Hilarious Kitchen Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Kitchen Jokes

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

Score: 24660

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 20851

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.

Score: 14722

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips... "Are you the friar?" he asked.

The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."

Score: 6912

Score: 5519

What has 6 eyes, 16 tentacles and quacks like a duck? I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.

Score: 1606

Women have eggs and milk in them... And they say that they don't belong in the kitchen.

Score: 1570

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.

Score: 1569

Son: "Dad! My lsd is missing!" Dad: "We have bigger problems son, there's a dragon in the kitchen."

Score: 1557

I was banging this nice lady... I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every
day.

Score: 1169

It is funny how my wife waits for me in the kitchen all night till I come back from the pub... ...just to ask me what time it is.

Score: 960

Why girls don't have willys Little brother came into the kitchen and declared "mom, now I know why girls don't have willys! They fall off, and I found yours under your pillow"

Score: 954

I was banging this nice lady………. I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

Score: 699

My wife walks into the kitchen Me: it sure is muggy outside

Wife: if you put all the mugs on the porch I'm leaving you

*Sips coffee out of bowl*

Score: 553

If you work at a factory making kitchen work tops and you're very good at your job Then ironically, you're being counter-productive.

Score: 483

My boyfriend left me because of my anxiety issues... Oh, wait. He just went to the kitchen to grab some coffee.

Score: 466

My roommates get angry when I steal their kitchen utensils But frankly, thats a whisk I'm willing to take.

Score: 329

SMS I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

Score: 321

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Score: 274

When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.

Score: 233

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen after we had a furious argument over how cheap and pennypinching I've become since we got married… She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half…

Score: 231

My girlfriend told me to move out as i am no help around the house. So as i walked out i tightened the lids on all the jars in the kitchen.

Score: 198

It may be illegal to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a whisk taker

Score: 191

My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Score: 188

"Mom, before I was born did you want a boy or a girl?" "I wanted to pickup a fork that fell on the kitchen floor..."

Score: 180

I was told by a female friend that I was being sexist and should look at things from a woman's perspective more often But I can't see very much from my kitchen window

Score: 164

My wife and I had a huge argument because she accidentally flooded the kitchen but we've sorted it now. It's all water under the fridge.

Score: 149

I never thought I'd be shoplifting from a kitchen supply store But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

Score: 149

Try the back door! I was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the
front door open.
She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"
Thinking back, I really should have ran - but you don't get offers
like that every day.

Score: 137

I really hate men that says women belongs in the kitchen How are they then supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Score: 124

Jokes that say women should stay in the kitchen are so offensive... How else are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Score: 120

I keep on taking kitchen utensils from my parents My friends say I'll be in prison if I'm caught, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Score: 107

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor.. At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

Score: 97

I went into the kitchen this morning and noticed the trash was leaking Or “crying” as she calls it.

Score: 91

My roommate gets angry when I steal their kitchen utensils It's a whisk I'm willing to take

Score: 58

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my... Rameses kitchen nightmares.

Score: 40

Why did Sean Connery hire a special kid to clean his kitchen? He had Dish-abilities

Score: 27

A man driving a car hits a woman. Whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in the kitchen?

Score: 26

Old joke time, Why are wedding dresses white? To match the other appliances in the kitchen.

Score: 23

I hate when people say "women should stay in the kitchen" ...how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house?

Score: 22

New Kitchen Jokes

Why did the pig to to the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Score: 2

My wife has been trying to stay in shape so when she asked me to grab her a snack from the kitchen... I came back with a cup of ice cubes. I said to her, "hey, a no cal crunch". I'm not sure why, but things got cold after that.

Score: 3

If you’re American in the kitchen and you’re American in the bedroom, what are you in the bathroom? European.

Score: 2

My wife was teaching our children that Barbie and Disney were sexist and misogynistic. I happen to believe that children learn through examples set by their parents.

So I told my wife to shut her yap and get back in the kitchen.

Score: 5

Parenting is sometimes like being a criminal For instance when I'm in the kitchen and yell "Stay back! I have a knife"

Score: 2

I kept my wife at home in the kitchen all day today, baking I hope the police don't look in the oven

Score: 19

A father watched his daughter kill a butterfly He went up to his daughter and said: “for killing the butterfly you get no butter for a week”

The next day his daughter saw a cockroach in the kitchen and stepped on it.

“Nice try” said her dad.

Score: 2

As a child, I always cried when my dad was cutting onions in the kitchen... Onions was a good dog :(

Score: 12

A man driving a truck hits a woman who's fault is it? The mans, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen

Score: 10

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

Score: 3

"There's some kitchen counters over there," said the assistant. I looked over and saw one of them talking to himself.

"1 kitchen, 2 kitchens, 3 kitchens..."

Score: 4

What utensil in the kitchen is used to keep track of time? A colander!

Score: 5

Why do Crusaders need kitchen sinks? To wash their Saladin.

Score: 12

A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen... I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.

Score: 5

My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

Score: 7

Did you know you can't go into a Kosher kitchen if you're having an argument with dairy? Because then you would be having beef with cheese.

Score: 4

A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business... It's called counter intelligence.

Score: 9

Yesterday I glued my palms to the kitchen floor It's hands-down the best decision I've ever made

Score: 3

If a tree falls and only a woman hears it.... whats a tree doing in the kitchen?

Score: 5

This flood is devastating. Everything in my kitchen ended up sinking with the exception of a carton of ice cream and some root beer. They stayed afloat.

Score: 2

Ever got caught fapping under the kitchen sink? Me neither! Great spot, isn't it?

Score: 2

What do you call a man who makes jokes about women in the kitchen? Single.

Score: 13

A baker was training his protege in the kitchen. The protege gets hungry and starts eating some dough he found on the counter. The baker gets mad and yells, "Hey! I kneaded that!"

Score: 5

A chef lost one of his legs in a kitchen accident... ... now all he cooks is Lean Cuisine.

Score: 11

I came walking in from the kitchen, and asked my niece for the phone book. She laughed and called me an antique, then proceeded to give me her phone.

Long story short, the spider's dead, and she's in the living room crying.

Score: 21

Gordon Ramsay on Kitchen Nightmares is kind of like a prostitute.... A major part of his job involves putting all sorts of awful and nasty things in his mouth!

Score: 2

Doctor: how did you get a black eye? Me: I was banging my neighbor over the kitchen counter when we heard he front door open.

She said, "that's my husband! Quick try the back door!"

Thinking back I should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday!

Score: 5

I was in the kitchen when a flying insect came through the window and exploded I think it was a jihaddy longlegs

Score: 7

A mother is cooking in her kitchen when... A mother is cooking in her kitchen when she picks up the pot. A genie comes out of the pot and says " You have one whisk, use it wisely"

Score: 3

I like my woman like I like my microwave In the kitchen and ready to kill any baby I put inside of them.

Score: 7

Gordon Ramsay The only guy who tells girls to get out of the kitchen

Score: 7

What do shrimp wear in the kitchen? A-prawns

Score: 12

Why do 19th century western women insist on staying in the kitchen? It's easier to control the arsenic.

Score: 3

Husband: Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000... Wife (Shouting from the kitchen): "It's because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!"

Husband: "What?"

Score: 3

To anyone thinking that a womans place is the kitchen Remember that's where the knives are kept.

Score: 8

I bought my wife a kitchen mixer for Christmas and she hasn't opened it yet which is great because I am going to give it to her for Mother's Day.

Score: 5

Why was the pig in the kitchen? He was bakin

Score: 5

My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.

Score: 6

Taking a stroll in the park is like robbing an Asian kitchen. Either way, you're taking a wok.

Score: 3

My wife got hit by a car the other day I'm still trying to figure out what a car was doing in the kitchen

Score: 5

What did the sauce cook text to the hot girl working in his kitchen? Send noodles.

Score: 2

I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife... I just didn't cut the mustard.

Score: 4

5 easy steps for eating healthier today 1. Go to kitchen
2. Look around in search of healthy snack
3. See cake sitting on counter
4. Eat all of it
5. Leave kitchen

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Score: 3

Why did the bird cross the kitchen? To Eat! To Eat! To Eat!

Score: 2

If a man is driving and hits a woman, whose fault is it? The man's. Why was he driving in through the kitchen?

Score: 3

Did you hear about the troublesome teaspoon? It went into the kitchen and caused a stir.

Score: 2

Spilt milk I hate how every time I come home and go to the kitchen my flat mate has spilled milk everywhere. How dairy

Score: 9

Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley!

Everything but the kitchen sinks.

^(I warned you)

Score: 6

I hate restaurants that have quirky and confusing ways of displaying men and woman bathroom signs. I mean, what am I?!? Am I a kitchen or an exit?

Score: 3

i don't think women should stay in the kitchen... i mean, how are they supposed to clean the rest of the house from there?

Score: 9

Why are women terrible drivers? Because making sandwiches behind the wheel is a lot harder than making them in the kitchen.

Score: 3

What do you call it when a Catholic renovates his kitchen? A counter reformation.

Score: 5

Why can't Saudi woman drive? There's no road from the kitchen to the bedroom.

Score: 5

What sits in the kitchen and gets smaller and smaller? A baby combing its hair with an apple peeler

Score: 5

[OC] What did the asian say when he saw a line at the local soup kitchen? Ugh.... Pho queue...

Score: 3

On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited... On my birthday, my wife asked me to take her some where she never visited. So I took her to the kitchen :P

Score: 3

What happens when wife bought a new sim? A wife bought a new sim, decided to call her husband sitting in the lounge. She called from kitchen and said "Hello Darling, What's up"
Husband with low voice: Call me later, the witch is in the kitchen now.

Score: 2

A guys wife is in the kitchen making a sandwich when he walks in with a duck under his arm

Score: 4

What did the sexist man say when his girlfriend asked for his coat? If you can't stand the cold, stay in the kitchen.

Score: 9

They say dad's a transvestite. -Mommy, mommy! The kids in school say that dad's a transvestite!

-Son, your mom's in the kitchen.

Score: 14