: ...

Score: 5

I was doing a survey on hello and hi Every month I will tally if most people greet me with hello or hi.
most of the months, Hi won, but every October...

Hello win!

Score: 3

A man joins an atheist club at his school and at the first meeting says "Hello, I'm Christian" and the leader of the club kicks him out. It's difficult being an atheist named Christian.

Score: 4

How does a Japanese Pimp say hello? "Wasabi!"

Score: 3

What do people say when you mix rat, pig and human DNA? Hello congressman.

Not stolen!

Score: 2

What did the policeman say when he saw a man with one leg, no arms, and 3 heads? Hello Hello Hello , you look (H)armless but hop it.

Score: 4

I said hello to a pretty girl which I thought was waiving at me But it happens that it was to someone behind me.
To avoid the embarrassment I kept my hand up and a taxi stopped. So I went to the airport and now I am in Finland, starting a new life.

Score: 2

A Swede and a Finn meet for a drink. The Swede arrives and sits down at the table.
'Hello' says the Swede.
'Are we here to talk or drink?' asks the Finn

Score: 2

What did the astronaut programmer say when he came back to Earth? Hello world.

Score: 3

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first meeting of the simon says club! Please have a seat!

\-sigh\- looks like we have some work to do

Score: 9

Hello, you have reached the urology department. Please hold.

Score: 5

A man in a wheechair is playing golf... His caddy walks up and says "Hello sir! What is your handicap?"

Score: 3

How do stormtrooopers say "hello" to a friend they haven't seen in a long time? "I missed you!"

Score: 2

A Muslim band just released a cover song It’s called Jihad Me At Hello

Score: 3

Why did Adele cross the road? To say “Hello from the other side”

Score: 2

How do Japanese dogs say hello? Konichihuahua

Score: 2

How does a Japanese chihuahua say hello? Konichiuaua

Score: 10

*knock-knock* Hello, sir. Do you live here? No, i live down the street.

Score: 3

How does an Italian pokemon say hello? ciaoazard

Score: 2

'Dating' in the south Man : ' hello sir, I'd like to start dating your daughter & take her out to dinner tonight'

Dad: ' no.'

Man: ' You never let me do anything dad!'

Score: 3

How did the german donut say hello? Gluten-taag!

Score: 5

What did the programmer say when he was born? Hello, world!

Score: 5

Aussie bin man knocks on front door of China mans house as he can't find his bin. Aussie binman: gd day mate. Where's ya bin?

China man: ah hello. I bin sleeping.

Aussie bin man: na mate. Whes ya wheelie bin?

China man: ah. Ok. I really been wankin.

Score: 2

What did the blind man said when he passed the fish market? "Hello ladies!"

Score: 2

Two crows that are husband and wife are home when The phone rings. Ethel answers, hello? Hey Ethel Bob home. Yeah hang on. Hey Bob! Yeah? Phone caw!

Score: 2

Hello, I'd like to introduce you to my friend. He's a Jewish Barista. Hebrew.

Score: 5

A boy calls 911... Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

Score: 7

How do Japanese Gangsters say Hello?? WASABI

(What's up B!)

Score: 3

What do you call a computer that says "Hello" when you turn it on? A Dell

Score: 4

What kind of computer says "hello" when starting up? Adele

Score: 13

What did Al Pacino say to his lover? Say hello to my little friend!

Score: 5

What did the cow say to Adele as she walked past its field? “Hello from the udder side.”

Score: 10

A Man walks into a Japanese Restaurant Man:Hello, Can I have some chili?
Server:I'm sorry sir, This is a Japanese Restaurant
Man: thinks for a few second
Man: Herro, Can I havo some Chiri?

Score: 2

How do Japanese chihuahua's say hello? Konnichichuahua

Score: 6

I'll never forget what my father said to me the first time I went to prison "Hello son"

Score: 6

What does C++ say to the Java? You had me at "Hello World"

Score: 2

Man answers the phone: "Hello sir, this is a short survey. What is your name? "Adam"

And your wife's?

"Eve"

Ha! That's funny..does the snake lives there too?

"Yes one moment. Honey, get your mom please..."

Score: 8

hello, this is 911, what's your emergency? it's national donuts day.

Score: 2

How do a Japanese Chihuahua say hello? KONICHIHUAHUA!! 😀

Score: 5

Chris Cornell died... Well Chris, say hello to heaven for me.

Score: 3

A man walks into a library... A man walks into a library and finds the librarian.

Man: Hello, I was wondering if you had any books on small penises?

Librarian: I'm sorry, it's not in.

Man: Yeah! That's the one!

Score: 3

A man walks into a restaurant Waiter : Hello, what can I get you today?
Man : I would like some chili please.
Waiter : Sir, this is a Chinese restaurant.
Man : I wourd rrike some chirri prease.

Score: 2

A blind man was taking a stroll And on his walk he passed by a fish market. As we he was walking by, he took a deep breath and said "Well hello, ladies!"

Score: 12

What did Adele's first computer program do? It printed "hello world, it's me"

Score: 1

Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello from the other siiiiide

Score: 4

Trump and Kim meeting for the first time "Hi, I'm Glorious Leader. I'm the best ever and I'm going to destroy the world with sociopathic aggression and dumb-fuckery."

"Hello, Mr. Trump. I'm Kim Jong Un."

Score: 2

"Hello everyone to social anxiety anonymous" "I see no one has come and I have to say I am very disappointed."

Score: 2

People always talk about doing whatever it takes to get where they want to get. Hello ladies, my name is Whatever It Takes.

Score: 3

Blind dude... Young blind dude walks in front of a fresh fish store. He stops and waves and says:
"Hello girls! I love you all!"

Score: 1

Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem? Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the d

Score: 1

Just became a fan of Adele She had me at Hello

Score: 2

I said hello to a feminist... my court trial is tomorrow

Score: 3

Doctor & Patient Doctor: Hello, did you come to see me with an eye problem?

Patient: Wow, yes, how can you tell?

Doctor: Because you came in through the window instead of the door.

Score: 4

What's the difference between a happy programmer and a sad programmer? "Hello, world" and "Goodbye, cruel world"

Score: 12

A middle eastern man walks into a southeast American bar... and says to the bartender, "Hello, I am Amarrah Kaan."

The bartender says, "No you ain't."

Score: 1

The NSA created a dating app to identify potential terrorists. They called it "Jihad me at Hello."

Score: 11

What happens when wife bought a new sim? A wife bought a new sim, decided to call her husband sitting in the lounge. She called from kitchen and said "Hello Darling, What's up"
Husband with low voice: Call me later, the witch is in the kitchen now.

Score: 2

"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist. "I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.

"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

Score: 7