Hilarious In Russia Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest In Russia Jokes

There are only two seasons in Russia: Winter and nuclear winter.

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In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda... Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

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A young boy goes to his father in Russia The boy asks "Papa, could I please have 5 rubles"
Papa is surprised and asks "20 rubles? Why do you need 50 rubles?"

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The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

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In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you.

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Homosexuality in Russia is a crime, and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with hundreds of other men. There is a three year waiting list.

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How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia? Njetflix

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Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ? Crimea River

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Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

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What is a marathon runner doing when he starts a marathon in Russia that ends in Finland? Russian to Finnish.

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The England football team went to visit an orphanage in Russia this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Anatoly, aged 6.

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Come on, Trump has no ties in Russia. His ties are made in China. His business loans are in Russia.

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In America, you can always find a party. In Russia, the Party can always find you.

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In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president

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What do you call a tree living in Russia? Dimitree

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The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia - It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..

said one of the orphans.

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What happens to investigative journalists in Russia? They're Putin jail

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What was Justin Timberlake's biggest hit in Russia? Crimea River

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What do you say when there's no internet in Russia? Internyet.

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Despite Putin's recent crackdowns, a new streaming service for banned movies has launched in Russia. It's called Nyetflix.

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What is the most popular movie streaming service in Russia? NyetFlix

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Which means "No Tv for you!" in Russian? Njetflix

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The England team visited an orphanage in Russia yesterday. "It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope" said Vladimir, aged 6.

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If a man were born in Russia, raised in Spain, and buried in France, what would he be? Dead.

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Why will the 2018 world cup in Russia be so cold? There's no Chile in it.

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In Russia nobody ever says "thank you" Because there, they speak russian.

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What are coffee shops in Russia called? Tsarbucks.

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How do you get someone in Russia to wait? Stalin

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Jokes in Russia aren't funny... Unless everyone gets them.

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My Russian friends cringe everytime I tell a joke... Because in Russia line punch you.

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I wonder if they got jokes in Russia about "capitalistic America"... In capitalistic America, bank robs you!

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What's the current number one song in Russia? Crimea river

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What do you call it when there is no internet in Russia? Internyet.

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Trump really does make everything overseas He had his shirts made in Korea, his glasses made in China, and his Presidency made in Russia.

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In Russia they don't use a 'royal we'... Instead, they use a Bourgeois-we

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Did you know people in Russia are sexually attracted to light? In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!

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What kind of cow do Hindus living in Russia worship? A moss cow.

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In America you bear arms. In Russian you arm bears.

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Why shouldn’t you wear underpants in Russia? Because Chernobyl fall out

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New In Russia Jokes

the first death in Russia caused by coronavirus. The patient had other conditions: at autopsy they found a bullet in the head

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Have you heard about the new disease? No, not THAT one. There's a venereal disease that originated in Russia. It's called *ROTCHERCROTCHOV*.

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A blonde asks what time is it. He replies it's 5 before 7 The blonde says: so it's 2?

Source: Joke was told to me in Russian. English it might not read well. Since jokes aren't allowed to be written in other languages here, I wrote an English variant.

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A guy knocks on the door of the leader of the Bolshevik party in Russia. A lady answers... “Oh, is Len in?” The guy asks.

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Statistics have proven that the average parent communciates with their child using smartphones Antivaxxer parents use an Ouija board.

P.S. (Sorry if it's a repost, just saw a meme in Russian and it was my first time)

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#Vodkandroid Only in Russia they consider that Elon Musk is not only a billionaire but also a troll. since they seriously believe that money can be spent for the benefit of humanity and not only for golden toilet bowls

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How do you know a farm is in russia When their cows say "Moooooo-ther russia"

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What do you call a laundry in Russian? Kompromat

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Where in Russia did the barn owl live? In Barnaul.

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When people ask me, “Is it true that in Russia you all have been brainwashed”, I laugh at them! I don’t find that funny and I don’t want to laugh, but I can’t help myself.

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I noticed in Canada websites end in .ca, in the U.S. with .com. I'm willing to wager that in Russia it ends with -cam.

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Why should you alway keep your zipper up while in Russia? Because otherwise Chernobyl fallout.

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Why is it always sunny in Russia? Putin doesn't like rainbows.

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I just realized why so many car accidents happen in Russia. They're always Russian around.

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How do you order a glass of water in Russia? Ask for a virgin vodka.

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Why is Edward still in Russia? Because he is Snowd*en*

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