Hilarious Pain Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Pain Jokes

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

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Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain... In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support...

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My wife screamed in pain during labor... "What's wrong, honey?" I asked.

"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"

Score: 4924

Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support.

Score: 4778

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea" Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Score: 2200

My wife recommended I do some light reading to relax at the end of the day... Not really relaxing, as my eyes are in pain, but I managed to make out, "60 Watts - Made in China."

Score: 856

I've decided to go on the "England World Cup Diet" It only lasts 5 days and you lose loads!

(England fan here using humour to cope with the pain...)

Score: 843

I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she replied, “No!” I said, “How about now?”

Score: 757

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

Score: 755

I’m in favour of a bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medical marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritic pain. In other words, I’m for joint support for joint support for joint support.

Score: 728

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain. Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Score: 157

Pain. Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…

“What operation are you having done?”

“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”

“Circumcision”

“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn’t walk for a year”

Score: 118

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery... Now I'm in a world of pain.

Score: 105

When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.

It must have been the delivery.

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I met a Jewish girl and she asked me for my number. Had to explain to her that we use names here. It was a pain.

Score: 84

The baby Woman at a maternity hospital is in a lot of pain, moaning. The man strokes her back, “I’m so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this…”

“Don’t worry Steve, it’s not your fault.”

Score: 82

When you are dead you don't know you're dead. All of the pain is felt by others The same thing happens when you are stupid

Score: 76

A man, crying in pain, complains to the dentist “It feels like my left jaw is possessed by the devil!” “Oh! Then eat right and exorcise”

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Doctors say they found a food that causes years of pain and suffering after its eaten... It's called wedding cake

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A doctor's appointment A man goes to the doctor complaining about back pain and the doctor notices the man's terrible posture.

"Do you have any ideas as to why you have such awful posture?" asks the doctor.

"Well", replies the man, "I've got a hunch."

Score: 58

What's the difference between a feminist and a dentist's drill? One causes a lot of pain and makes a constant high pitched whine. The other is a useful piece of medical equipment.

Score: 57

Did you hear that they make a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain? It’s a site for sore eyes.

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Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years? In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.

Score: 53

Why is it so hard for programmers to get a prescription for pain killers? They have a history with codeine.

Score: 51

Visiting dad on his death bed... [Visiting father on death bed] "Dad, I'm sorry for the pain I caused you. "

*Dad struggling to talk* "Hi sorry for the pain I caused you, I'm Dad."

Score: 42

How do computers measure pain? Gigahurts.

(Came up with this in the car on my way to school hopefully its original)

Score: 42

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked me, "Do you ever get a shooting pain in your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Concerned, I said, "No"

She responded "How about now?!"

Score: 33

Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies!

Edit: thanks for the upvote! This is the worst joke I know, and it has plagued my brain for decades. Time to share the pain.

Score: 30

Another blonde joke A blonde tells her husband 'I've been thinking'

He replies 'Take two aspirin, the pain will clear right up'.

Score: 27

What is the motto of a french baker? no pain no gain

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Chuck Norris got bitten by a King Cobra And after 5 agonizing days of pain.

The cobra died

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I decided to try the ancient Chinese practice of using needles to get rid of back pain… The heroin worked a treat for me.

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I was having a lot of back pain in Egypt So I called the cairopractor

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LPT: Dont buy French bread You will get nothing but Pain

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Got too much pain from watching Power Rangers Guess it's morphine time...

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How does a baguette fight end? With a lot of pain.

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Patient vs Doctor Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

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To ease the pain of a mother Crying at her Husbands funeral I said "At least he died doing what he Loves" Too bad he was a Drug Addict

Score: 14

I mentioned my back pain to my dad in passing today. His reply? "At least it's all behind you."

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New Pain Jokes

Son to his Dad after loosing virginity. Son: Dad! I just lost my virginity.
Dad: Grand Son we should celebrate.

( 2 hrs after heavy partying)

Son: I just have one question dad.
Dad: Yeahhh! What's that.
Son:For how long is it gonna pain in my Arsehole...........?

Score: 0

A passenger aboard a quarantined vessel was experiencing severe tooth pain. Unfortunately the only “doctor” on board was a man with a doctorate in mathematics. But he gave it his best... ...and peformed a primitive root canal.

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My wrist was in so much pain after I kept on doing my up and down motion in the shower But it's worth it to keep my teeth shiny and clean

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I had an awful pain in but so I went to the doctor turned everythings swell I only had a hernia. So glad to have got to the bottom of it.

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Why do Canadian School Teachers bring pain killers before teaching the alphabet? Because E is always sore

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Being a french baker must be horrible All you do is feel pain everyday

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I'm pretty excited I had my first chiropractic patient today! He was complaining about neck pain, but he liked the following adjustment so much he's been asleep for the past 4 hours!

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Why is pregnancy not the worst pain known to man? Because men don't give birth.

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I heard about a woman at work today who is taking medication to help releave inner vaginal pain. I wanted to make jokes but it was inappropriate so it was very painful to keep it inside Just like it is for her

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What do you call a button which makes Jews feel pain? An ow switch

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A man goes to a doctor complainimg of pain in the eye everytime he drank coffee. The Doctor replied, 'Next time take the spoon out before you drink'.

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It's no surprise that the French surrendered to the Germans When even your bread is pain, you want as little as possible.

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If I own a bakery in France... am I the master of pain?

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The Cleveland Browns visited an orphanage last week after their loss. "It was so sad to see all the pain and hurt in their eyes." Said Katie, age 7.

Score: 5

My girlfriend was crying because of a pain around the belly I told her she is ovary acting.

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Inspiration to look up to Sir Isaac Newton was only 23 when he discovered the law of gravity.
T-pain was only 22 when he rhymed mansion with wiscansin.

Score: 5

Stop the pain... Love yourself. then wash your hands.

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kissed by a vampire? Q: What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
A: It’s a pain in the neck.

Score: 4

A man walks into a bar And he yells in pain.

Score: 3

Just rubbed my eyes after cutting some jalapeños I have hella pain, yo.

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Fear of hospitals Fear of hospitals isn't irrational. I went to 1 once for stomach pain and I had a kid following me ever since calling me mom!

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I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot. It caused immense pain to ma toes.

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Volleyball injury Last night on ESPN I was watching Women's beach volleyball. About three minutes into the game, there was a really bad wrist injury. The doctor prescribed me pain killers and said I should be fine in a few days though.

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French people are badass They eat pain for breakfast

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What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.

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Did you hear about the French man who fell into a bread machine? They say he's in pain.

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Whiplash is so annoying It's a real pain in the neck.

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What's it like being a French baker? It's a pain.

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The new dentist had a "half price, no pain" special, so I went in... It hurt so much that I had to pay full price.

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My friend and I were talking on the phone the other day and she was complaining about her period Her: MY UTERUS HURTS

Me: WTF Why?

Her: CAUSE OF MY PERIOD

Me: oh

Her: I WANT ICE CREAM

Me: so go get some

Her: I'M IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO GET UP

Me: man, what a vicious cycle

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Hank Hill should become a wrestler. He's all about pro-pain.

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Why didn't Daracula have many friends? Because he was a pain in the neck

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A dentist warns his patient... Dentist: Be advised: this will hurt a lot!
Patient: Nahh don't worry. I can deal with pain very well.
Dentist: I have an affair with your wife since 2009...

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Relationships are either like eating pizza all the time or crippling diarrhea. You either end up fat and out of shape, or doubled over in crippling pain desperately wiping away what's left when it finally ends.

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I've had a weak back for a while now doc Doctor: when did you first start experiencing pain?

Me: about a week back.

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What do you call sitting on milk and breaking your phone? ~~something that would never happen~~
**"A pain in the dairy-error"**

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The French always say life is pain, but I know better... Bread is pain.

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TIL why coal production has drastically slowed down within the past 10 years It is believed the labor involved in this risky job was causing miner pain.

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I've had some pain in my stomach ever since I ate those Radiohead and Arctic Monkeys CDs. I think I've got indiegestion.

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1 and 1000 got high and shot each other in the arms 1000 cried in pain. 1 was ok because he was a little number.

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What does Captain Jack Sparrow do when he has back pain? Pilates of the Caribbean.

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No girl, No pain Know girl, know pain

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I've always been terrible at Karate, so my Sensei told me "Wax on, Wax off." I'm now in burning pain, but my chest is *spotless.*

What does this have to do with Karate?

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My father has had clocks thrown at him all his life. Though he's in a great deal of pain, it's nice that he's stood the test of time.

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"Doc, every time I drink chocolate milk, I get an awful pain in my left eye" "Take the spoon out"

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A patient tell the doctor "I can't stand the pain"... The doctor replies, "I know I amputated your legs."

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Bill Clinton is not a rapist. He just likes to "feel your pain".

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What dinosaur was in the most pain? the tyranno-sorest rex

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Why did Hank Hill join an S&M club? He heard they were Pro-Pain.

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My Life and the pit of death What the difference between my life and the pit of death?

One's a dark, never ending shithole of hopelessness, immense pain and unbearable despair and the other is a well in Sparta.

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What do you call painful constipation? Excretiating pain

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What do mathematicians drink? Anything to ease the pain.

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Doctor says I need to see a chiropractor for my back pain... I said "Are you nuts? I don't have time to go to Egypt!"

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