M C Jokes

Contents

Funniest M C Jokes

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine. I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

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Funny M C Jokes
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I just found out I'm colorblind The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

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Girl: come over. Guy: I’m coming over. Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over.

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I just flew in from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs.

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Someone told me I'm condescending That means I talk down to people.

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I just found out i’m colourblind The diagnosis came out of the purple

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Whoever stole my Microsoft Office, I'm coming after you... You have my word

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Why did the sperm cross the road? I accidentally put on the wrong sock this morning.

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My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

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How did Hitler keep his shoelaces from coming untied? Little knotsies.

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I recently bought my pet duck a mask, to protect it from corona virus... It’s nothing flashy, but it fits the bill

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I've been told I'm condescending. (That means I talk down to people.)

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Today I am celebrating 100 days without alcohol! Not consecutively, though.

Score: 802

Just found out I'm colorblind it came out of the yellow.

Score: 791

My dog has no legs. I call him Cigarette. Every night I come home from work, I take him for a drag.

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Why did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong sock this morning.

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My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me

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My biology teacher grew human vocal chords from stem cells in the lab, the results... ... speak for themselves

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My girlfriend thinks I'm cheating on her, and I'm getting tired of it. She sounds just like my wife

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Dad, I'm cold.. Dad : Go stand in the corner son.

Son: why?

Dad: because its 90 degrees

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I just found out I'm colour blind The diagnosis came completely out of the green.

(Courtesy of a family member)

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Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

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I was at an atm and some little kid asked me to help him check his balance ... So I pushed him over

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How do you know if you have a high sperm count She has to chew before she can swallow

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So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise... Apparently she found out that he'd been in A Few Good Men.

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The guys at the gym called me a fat loser ... It's really great how they notice my effort.

Score: 332

I recently found out that I'm colorblind... It came out of the purple.

Score: 321

Why did the sperm cross the street? I wore the wrong sock this morning.

Score: 319

My girlfriend keeps insisting that I'm cheating on her. She's starting to sound like my wife.

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How did the sperm cross the road? I put on the wrong socks

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I'm concerned with the world news at the moment. Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, and I was thinking.

"If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere".

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Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail Turns out they were in for assault and battery

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My doctor just asked me if I knew my sperm count "Didn't realise they were that clever"

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I got Inside a vacuum chamber once. It was breath taking.

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I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner... All it does is collect dust.

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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan? You take away their brooms.

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They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs I don't buy it

Score: 199

Why did the sperm cross the road ? Because I accidentally put the wrong socks on this morning.

Score: 172

Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997? He was all righty then.

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New M C Jokes

No matter what vacuum cleaner you buy They all suck

Score: 15

I’m convinced girls from Tinder are haunted. They keep ghosting me.

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My Girlfriend thinks that I am childish My Girlfriend broke up with me.

She thinks that I am childish.

So I calmed down, took a deep breath, went to her house, rang the doorbell and ran away.

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I spent 15 years suffering from chronic procrastination.... And I still can't decide if I prefer sativa or indica.

P.s I am getting really annoyed by that persistent promoted post!

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I hated my job at the recycling plant, I was in charge of crushing aluminum cans It was soda pressing

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What do you call a gun made out of sodium chloride? A salt rifle.

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I’m canoeing in Sudan, not Egypt - my map must be wrong I guess I’m just in denial

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A mom caught her son jacking in the garage... ...she said to him, "Look son, I know you are at the age where you are curious and want to experiment with these kinds of things.... but please stop trying to remove the wheels of the car!"

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I'm currently studying the art of persuasion. I think you should too.

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I'm currently studying snails and slugs. It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.

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I heard the 3 out of 5 people suffer from cancer The other 2 must be enjoying it!

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What do you call a weapon made of sodium chloride? A salt rifle.

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I played chess with my friend from Central Europe. Czech mate.

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I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins... All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

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Budum dum crash If a drummer quits band, but comes back later, would there be repercussions?

Score: 49

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, it was just collecting dust at home anyway.

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All of my friends say I'm condescending... (That means I talk down to people.)

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Went to the doctors office today, turns out I'm colorblind... The diagnosis really came out of the green.

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I just flew back from Chernobyl And boy are my arms legs!

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How do you know if you have a high sperm count? If she has to chew before swallowing.

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It's a real-shame I failed my entry-level idiom class I came close, but no sugar.

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Why are Helium, Curium, and Barium called the medical isotopes? Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium.

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I keep having bad dreams about an ancient Egyptian mummy attacking me while I'm cooking. I call them my... Rameses kitchen nightmares.

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What did the baby corn say to mom corn? "Where's popcorn?"

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There is an ice cream called batman Just ice was served

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If a arm covered in tattoos is called a "sleeve", what do you call a full body covered in tattoos? A mistake.

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What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say to clients as they are leaving? Thanks for coming.

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"On the plus side, I am completely immune to flash-bang grenades" - probably Helen Keller

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AA meeting: "Hi I'm Chad and I've been sober for forty days" "Not in a row or anything, just total."

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How do you stop sausages from curling in the pan? You take away their little brooms.

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My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

Score: 23

Did you hear about the teen suicide figures throughout the Muslim community? It's exploded in the past few years

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People say I'm crazy, but I regularly see my therapist... It's a shame that she died years ago.

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Started dating a girl from calligraphy class. She wasn't my type.

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If olive oil is made from olives and coconut oil is made from coconut what is baby oil made from? Mineral oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Fragrance and false advertising.

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Hello and welcome to Pessimism club. Don't expect much, and you'll still be greatly disappointed.

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My Muslim co-worker brought a CD copy of the Quran into work today… He got really annoyed when I asked if I could burn a copy.

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I just found out i'm colorblind.. I'm shocked.. it totally came out of the purple

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I just found out I'm colorblind. I'm absolutely shocked! It came right out of the purple.

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What room can't a skeleton enter? The living room.

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Did you hear about that guy who died from crushing a Coke in a hydraulic press? It was soda-pressing.

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what did the Copper say to the sodium chloride couple? I'm taking you in for a salt

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Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put the wrong sock on in the morning.

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A scientist asked if I would let him clone me; I said no, but he made me anyway.

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So I'm in my hotel room, it's the middle of the afternoon, I'm completely naked—and the maid walks in ...finally.

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I went to a sarcasm convention. A girl came up to me and said, "What brings you here?"

I said, "My feet."

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I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer.. It was a suspended sentence

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Why did the emo swallow an alarm clock? So he could wake up inside.

Score: 137

My girl broke up with me, thinks I am childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and ran away..HA!

Score: 10

A young muslim couple go out hunting and shoot a monkey The woman asks, "Shall we eat him?"

The man replies, "No, that's haram, bae!"

Score: 28

I think I'm gonna fail my Women in Islam class The course covers everything

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Apple is going to release the first smart vacuum cleaner this year The first Apple product that doesn't suck

(not hating on apple or anything but i got this joke somewhere)

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What did the father say before he killed his child with a vacuum cleaner? Dyson

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I don’t mind that my wife thinks I’m crazy. I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.

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Does anyone want a vacuum cleaner? Mine's just gathering dust.

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"Hey man, the hot girl from class winked at me today!" "Really, bro?"

"Yeah, with both eyes too!"

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When I want to exercise, I wear my gym clothes... ...but when I want to wear something more formal, I wear my James clothes.

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My dog's got no legs, I call him cigarette ...... Because every night I take him out for a drag.

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A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

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I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.

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