M C Jokes

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy They all suck

I’m convinced girls from Tinder are haunted. They keep ghosting me.

My Girlfriend thinks that I am childish My Girlfriend broke up with me.

She thinks that I am childish.

So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

I spent 15 years suffering from chronic procrastination.... And I still can't decide if I prefer sativa or indica.

P.s I am getting really annoyed by that persistent promoted post!

I hated my job at the recycling plant, I was in charge of crushing aluminum cans It was soda pressing

What do you call a gun made out of sodium chloride? A salt rifle.

I’m canoeing in Sudan, not Egypt - my map must be wrong I guess I’m just in denial

A mom caught her son jacking in the garage... ...she said to him, "Look son, I know you are at the age where you are curious and want to experiment with these kinds of things.... but please stop trying to remove the wheels of the car!"

I'm currently studying the art of persuasion. I think you should too.

I'm currently studying snails and slugs. It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.

I heard the 3 out of 5 people suffer from cancer The other 2 must be enjoying it!

What do you call a weapon made of sodium chloride? A salt rifle.

I played chess with my friend from Central Europe. Czech mate.

I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins... All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

Budum dum crash If a drummer quits band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was just collecting dust at home anyway.

All of my friends say I'm condescending... (That means I talk down to people.)

Went to the doctors office today, turns out I'm colorblind... The diagnosis really came out of the green.

I just flew back from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs!

How do you know if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before swallowing.

It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class I came close, but no sugar.

Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical isotopes? Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.

I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my... Rameses kitchen nightmares.

What did the baby corn say to mom corn? "Where's popcorn?"

There is an ice cream called batman Just ice was served

If a arm covered in tattoos is called a "sleeve", what do you call a full body covered in tattoos? A mistake.

What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving? Thanks for coming.

"On the plus side, I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades" - probably Helen Keller

AA meeting: "Hi I'm Chad and I've been sober for forty days" "Not in a row or anything, just total."

How do you stop sausages from curling in the pan? You take away their little brooms.

My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

Did you hear about the teen suicide figures throughout the Muslim community? It's exploded in the past few years

People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist... It's a shame that she died years ago.

Started dating a girl from calligraphy class. She wasn't my type.

If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

Hello and welcome to Pessimism club. Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.

My Muslim co-worker brought a CD copy of the Quran into work today… He got really annoyed when I asked if I could burn a copy.

I just found out i'm colorblind.. I'm shocked.. it totally came out of the purple

I just found out I'm colorblind. I'm absolutely shocked! It came right out of the purple.

What room can't a skeleton enter? The living room.

Did you hear about that guy who died from crushing a Coke in a hydraulic press? It was soda-pressing.

what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on in the morning.

A scientist asked if I would let him clone me; I said no, but he made me anyway.

So I'm in my hotel room, it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm completely naked—and the maid walks in ...finally.

I went to a sarcasm convention. A girl came up to me and said, "What brings you here?"

I said, "My feet."

I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer.. It was a suspended sentence

Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock? So he could wake up inside.

My girl broke up with me, thinks I am childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and ran away..HA!

A young muslim couple go out hunting and shoot a monkey The woman asks, "Shall we eat him?"

The man replies, "No, that's haram, bae!"

I think I'm gonna fail my Women in Islam class The course covers everything

Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year The first Apple product that doesn't suck

(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson

I don’t mind that my wife thinks I’m crazy. I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.

Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner? Mine's just gathering dust.

"Hey man, the hot girl from class winked at me today!" "Really, bro?"

"Yeah, with both eyes too!"

When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes... ...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

My dog's got no legs, I call him cigarette ...... Because every night I take him out for a drag.

A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.