Contents
Contents
The police just pulled me over, he came up to my window and said, “papers?”
I said, “ Scissors, I win” and drove off.
I think he wants a re-match he’s been chasing me for 45 minutes.
My girlfriend always takes long showers after watching movies starring Chris Pratt I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.
TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
3 guys are on a boat and they have 4 cigarettes but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Why are circumsized penises so popular among Jewish girls?
They love anything that's 15% off
Just a joke lol
The show COPS has been dropped from broadcast honoring the longstanding tradition of police turning off their cameras.
I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.
My son came home as I was taking his door off it’s hinges and asked “Dad what are you doing?” “We’ve updated our privacy policy”
Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat
Then I remember they feed off of attention.
EDIT 1: This blew up quick thanks guys :D
EDUT 2: When I typed edit 1 it had 500 upvotes now im waking up to 29K upvotes thanks eveyone :D
I got pulled over by the police ...
He came to the window and said papers ...
I said - scissors, I win - and drove off
He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!
I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
I pissed off two people today by calling them hipsters. Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.
A girl walks into a dry cleaner She drops off her dress and turns to leave. The owner says, "Come again!". She says, "No it was toothpaste this time."
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water. Schwepped her off her feet.
I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person
How do you get an art major off your front porch? Pay for the pizza!
Why do Jews get Circumcised? Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off
I bought a box of condoms earlier today The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.
Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off
My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.
What's the difference between a pizza and a hippy chick? You don't peel the crust off the pizza before you eat it
How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
A cat walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."
My least favorite color is purple. I hate it more than red and blue combined.
How do you piss off a female archeologist? Find a used tampon and ask her what period it's from.
Post Malone Has Started His Own Student Loan Service in an Attempt to Lift the Burden Off of New Graduates It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"
I've never really understood it why would you become an Islamic suicide bomber on the off-chance you might get 72 virgins when you die. Become a Catholic priest and get them now.
It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes.
What do you call an Irish man bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off... I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you
What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?
They both contain high amounts of trans fats.
Edit: Omg guys! I didn't expect this to take off this much, thanks guys!
The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!"
It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"
Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…
My girlfriend told me that she wanted to be treated like a princess... So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France
1990 Grandpa: "Get off my lawn, you little brats!" 2048 Grandpa: "Get off my LAN faggots"
I was forced to swallow purple food color. I feel violated.
My girlfriend came home and told me to take off her shirt so I did Then she told me to take off her skirt so I did. Then she told me to take off her bra and panties so I did. Then she told me to never wear her things again
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem
He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."
Why did Donald Trump rush to Macy's? He heard they had Ivanka's clothes half off
I was about to smoke weed with a couple cute Mexican girls... I asked them if they had papers. They immediately ran off.
Luke: "Are you sure we are flying in the right direction?" Yoda: "Off course, we are!"
I was disappointed to find out a vasectomy doesn’t prevent you from getting your wife pregnant. It just changes the color of the baby. :(
A man tries for a job as a blacksmith
"Do you have any experience in horseshoeing?"
"No, but I once told a donkey to f**k off."
What sound does an airplane make when it bounces off the ground? Boeing.
Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school... ...never to be heard from again.
Dear people who don’t write capital letters, We’re the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
Q: What do Cowboys fans do after they win the Super Bowl? A: Turn off the XBox.
A lot of my friends tell me I'd look good in a straitjacket But I don't think I could pull if off
Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn't the other? He was a little more on.
Did you hear the department of transportation is laying off thousands of workers? They invented a shovel that stands up by itself.
What did the physicist say to the man who was about to jump off a building? "Don't do it! You have so much potential."
A Blonde Crashes a helicopter A passerby jumps out and rushes up to her and exclaims,"What happened!?". She explains,"It got cold so I turned off the fan".
Two blondes are going to Disney Land
At the turn off, they see a sign saying "Disneyland left"
They went home crying.
My physics teacher told me I had potential. Then he pushed me off the roof.
Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
Due to the recession and to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
Michael Jackson should have opened a clothing line for pants.
He could have called it Billie Jeans.
Those prices are THRILLER!
No one can BEAT IT!
Kids pants would be half off there.
I had vasectomy so my wife wouldn't get pregnant... But apparently all it does is change the color of your baby
Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's only when you put her in the trunk that she starts to freak out.
Today I decided to take the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him move faster... If anything he seems more sluggish!
I can't wait to get home and rip off my girlfriends panties, they're really starting to chaffe my thighs.
I had a vasectomy. Did you know that it actually doesn't prevent your wife from getting pregnant it just changes the color of the baby. Or at least that's what my mailman said.
A goat, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff. Bah dum tss!
Remember when radical extremists were just kids pulling sick stunts off on their skateboards? Gnarly.
Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.
When a deaf girl jacks you off It's technically oral
A blonde crashes a helicopter... A police officer drives by and exclaims, "What happened!?". She says, "It was getting cold so I turned off the fan".
I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night...
The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."
I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"
Today I saw this absolutely stunning color that I've never seen before! It was indescribable, but when I blinked, it disappeared. I guess it was just a pigment of my imagination.
I hopped in a cab after work and said to the cabbie
"My wife won't put out any more. Take me somewhere I can get an easy chick that won't say no"
10 minutes later he dropped me off at my house and said
"Just tell her Larry sent you"
Han Solo : Yoda, are you sure we're going in the right direction? Yoda : Off course we are.
If your girlfriend's dad ever angrily asks "where do you get off" "In your daughter" is the wrong answer
If abortion is murder Is jerking off genocide?
I see you have turned Autocorrect off.
I also like to lige dargejonsly.
I see you have turned Autocorrect back on.
I also like to lube degenerates.
If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife… Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
It was very difficult to switch off my wife's life support system.
You try fighting off 2 nurses, a doctor and my sons.
Edit: changed the quantity of sons.
I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant..... Turns out it just changes the color of the baby.
I just made my new wrestling name. My name is Off In Church... Because no one beats off in church
My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess So I married her off to a stranger twice her age to strengthen my alliance with France.
I played my wedding video backwards today. It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.
Where do animals go when their tails fall off? Retail store. I know I'm lame.
If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife... Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?
A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem...
He says,"Give me 2 shots..."
The bartender cuts him off and says,"You only get 1 shot."
Star wars joke
Han solo: Yoda are we going the right way?
Yoda: Off course we are
Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight:
1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket
-Dan Regan
Why are all Jewish men circumsized? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that isn't 10% off
My son was kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off. I said, "Son, that's the third school this year..." "Maybe teaching isn't for you."
I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push… He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.
A teacher told her first grade class, "A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!" A little girl gasped, "How about the married ones?"
Girl, you must be a trash can... Because I want to take off your top and stick my junk in you.
I keep falling off my bike. It's a vicious cycle.
When I get home im going to tear my wife's bra right off The straps are killing me
Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.
A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator...
And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks...
Luke: are we on track?
Yoda: off course, we are.
I hate it when homeless shake their cups with change in them I know you have more money than me, stop showing off.
The police arrested 2 kids today
One was eating batteries and the second was eating fireworks
They charged the first one and let the other off
A whale and a wave make a bet. (Just made this up.) The whale says to the wave, "I bet I could beat in a race to land." The wave agrees, so the whale takes off. He swims so fast, he drives himself ashore. The wave following behind him says " Hah! Beached ya!"
"Yoda, are we on the right track?" "Off course, we are."
My black friend asked me where to find the color copier I said it's 2015 and he can use whatever copier he wants to
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