Hilarious Nice Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Nice Jokes

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today in the kitchen she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try."

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My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans... I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

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I felt very lonely so I bought some stocks It's nice to have a bit of company.

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I was very lonely so I bought some shares. It's nice to have a bit of company.

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Nice Dad Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.

Son: Why did you do that?

Father: So you will not be bored there.

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What borders stupidity? Mexico & Canada

Edit: Wow, people can't take a joke....

Edit 2: Ayy nice flair

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My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size ... So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink.

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That's a nice ham you've got there... ... it'd be a shame if somebody put an 's' at the front and an 'e' at the end.

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My 7-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in China!"

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Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition.

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That’s a nice ham you’ve got there... It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end...

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Who wears a red suit, and knows if you are naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition

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How to be insulting A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 1896

Nice Legs.. A man goes to a bar and sees a 'larger' girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"
She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"
The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 1780

Didn't Snoop Dogg change his name? Or was Snoop Lyin'?

Edit: Just in case the king sees this, I got mad respect for you Dogg. Smoke weed everyday.

(His grandmother passed away recently, I'm just trying to be nice people.)

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How about an Indian joke? A nice Indian woman gets up mid-flight to the US and shouts "Is there a doctor here?"

A nice, serious guy approaches her quickly and tells her: "I am. What is the problem?"

She replies: "Do you want to meet my daughter?"

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What did 0 say to 8? -sigh-

“Nice belt.”

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That's a nice ham you have there It would be a shame if someone put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end...

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What is a nice guys' favorite cooking utensil? M'Ladle

*tips fedora*

Just kidding, it's his mom. He doesn't cook.

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My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

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I was banging this nice lady... I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every
day.

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Help! My husband's too controlling! Edit: No he's not, he's a really nice guy

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I just explained Google images to my mum... "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

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Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson I said, "Just for that you don't get any butter for a month." Today she killed a cockroach.

I said "Nice try."

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What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one.

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My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone.

That was nice of them to say.

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I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

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Sometimes when I feel lonely I buy some stocks Its nice to have a bit of company

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I like my women like I like my coffee I've never had coffee but it smells really nice

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Sauron is a great name It has a nice ring to it

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That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody... added an e.

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Modern day bullies be like: "Nice gender, did your mommy pick it out for you???"

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Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'? Son: What's a "dop ted"?

Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!

Son: Nice one, Dad.

Dad: I'm not your Dad.

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What My Girlfriend Thought on the First Four Dates 1) Good shirt.
2) Nice. A second good shirt.
3) OK, the first shirt again.
4) He has two shirts.

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Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

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My wife looked at herself in the mirror and said to me... 'All I see is a fat, ugly woman, can you say something nice about me to make me feel better'

'Of course' I replied 'Your eyesight is perfect'

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It's not nice to make fun of the obese... ...They have enough on their plate.

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I have a vegan girlfriend... and she's nice and all, but sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot

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New Nice Jokes

Today, I held a door open for a Clown. It was a nice Jester.

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I went out on a date with Bigfoot thinking he would be a nice guy. Yeti stood me up

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I met this really nice girl that seemed to like me a lot, but I just couldn´t get sexually atracted to her. I told her: "No hard feelings".

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Hold the door for a clown It's a nice jester

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Arthur: "That's a nice round table. Who built that?" Knight: "Sir Cumference"

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Yesterday, a clown held open the door for me. it was a nice jester.

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Sometimes i just sit & run my fingers thru my wife’s hair. It's a nice way to tell her i love her.

And also that we're outta napkins.

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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girlfriends hair... It's a nice to let her know I love her, but more importantly that we're out of napkins.

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A clown held the door for me today. I thought it was a nice jester.

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Wow, nice legs! A man goes to a bar and sees a fat girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

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A clown held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice jester.

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Women are like hurricane... ...when they're coming, they are nice and wet. When they're leaving, they take cars, houses...

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Nice ham you got there Would be a shame if you put it between an s and an e.

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Syria has a lot of nice reviews Everyone says they got blown away.

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My 9-year-old nephew showed me with pride the "Telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans.... I pulled out my cellphone and said, "That's nice, but look at what kids your age make in japan !"

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When is it ever ok to punch a midget? When he tells you your girl's hair smells nice

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I like my women how I like my coffee. I’ve never had coffee but it smells really nice.

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What did the sunburnt manatee say? Man a tee shirt would be nice

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My internet stopped working for some time so I went out of my room to see my family They were nice people

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That’s a nice ham you’ve got there… It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end…

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An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?' A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

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"With my sonic superpowers I shall call myself.... ...TINNITUS!"

"Tinnitus?"

"Yeah! Doesn't it have a nice ring to it?"

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That's a nice ham you got there. It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.

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So I met this nice girl the other day She said, she's gonna call me after work -- poor girl... She's been working for 72h now.

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Clown A clown opened a door for me... and I thought to myself... "what a nice jester"

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I went to a place in France last week It was nice.

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Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

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The wardens at my University were always so nice. They always leave little notes on my car complimenting me, like, "parking fine".

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I just found out my girlfriend faked her suicide. Not a nice way to leave me hanging.

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A clown held open a door for me today. I thought it was a nice jester.

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My Internet stopped working for 5 minutes. Met my parents.

They're nice people.

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I told my wife she would look sexier with her hair back. Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to a cancer patient.

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My grandma is kind of like the Chinese government. Visitors only see the nice china.

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Man walks into a bar with a salamander. The bartender says, "Nice lizard. What's its name?"

"I call him Tiny because he's my newt."

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Trying to talk to a gorgeous girl ME: \*tries to talk to a girl on train\*

GIRL: \*points to her headphones\*

ME: oh yeah, those are nice! so what's your name?

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Hey... Nice beard Thanks, it's growing on me

Sorry.

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I once worked in a helium factory It wasn't a very nice job, because of the leaks, but the owner was very sympathetic and we all spoke highly of her.

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What did the midget say to the gorgeous woman on a crowded elevator? Your hair smells nice.

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So a mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "We don't serve mushrooms here. You're always ruining jokes." The mushroom says "Come on. I'm a nice guy."

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That's a nice ham you've got there It would be a shame if someone put an S in front of it and an E behind it.

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I'm Devastated. After 7 years of medical training a good freind of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He Slept with one of his patients. He was a really nice guy, and a Brillant Vet

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When is it okay to kick a midget? When he compliments how nice your girlfriends hair smells.

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That's a nice shamrock you've got there. It would be a shame if someone replaced the -rock with an e.

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When do you smack a midget? When they say your hair smells nice.

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I was feeling lonely I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares.

It's nice to have some company.

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I'm sorry I said "nice phone" When you showed me a picture of your baby..

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Yesterday a clown held the door open for me I thought it was a nice jester

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When I feel like I have nobody to talk to... I call the NSA. They're really nice because they always listen.

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I took a vacation to a city in France. It was Nice.

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Women expose 90% of their body when wearing a bikini Men are nice enough to only look at the covered parts

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A 5-year-old sat next to a pregnant lady. Boy: Why is your tum-tum so huge?

Lady: Because I have a baby inside it.

Boy: Is it a nice baby?

Lady: It is a very nice healthy baby.

Boy: Then why did you eat it?

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Welcome to the plastic surgery addicts association, Nice to see a lot of new faces here today.

Score: 82

The lesbians next door asked me what I wanted for my birthday... I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.
It was very nice of them but I think they misunderstood me when I said:
"I wanna watch"

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Green Lantern That name has a nice ring to it

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My friend asked me how it felt to be able to say that i was married I said that "It has a nice ring to it"

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An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

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A man lost $100 bill Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

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What is Dracula's favorite pick-up line? Hey baby, nice jugulars.

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Just met a guy I saw this in one of my university facebook pages:
Just met a guy. Omg he was so fit. Handsome even. Never will I meet a guy like him again. Caring. Emotional. Nice. And his name is the first letter of each sentence.

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A clown held the door open for me today. It was a nice jester.

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