Hilarious Killer Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Killer Jokes

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Score: 9999

Picked up a hitchhiker last night He said thanks! how do you know i’m not a serial killer though?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical

Score: 1040

Everyone is talking about how the inaugural attendance was 1/40 of what it was in 2009... They don't understand how killer the commute from Moscow is.

Score: 984

I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer. No one will do it.

Score: 438

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They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer.... So I threw Dave off a cliff just in case it was him.

Score: 316

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-wife's killer... ...but no one will do it.

Score: 305

Have you ever heard of the mexican train killer? He had loco motives

Score: 286

My girlfriend wanted a favor from me Her: I want you to kill my ex and make it seem like an accident

Me: Say no more

LATER

Detective: It looks like the killer beat him to death and then placed a banana peel by his feet

Score: 225

I've been trying to find my girlfriend's killer for the last month. Nobody's agreeing to do it.

Score: 215

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The suspense" So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

Score: 200

A Serial Killer, Car Thief and Russian Spy walks into a bar And that was just the first guy

Score: 187

What's the difference between a politician and a serial killer? The serial killer might listen if you plead with them

Score: 176

I’ve been searching for two years to find my wife’s killer So far, nobody will take the job.

Score: 159

I've searched high and low for my brother's killer but nobody is willing to do it.

Score: 153

How much RAM does a great white shark have? A killer-bite.

Score: 139

I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer. But no one will do it.

Score: 137

I’ve been looking for 3 years to find my wife’s killer..... I still haven’t found anyone to do it

Score: 132

If I was a serial killer my name would be "The Suspence" So my victims would be like "oh no, the suspense is killing me"

And then we would both laugh right before I kill them.

Score: 114

I picked up a hitch hiker and he asked, “Why did you pick me up, I could be a serial killer.” I just replied, “The odds of having two serial killers in the same car is astronomical.

Score: 110

I've spent the last 2 years looking for my ex girlfriends killer. But no one will do it

Score: 105

I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday He said:
"Thanks! How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

I said:
"The odds that there's another serial killer in the car are astronomically low"

Score: 99

I keep trying to find my wife's killer But nobody will do it

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I've spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer But sadly, nobody will do it

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I spent the past 2 years looking for my girlfriend's killer But no one will do it

Score: 82

I picked up a hitchhiker and he was surprised He asked me, "Dude, why did you give me a lift? What if I was a serial killer?"

I laughed and replied, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical"

Score: 79

They say one friend out of every group has the potential to be a serial killer So I pushed Steve off a cliff, just in case it was him.

Score: 73

For the past six years I've been trying to find my mother-in-law's killer... ...but nobody wants the job.

(Courtesy of Steve Pemberton & Reece Shearsmith)

Score: 60

What do you call a band of killer whales? An orcastra

Score: 51

What kind of contract killer has two butts? An assassin

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I’ve searched high and low, far and wide for my wife’s killer. So far, nobody is willing to do it.

Score: 36

I've spent more than four years looking for my mother in law's killer. But I can't find anyone to do it!

Score: 22

What do you call Salvador Dali after multiple homicide? A surreal killer.

Score: 22

A guy picks up a female hitchiker... And when they're on the road, he jokingly asks "Lady, how do you know I'm not some kind of psychotic serial killer?".

"I dunno, but I guess the odds are pretty low that you're one too.".

Score: 21

What did the spoon dress up as to the Halloween party? A cereal killer.

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I've spent years looking for my girlfriend's killer But no one will do it

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The real Zodiac Killer is... Cancer.

Score: 18

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orca-stra

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What do a serial killer and a prolific gardener have in common? Both of their sheds are filled with hoes.

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I've spent a year looking for my wife's killer... ...but no one will take the job.

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New Killer Jokes

They call me a baby killer You kill a baby or two and suddenly you are a baby killer, like what abot the men n women I killed.

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“Head, shoulders, knees & toes” is a killer song right now Touch your “Eyes and ears and mouth and nose”

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Find yourself a serial killer called 'The Suspense' So that when you die, you can say 'The Suspense is Killing me', laugh together about it, and then get stabbed to death

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You know what is worst than a serial killer? A parallel killer

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What kinda murderer only kills in the mornings? A cereal killer

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What does a pro fisherman, a serial killer, and a teenager have in common? They’re all Master Baiters.

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What’s the best place for a killer vacation? Dominican Republic

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A Mexican serial killer killed dos people He never even left a tres

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I heard they were making a movie about a serial killer duo and their wacky adventures when finding their next victim It's called Dahm & Dahmer.

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Which famous serial killer has a leakage problem? Jack The Dripper.

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If a killer whale wanted to compete with the Philharmonic, he'd just have to sip on a soda. Then he'd have a full orca straw.

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Watching this weird High School Musical sequel on Netflix Zac Efron becomes a serial killer.

Score: 5

I noticed a serial killer, so I walked up to meet him I was just dying to get his attention

Score: 4

I just read that a local serial killer has been handed 20 consecutive life sentences totalling 500 years in prison. What a joke, in today's justice system he'll probably only do half of that.

Score: 1

What do you call a singing group made up of killer whales? An ORCA-pella

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Have you heard about that new genius serial killer targeting prostitutes? He has a perfect memory and uses it to track his victims. Once someone’s been abducted, they never get away. His thots never escape him.

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I figured out the zodiac killer case It was cancer.

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I've spent the last two years looking for my girlfriend's killer. But no one will do it.

- Anthony Jeselnik

Score: 9

Carl the serial killer was sentenced to death. He requested a steak burrito from Chipotle as his last meal. When asked if he wanted chips and guac he said "yes but hold the guac, it gives me indigestion."

Edit: this was funnier in my head

Score: 2

There was a serial killer who beheaded his victims. He obviously got a head in life.

Score: 1

My wife asked, if the Cinnamon Toast Crunch guys are cannibals why do they keep hanging out together... I said, I think it's the same guy eating all the other Crunch guys, he's a cereal killer.

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I've been searching for months for my girlfriend's killer... ...but no one will do it.

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I've spent the last 4 years looking for my ex-boyfriend's killer But no one will do it.

Score: 14

The police were tracking down a serial killer. The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

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Have you tried the whale sushi? It's Killer

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how does a serial killer unwind? netflix and kill

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Why did the serial killer create a Pinterest account? To upload pictures of his coffee table made out of palates

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What do you call a serial killer that killed everyone at a frat house? What do you call a serial killer that killed everyone at a frat house?

The life of the party.

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You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie and you relate more with the killer.

Score: 13

I stepped on my corn flakes... Now I'm a cereal killer.

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Say what you will about Elon Musk but with his plans to bring people to Mars, no one is a more creative serial killer.

Score: 4

I wanted to show my friend some music I'm orchestrating... But they stopped me right away, saying, "this sounds like the beginning of a killer whale joke."

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I've spent the last 5 years looking for my ex girlfriend's killer. So far I haven't found anyone that will do it.

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They say one friend in every group has the potential to be a serial killer ...so I threw Dave off a cliff in case it was him.

Score: 10

What do you call it when a future serial killer's mom has an abortion. A miscarriage of justice

Score: 4

What kind of murderer has moral fibre? A Cereal killer

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I've been looking for my ex's killer for years... But no one would do it.

Score: 5

I stepped on some cornflakes this morning I am now a cereal killer

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What do you call a serial killer that works out? Ed Gainz

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Why couldn't E, H, and D hide from the serial killer? Because i died.

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What does the killer clown look for? The Jugular.

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I despise Hitler. That's why I love his killer.

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Cheerios has been giving out seeds to help save the bees but in doing so the seeds have been found to harm certain ecosystems instead. So wouldn't that make Cheerios a cereal killer?

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Why should you still be scared of a serial killer who just had one of his arms cut off? Because he still isn't completely 'armless.

Score: 5

I accidentally stepped on a cornflake I am a cereal killer.

Score: 4

What do you call a fire in a marijuana farm? A weed killer

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My best friend became a serial killer after his girlfriend Ruth left him Now that shes gone, he pretty much became ruthless

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Did you hear about Disney's new Tick Tock Crock ride? It's killer.

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A serial killer leaves his mark on his victims by cutting off their left hand and right leg. Authorities say something sinister is afoot.

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The authorities just apprehended a notorious cereal killer. When they asked him why he did it, he said... ... he did it for the Kix.

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Did you hear about the mass shooting at the thrift shop? The killer was said to be goodwill hunting.

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My mexican friend sent me a code about a serial killer . " Ted † "

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If they have yet another Death Star type weapon in Star Wars... They should just name it cancer because it's the most successful star killer at this moment.

May you rest in piece David Bowie and Alan Rickman.

Score: 1

I've spent the past few months looking for my ex-boyfriends' killer but no one will do it.

Score: 2

Have you ever heard of the lady who was accused of being the infamous Quilted Killer? She's innocent until proven quilty.

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Did you hear about the whale that went to the party? He was killer.

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I spend 2 years looking for my ex-girlfriends killer... But so far no one will do it..

Credit to Anthony Jeselnik.

Score: 5

So today I met a guy who went to high school with OJ Simpson. I asked him what OJ was like back then. He was quite the lady-killer apparently

Score: 3

I have a beta fish named Carl He's a real lady killer!

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For the past two years I've been looking for my ex girlfriend's killer ...But nobody will do it

Score: 14