Psychologist Jokes

My psychologist told me: "Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

What did the woman with dissociative identity disorder tell her psychologist? "Let me be Frank with you."

I told my psychologist that I have suicidal tendencies. He started charging in advance.

Testing the dog's IQ A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ.

Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is definitely smarter than you.

I went to a child psychologist once. He was rubbish. He was only seven.

A man walks into a psychologists office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap all over his body. The psychologist says, “well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

A man walks into a psychologist's office.. A man walks into a psychologist's office wrapped head to toe in transparent cellophane...

The psychologist takes one look at him and says, 'I can clearly see your nuts.'

I knew I was destined to be a psychologist not a magician... ...when I pulled a habit out of a rat.

My favorite prostitute told me she was a licensed psychologist... Blew my mind.

What's the difference between a magician and a psychologist? A magician makes rabbits appear in hats, while a psychologist makes habits appear in rats.

My Psychologist told me my narcissism could cause me to misread social situations but i'm pretty sure she was just hitting on me.

I just found out that my psychologist is also a prostitute. Totally blew my mind.

Why can't you hear a psychologist go to the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.

How to test your dog's IQ A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

I told the psychologist, "Sure, my sense of chronology is fine!" Then I knocked on his door and went into his room.

Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro... Alonzo visits Doctor Pedro.

Alonzo: "Doctor, doctor, I see blue elephants everywhere."

Pedro: "Have you seen a psychologist yet?"

Alonzo: "No, just blue elephants."

Interviewer: Why should we hire you as a reverse psychologist? Me: You shouldn't.

A men calls the hotel reception He tells the manager, "I need help, my ex-wife is trying to jump out of the window", the manager replies "Do you want me to send a psychologist?", the men says "No, send the janitor, the window is stuck!"

A psychologist asked his client what was troubling him. "Well, doc, I think I can see into the future."

"Into the future?" the doctor said, intrigued. "When did this start?"

"Next Monday."

A man goes in to talk to his psychologist. A man says to his psychologist, "I keep dreaming that I'm a sadistic, necrophiliac zoophile. Should I be worried, or am I just beating a dead horse?"

My psychologist says I have trouble identifying my emotions Not quite sure how I feel about it

My psychologist says I have an obsession with vengeance We'll see about that

What do you call a psychologist's clothes? Shrinkwrap

A man is worried he has Dementia So he goes online and finds this really good psychologist and makes an appointment.
When he goes in for the appointment the lady behind the counter says "Hi Mr. Sturr, the usual?"

Did you hear about that psychologist’s awesome speech last night? It was amazing! The crowd was really eating it up. Everyone was going absolutely sane.

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician? A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

What do the psychologist and the hooker say to each other after they spend the night together? "That will be $150 please."

"Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?" asked the psychologist. "I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on." he replied.

"And why do you think that is, Matt?"

A man walks in to a psychologist's office wearing nothing but Saran wrap Psychologist: "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts"

As a child, I wanted to be a psychologist. But my parents told me, "We're a-Freud you're too Jung for that."

My psychologist diagnosed me with ADD At least I think that's what she was saying.

What did the messed up psychologist have for dinner? Freud rice.

I got sent to see the school psychologist When I asked why he showed me the petition.

There was a very angry bodybuilder psychologist He had Freud rage

My psychologist told me.... My psychologist told me to stop being so narcissistic and surround myself with great people.


So I installed mirrors all over my house.

psychologist: how does that make you feel? **reverse psychologist:** ¿leef uoy ekam taht seod woh

What do you call a psychologist who works with the police? Positive reinforcement

What did the psychologist wash his dog with? Pavlovian conditioner

An Agitated Man Rushes to the Psychologist The Agitated Man tells the psychologist frantically,
"I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam,
I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam!"

The psychologist tells the man,
"Hey, relax, you're two tents!"