Contents
Contents
There are only two seasons in Russia: Winter and nuclear winter.
Democracy in Russia I bet you were expecting more.
In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda... Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.
A young boy goes to his father in Russia
The boy asks "Papa, could I please have 5 rubles"
Papa is surprised and asks "20 rubles? Why do you need 50 rubles?"
The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men. There is a three year waiting list.
How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia? Njetflix
Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ? Crimea River
Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.
What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland? Russian to Finnish.
The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.
Come on, Trump has no ties in Russia. His ties are made in China. His business loans are in Russia.
In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the Party can always find you.
In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president
What do you call a tree living in Russia? Dimitree
The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia
- It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..
said one of the orphans.
What happens to investigative journalists in Russia? They're Putin jail
What was Justin Timberlake's biggest hit in Russia? Crimea River
What do you say when there's no internet in Russia? Internyet.
Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia. It's called Nyetflix.
What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia? NyetFlix
Which means "No Tv for you!" in Russian? Njetflix
The England team visited an orphanage in Russia yesterday. "It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Vladimir, aged 6.
If a man were born in Russia, raised in Spain, and buried in France, what would he be? Dead.
Why will the 2018 world cup in Russia be so cold? There's no Chile in it.
In Russia nobody ever says "thank you" Because there, they speak russian.
What are coffee shops in Russia called? Tsarbucks.
How do you get someone in Russia to wait? Stalin
Jokes in Russia aren't funny... Unless everyone gets them.
My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke... Because in Russia line punch you.
I wonder if they got jokes in Russia about "capitalistic America"... In capitalistic America, bank robs you!
What's the current number one song in Russia? Crimea river
What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia? Internyet.
Trump really does make everything overseas He had his shirts made in Korea, his glasses made in China, and his Presidency made in Russia.
In Russia they don't use a 'royal we'... Instead, they use a Bourgeois-we
Did you know people in Russia are sexually attracted to light? In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!
What kind of cow do Hindus living in Russia worship? A moss cow.
In America you bear arms. In Russian you arm bears.
Why shouldn’t you wear underpants in Russia? Because Chernobyl fall out
the first death in Russia caused by coronavirus. The patient had other conditions: at autopsy they found a bullet in the head
Have you heard about the new disease? No, not THAT one. There's a venereal disease that originated in Russia. It's called *ROTCHERCROTCHOV*.
A blonde asks what time is it. He replies it's 5 before 7
The blonde says: so it's 2?
Source: Joke was told to me in Russian. English it might not read well. Since jokes aren't allowed to be written in other languages here, I wrote an English variant.
A guy knocks on the door of the leader of the Bolshevik party in Russia. A lady answers... “Oh, is Len in?” The guy asks.
Statistics have proven that the average parent communciates with their child using smartphones
Antivaxxer parents use an Ouija board.
P.S. (Sorry if it's a repost, just saw a meme in Russian and it was my first time)
#Vodkandroid Only in Russia they consider that Elon Musk is not only a billionaire but also a troll. since they seriously believe that money can be spent for the benefit of humanity and not only for golden toilet bowls
How do you know a farm is in russia When their cows say "Moooooo-ther russia"
What do you call a laundry in Russian? Kompromat
Where in Russia did the barn owl live? In Barnaul.
When people ask me, “Is it true that in Russia you all have been brainwashed”, I laugh at them! I don’t find that funny and I don’t want to laugh, but I can’t help myself.
I noticed in Canada websites end in .ca, in the U.S. with .com. I'm willing to wager that in Russia it ends with -cam.
Why should you alway keep your zipper up while in Russia? Because otherwise Chernobyl fallout.
Why is it always sunny in Russia? Putin doesn't like rainbows.
I just realized why so many car accidents happen in Russia. They're always Russian around.
How do you order a glass of water in Russia? Ask for a virgin vodka.
Why is Edward still in Russia? Because he is Snowd*en*
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