Hilarious Pick Up Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Pick Up Jokes

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Score: 9999

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I rang the wife last night after work to say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home. I was met with a stoney silence. Something tells me that she's beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

Score: 724

Wife: "Can you pick up milk?" Me: *lifts gallon*

"Yeah, it's easy."

Wife: "I mean from the store."

Me: "I'd imagine it weighs the same there too"

Score: 696

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping .. ...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Score: 633

What is the best way to pick up American girls? With a crane.

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A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

Score: 359

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines... They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.

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Fish and chips I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just put the phone down on me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

Score: 187

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A Woman

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I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence. I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A woman

EDIT: Grammar

Score: 117

Everything I pick up, I drop. The situation is getting out of hand.

Score: 111

How did German men pick up Jewish women in the 1940s? With a dustpan and broom.

Score: 102

Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic.. Girls, if you agree message me your number so we can talk about it.

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I phoned my wife earlier. "I'm just setting off from work, do you want me to pick up fish and chips on my way home?" It was met with a stony silence... I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

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What's your favorite pick up line? Mine is the Ford F Series.

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What's easier to pick up the heavier it is? A girl.

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What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women

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What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women.

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The best pick up advice I've ever been told is.. ..always bend your knees.

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I went to the shop to pick up 8 cans of sprite But when I got home I relised I only picked 7up

Score: 54

A programmer’s wife sends him to the store and says “get some bread, and while you’re there pick up some eggs.”

The programmer never returns.

Score: 54

How do you pick up an elephant with one hand? You can't, there are no elephants with one arm

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Jake went over to pick up his girlfriend to go on a date. When he found her naked, he asked why.
"Well, because I don't have any dresses to wear!"
"Sure you do," Jake replied, opening her closet. "Here's a blue one, a red one, a green one- oh, hi Francis- a yellow one..."

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When I get heavier, I am actually easier to pick up. What am I? A woman

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How do you pick up a suicide bomber? With a dustpan

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Did you know that taxis in Germany can only pick up customers on special side streets? They're called Deutschland Uber alleys.

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What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women! *ba dum tssh*

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Today I tried to pick up a girl by telling her I was invisible. She saw right through me.

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I told my friend we should go out and pick up some chicks He asked, "What about your wife?"

I replied "Nah, she's married"

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Q: What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women.

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Wife:Do you need anything at the grocery store? Me: pick up 30 bottles of minute maid

Wife: why so many?

Me: didn't you hear the news? O.J. is free!

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A good book is like a puppy Easy to pick up, hard to put down

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I phoned the wife last night and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!

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A good book is like a cute puppy... ...easy to pick up, hard to put down.

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What's the difference between me and a tornado? A tornado can pick up girls

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My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes. He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

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My girl wants to travel so bad I told her to pick up a basketball and take three step

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New Pick Up Jokes

I went to pick up the bag of horse hair I had ordered Shopkeeper: we are out of horse hair but I do have this nice bag of prevaricating goose feathers
Me: I ordered horse hair. I am *not* taking this lying down!

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i bought 3 pickup trucks and lined them up on the side of road, then i went up to a girl and said,

"hey, that's my pick up line"

Score: 5

I was working the counter at Dominos and three midgets came in to pick up orders. I thought they'd prefer Little Caesars.

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Why did the rich man try to pick up girls in the anorexia ward? He wanted atrophy wife.

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Jokes that would make no sense to kids today. I'm so lonely that I call Time and Temperature just to hear a woman's voice.

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"Dad, why won't my magnet pick up this floppy disk?"

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What old jokes do you know that younger folks wouldn't understand?

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You can always make Hindu jokes and get away with it. To be honest, it is very difficult to pick up a fight with a Hindu cuz they got no beef.

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You can always makes hindu jokes and get away with it. To be honest, it is very difficult to pick up a fight with a hindu Cuz they got no beef.

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A woman asked her programmer husband to go and pick up some bread, and if there were eggs, to get a dozen. So he came home with 12 loaves of bread.

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Did you pick up a disease at the Vietnamese place? Because Pho Cough.

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Why is Black Friday the best time for you to pick up girls? Because girls are already bargain hunting.

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My favorite pick up line With you I feel like a stud, I was just an STD before

(Also the reason I am still single)

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You know my pick up line? Ow my back!

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I went to the bar to pick up some girls They were pretty heavy

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So I recently got fired from my job at the library Apparently books about how to pick up women don't belong in the fantasy section.

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I used to go to bars to pick up girls in the 90s... ...then I thought I should aim closer to my age

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I'm bad at reading social cues, can't make eye contact, am really good at drawing, and don't pick up on sarcasm... I think I might be artistic.

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How did the farmer plan to pick up the hot girl at the bar? A tractor

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Why do a Jew, an Italian, and a redneck go to stripclubs? The Jew goes to pick up the rent.

The Italian goes to pick up his protection money.

The redneck goes to pick up his daughter.

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A Good Book is Just Like a Puppy. Easy to Pick up, but hard to put down.

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Where do guys from Alabama pick up girls? The family reunion.

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Where do bakers pick up their hookers? The breadlight district

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Whenever I feel like Travelling I pick up a Basketball and take 3 steps

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My Girlfriend told me that she wanted to travel... I told her to pick up a Basketball and take 3 steps forward.

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I always get my dates at midget strip clubs Those girls are the easiest to pick up

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Japan worked well for my weight loss. Can't even pick up my food.

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What do you call a Chinese dude that goes to church to pick up chicks? A true prayer

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I worked on a farm for 5 years so I used Farmersonly.com You didn't even need a pick up line, just a pick up truck

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Why do they use powdered soap in the navy? Because it takes longer to pick up.

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I realized I absolutely can't pick up girls at the bar... They're either too heavy or I'm too drunk...

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I have a new pick up line. It's "ford tough."

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Sometimes I just want to pick up a dwarf and start twirling them around. Then I'd have my very own midget spinner.

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What's the worst way to pick up chicks? By the nipples.

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What's the best way to pick up a woman? Like a bowling ball.

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What should Tony Stark use to update his android friend, who is worthy enough to pick up Mjolnir? Vitamin A, because it improves Vision.

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A man told his wife he was going grocery shopping... ...and she said "Pick up a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The man gets back with twelve gallons of milk and said "They had eggs".

*Credit to whoever posted this in that askreddit thread*

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My favourite pick up lines Is your body from McDonald’s? Cause I’m loving it!

Can I follow you? Cause my mom told me to follow my dreams

I should call you Google, because you have everything I’m looking for.

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Use culminate in a sentence Guy hitting on girl.
Guy: Hi I'm Nathan, but you can culminate. Here's my number, if I don't pick up, you can just always culminator

Score: 8

195 Countries go to a restaurant... But none of them could pick up the Czech.

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What's the difference between water and babies You can't use a fork to pick up the water

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My wife told me,"run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." I came home with 12 loaves of bread.

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What do the Ramones say when they pick up a prostitute? Hey! Ho! Let's go!

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1st day in prison, was a bit scared, but the guys have said I can have a job already Apparently I pick up bars of soap in the shower, I start tomorrow, wish me luck.

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A guy tries to pick up chix at a anorexic and skin condition support group. He's disappointed... It was slim pickins.

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My wife asked me to go down to the shop to pick up six cans of sprite... When I got to the checkout I realized I accidentally picked 7-up.

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How does a woman pick up Donald Trump? With a pooper-scooper.

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The programmer's wife tells her husband: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

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What kind of ducks are easiest to pick up? Quack whores

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Where does a guy from Arkansas go to pick up girls? Family reunions.

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I saw a woman pick up her kids by the hair That raised a few eyebrows

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How do you pick up my ex girlfriend? With a broom and a dustpan.

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So a Muslim man walks into an elementary school... To pick up his wives

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How do you pick up a fat chick? Piece of cake.

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The worst pick up line I ever thought of... 'If I told you Voldemort hid a Horcrux in your sphincter would you let me destroy it? ;)'

Still single for now...

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Why is becoming a male cheerleader so awesome? It's a great way to pick up chicks.

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How do German guys pick up Jewish girls? With a dustpan!

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Before we left the room, our teacher told us all to pick up at least one piece of trash on our way out. So as I walked out the classroom, I looked at her and said "Hey baby, here's my number, call me."

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My girlfriend is not allowed to go on vacation. If she wants to travel she better pick up a basketball and start walking around the house!

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What do women and dog poo have in common? The older they are, the easier they get to pick up.

(compliments of BloodHoundGang's "3.14")

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Just a quick, bad pick up line! Hey girl, are you a tube of Pringles? Because my whole fist is stuck inside of you!

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You know a great place to pick up chicks? An abortion clinic. You know they put out, and you don't have to worry about a kid.

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