Hilarious Positive Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Positive Jokes

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him

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What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she’s HIV Positive? Try to act surprised

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What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive Trying to act surprised.

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Got called in for a drug test at work... They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

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With all the negativity in the world today... ...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

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My girlfriend and I planned to commit suicide together... ... But once she killed herself, things started looking a lot more positive.

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Why was the Pepsi employee fired? He tested positive for coke.

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To this day, my bully that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the positive side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

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My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.

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What's the most positive thing about Africa? HIV.

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Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID. It always says “B positive”.

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Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television... because it was easier than making phone calls?

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Obvious media bias Michelle Obama gives a speech when her husband is being nominated, and the media is generally positive. Melania Trump gives the exact same speech, and the media pretends it's some kind of scandal.

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Why did the Pepsi executive get fired? He tested positive for Coke.

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I'm positive I lost an electron... ...better keep an ion that.

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My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

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What blood type do happy people have? B Positive.

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My dad died recently. Hewas in an accident and lost a lot of blood bu tnobody knew his blood-type.
I’ll never forget his inspirational last words, “Be positive”.

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I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic. Everybody is so positive.

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How to always stay positive in life: | life |

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I'll never forget my dad's last words... He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

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What's the hardest part about an ex saying they're HIV positive? Trying to act surprised

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My friend died because we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he was dying, he kept saying “be positive” but it’s so hard without him.

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My dad died this day last year because we didn’t know his blood type to get a transfusion.. As he was dying he kept saying “be positive” but it was just so hard without him :/

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/r/jokes, I have a belief that EVERYTHING bad or upsetting can be improved with humor. Do you have any chemotherapy jokes for me? I am a 15yo guy, she is a 17yo girl who has a nonsmokers lung cancer. Any positive or uplifting jokes will be appreciated.

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Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke.

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Two atoms walk into a bar. The first one turns to the other and says "I think I've lost an electron!"

The second one goes "Are you sure?"

To which the first one replies "I'm positive."

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I got called pretty today... well actually the full statement was "you're pretty dumb" but I'm only focusing on the positive things today

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I heard that, while a double negative makes a positive, a double positive doesn't make a negative... Yeah right.

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I just got fired from my job at the Pepsi factory... I tested positive for Coke.

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What's the worst advice to give someone with HIV? Stay positive

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One atom says to another atom "Dude! I lost all my valence electrons!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive!"

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What's the worst advice you can give someone with HIV? Stay positive.

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Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity. "I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?

Edit: to be funnier.

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I was pretty sure my girlfriend didn’t have AIDS... but now I’m positive.

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Why was the pepsi worker fired? He tested positive for coke!

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My dad died yesterday when no one remembered his blood type. He kept telling us to 'be positive' but it's hard without him.

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I wish I had HIV So I would at least have one positive thing in my life

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My bloodtype is really disappointing. My doctor keeps saying "be positive".

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New Positive Jokes

At least something is positive this week. Trump

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I always felt bad for those living with HIV until I met someone who had it They seemed positive enough

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My great uncle died in the hospital because they didn’t know his blood type He held my hand through it all and said “Be positive”

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My doctor the other day told me I have hiv Me: are you positive?
Doctor: no you are

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It's great when battery positive terminals are marked. It's a real plus.

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Pepsi just fired their CEO For testing positive for coke.

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Did you hear about the guy who is surrounded by positive people at his workplace? Yeah. He really hates his job at the HIV clinic. He is such a negative moron.

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My test results for Herpes came in the mail today. Finally, some positive news!

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What’s the only positive about living in the hood? HIV

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What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she is HIV positive? Tell her this is a crappy repost, and ask her to come up with some better material.

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Good news: New HIV Infection Rates Falling Dramatically in Africa. Bad news: Because everyone is positive now.

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Why does Magic Johnson love the life he lives? Because he went from Negative to Positive.

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Cinderella was waiting for her christmas photos to be sent in the mail. Even though they were very late she stayed positive, thinking: ‘One day my prints will come’.

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Two atoms are in a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.' The other asks, 'Are you sure?' To which the first replies, 'I'm positive.

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I got called pretty yesterday and it felt good! Actually, the full sentence was "You're pretty annoying." but I'm choosing to focus on the positive.

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I think i've lost an Electron In fact, i'm positive.

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A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to police station to file missing electron report. He was questioned by Police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
"I'm Positive." replied the atom.

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My father passed away last night because we couldn't remember his blood type... ...As he lay there dying he kept on insisting us to 'be positive', but it's really hard without him.

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What's the difference between a proton and a human? A proton is always positive.

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Our dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type at the hospital. As he was dying, he kept insisting for us to "Be Positive!" - but it's so hard without him...

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Someone told me I looked sad. In an effort to cheer me up he asked me to name one thing that was positive in my life. My answer? HIV.

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A Pepsi employee was fired today He tested positive for coke.

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I like to be positive Even though I'm unemployed and recently got evicted, I could still destroy Stephen Hawking in a 100m dash.

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I wanted to become an airline pilot, but do you want to know what I became? HIV positive

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Being dyslexic hasn't stopped me from having a positive outlook on life.. Because when life gives you melons, make melonade.

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What's the difference between my Wife and a Battery? The Battery has a Positive side

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What is positive about beeing blonde? You are allowed to park your car in the disabled spot

(Dont know if it have been done before, no energy to scroll through the endless thread)

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Did you hear the price of balloons is going to increase? I blame it on inflation. But on the positive side, sales are supposed to go up!

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A positive ion stole an electron yesterday. He got away with no charge.

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What blood type do optimists usually have? B positive

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Hospitals Place where positive means a bad news.

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What's the difference between a seal and a sealion? A seal is neutral but a seal ion has a positive or negative charge

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With all this negative talk about Africa I thought I would mention something positive about the people there... Their AIDS test results

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Did you hear that Mia Khalifa has HIV? Finally doing something positive with her life.

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Well, there's a least one positive thing about moving to San Francisco... Your partner.

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A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face.... The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"

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Why do the Autobots have a positive outlook on the future? Because their leader is Optimist Prime.

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Double positives One day, during a lesson at the community college, the professor is explaining how a double negative will always be positive but a double positive can never be negative.

To which his student replies "yeah right"

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An electron and a proton are walking down the street... When the proton falls over.
The electron says "Are you ok?"
The proton says "yeah"
The electron says "are you sure?"
And the proton says "yeah, I'm positive!"

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Electron walks into a bar, bartender says what'll you have? Electron says, "I'm not positive, how about something that excites me.?

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Why I'm always happy? It's in my blood.. My blood type is B-positive.

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Molecule 1: I just lost an electron. Molecule 2: Are you sure?
Molecule 1: I’m positive.

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A Navy captain and his first mate are looking through their telescopes. The first mate claims he can see beautiful island sands in the east.

"Are you positive?" Asks the captain.

"Pretty shore" replies the first mate.

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A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong.

The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space.

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At this point... AIDS is worried about testing positive for Trump.

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Two guys sit at a bar... One says to the other "I've got really bad news."

"What is it?", the friend replies.

"I'm HIV positive".

"Really?!, that's terrible. Is there anything I can do?".

"Yea, can you tell your wife as soon as you get home".

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What do you say to an angry heart? Ay, be positive.

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Two atoms were hanging out... One atom says to the other "I am about to lose an electron!"

The other atom asks "Are you sure?"

The first repies "I am positive."

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What do the negative ion and the positive ion have in common? They're both in favor of net neutrality!

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Think about something positive! What's the first thing that comes to your mind? My HIV test.

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My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive... which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic

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Studies show that one in two and a half men are HIV Positive You can thank Charlie Sheen for that

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Joke my scinence teacher dropped on us A lithium atom walked into a bar and said

"Hey I think I left some electrons in here last night, have you seen any?"

The bar tender replied, "No, are you sure you lost them?"

The lithium atom replied "Yes I'm positive..."

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Several years ago, Charlie Sheen said "I'm Winning" ...even now he's still remaining positive!

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I went to the doctor to know what my blood type is He said my blood type is AB
and I said, "Positive?"
then he said, "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

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I am a proton held at rest next to a plate with a high positive charge in a uniform electric field I have a lot of potential but I'm not doing any work.

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My doctor asked if I was happy with my blood test results... I told him it was definitely a positive so I don't wanna b negative

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What do you call a psychologist who works with the police? Positive reinforcement

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Two atoms bump into each other, and become stuck. "Oh, no," said the first atom. "We're going to be stuck like this forever!"

"It'll be okay. Try not to be so negative! Think positive for a second."

The first atom thought real hard, and the two flew apart.

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One atom bumped into another atom, And said, "hey I just lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?" Asks the other atom.

"Yes, I'm positive!"

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