Hilarious River Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest River Jokes

Apparently as a 4-year old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Inn by a local priest. Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.

Score: 1280

Today I saved a man drowning in the river I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore

Source: University Daytime Janitor

Score: 650

A man on one side of the river shouts out to a man on the other side of the river, “Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?!” The other man yells back, “You are on the other side of the river!”

Score: 620

There's a Greek myth about a stream whose water will attach itself to your skin for all eternity. The river sticks

Score: 372

The Imperial Wizard of the KKK was just found dead near a river in Missouri... Man, the moment the EPA gets threatened people start dropping white trash in our water.

Score: 305

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River

Score: 288

A man sees a blonde across the river. Man: How do I get to the other side?

Blonde: You are on the other side.

Score: 260

At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

Score: 250

A man on one side of a river shouts to a man standing on the other side, “Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?” The other man responds, “You are on the other side of the river.”

Score: 245

Score: 194

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river… I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

Score: 194

Trump is reportedly upset that the Ukraine just elected a comedian as president. Oh, Crimea river!

Score: 179

Two blondes are on either sides of a river. The 1st blonde yells to the other, "How do I get to the other side?!".

The 2nd blonde thinks for a moment and then yells back, "You're already on the other side!"

Score: 162

A blonde and a brunette are on opposite sides of a river... The brunette yells across, "Help me get to the other side of the river!"

The blonde yells back, "You *are* on the other side of the river!"

Score: 150

A blonde stands on the bank of a river There is no bridge in sight. She sees another blonde across the river and shouts:

How do I get to the other side of the river?!

The other blonde shouts back:

Why? You already are on the other side!

Score: 149

Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA. - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

Score: 140

Justin Timberlake visits the Ukraine. Where does he visit first? Crimea River

Score: 128

All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her. Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.

Score: 121

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river... It all comes down to Roe v Wade

Score: 121

A blonde is walking by a river She sees an another blonde on the other side of the river.

-Hey! - she yells.
-Yes? - the other one responds.
-How can I get to the other side? - she asks.
-Fool! You are already on the other side!

Score: 119

What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide!

Score: 109

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river. I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.

Score: 107

Two men meets on opposite sides of a river... One shouts "I need you to help me get to the other side!"

The other says "You are on the other side!

Score: 100

A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells Dam.

Score: 87

Two cats cross a river... first cats name is un deux trois. The second cats name is one two three. Which cat made it across? The second cat because un deux trois cat sank.

Score: 86

A blonde is walking on the bank of a wide river when she sees another blonde on the opposing bank. The first blonde yells: "Hey! How do you get to the other side?" To which the second blonde yells back: "What are you, stupid? You are on the other side."

Score: 80

So there are two Cats... The first cats name is one-two-three and the second cats name is un-deux-trois, both cats try to cross the river, which cat got across first?

The one-two-three cat, because the un-deux-trois cat sank

Score: 74

What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.

Score: 71

Two cats are swimming across a river One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives?

"One Two Three"
because un deux trois cat sank

Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate

Score: 70

What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading? Crimea River.

Score: 66

Where does Justin Timberlake take his holidays in Russia ? Crimea River

Score: 63

A bus full of wives going on a picnic fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...

"My wife missed the bus!!"

Score: 61

An Egyptian man won't accept that he is a bad swimmer, so he jumped into the river... He's still in the Nile.

Score: 46

It's been 5 months since my best friend drowned in a river in Egypt. ....and he's still in denial.

Score: 41

What is Putins favorite song to play for Ukraine? Crimea-River

Score: 37

Trump calls Putin on the phone Trump says, "You need to stop annexing territory in Ukraine"

Putin responds, "Crimea river"

Score: 26

Two Rastafarians go to the river in Egypt and one of them gets in and says "Ey, mon, me not get wet"; his friend replies "Ya right, mon, you in denial"

Score: 24

An Englishman and an Irishman are standing on opposite sides of a river The Englishman asks "How do I get to the other side?"

The Irishman yells back "What'r ye talkin about? you're already there!"

Score: 22

Fish is swimming up river when he bumps his head. "Dam!"

Score: 17

My husband was waterskiing when he fell into the river... As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds. My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded with: Don’t quack!

Score: 17

New River Jokes

What do you get when restraining a boiling river Hot Dam!

Score: 0

A man tries to cross a river but there is no bridge. He sees a man across the river and yells:

“How do I get to the other side?”

The man answers back:

“You are on the other side!”

Score: 4

What did Justin Timberlake say to Alma? Crimea River

Score: 2

If you fall in the river in Paris, what would you be? In Seine.

Score: 2

The gender stereotype for men is really harsh We are expected to be swift as a coursing river

Score: 10

Did you hear about the longest river in Egypt? It's only a Nile long.

Score: 2

A cat jumps into a river Catfish.

Score: 1

A peasant gives a priest his sandwich, who responds by immediately throwing it into the river When the meal fails to resurface, the priest breathes a sigh of relief knowing now the peasant's lunch was just a sand.

Score: 2

What did the Colorado river say when it found out about the New Deal? Well, I’ll be dammed

Score: 2

I can see that my friend has fallen out of a river boat in Egypt but he refuses to accept it. I think he’s in denial.

Score: 7

A German guy resques a dog from drowing in a river then the owner of the dog says to him: "Thank you so much! Are you a vet?" to which the german guy responds with "I'm not just vet! I'm soaked!"

Score: 0

What is Justin Timberlake's favourite body of water in Europe? Crimea river

Score: 2

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the river Bob

Score: 1

A boss is about to fire his engineer after a bridge collapses. But after seeing the engineer weeping, tells him "oh cry me a river, just build a new one and get over it."

Score: 2

A beaver and a bear are talking... The bear says to the beaver
"I can see lots of honey and berries on the other side of this river, but I can't think of any way to cross. Can you help me?"

The beaver says
"Dam!"

Score: 2

Where do GOLDfish keep there money? At the river bank!!!

Score: 2

I never said... I never said you were stupid, but when I asked you how to spell Mississippi and you asked me if I meant the river or the state, you kinda caught me offguard.

Score: 9

Justin Timberlake loves the Ukraine Or, more specifically, the Crimea River

Score: 4

What do you call a river that refuses to see the truth? Denial

Score: 4

A man is having a session with his therapist. Therapist: One of your biggest problems is changing the subject all the time.

Man: No I don't.

Therapist: Denial.

Man: Thats a river in Africa.

Score: 4

Sen. Franklin R. Lee of Idaho was instrumental in obtaining a 100-megawatt hydroelectric plant... .. on the Givva River for the benefit of his hometown, Medea. When the plant was finished, the dedication plaque read:

> Frank Lee, Medea, Idaho, Givva Dam

Score: 3

Why couldn't Moses believe that his mother abandoned him in the river? He was in da-Nile

Score: 9

What did the peninsula say before it was split in half by a flowing mass of water? Crimea River

Score: 2

Two cats, un deux trois & one two three are trying to cross a river. Which cat made it across? One two three because un deux trois quatre cinq.

Score: 1

There were three cats swimming across a river Their names were un cat, deux cat, and trois cat. Only un cat and deux cat made it across. Why? Because trois quatre cinq.

(You probably don't get it if you're not English-French bilingual)

Score: 5

How did the heckawii indians get their name? They split off from a larger tribe and fallowed a river, they walked for weeks and months until finally coming to a great plain, the Indian chief looked at the medicine man and said "where the heck are we?"

Score: 3

What did Putin say to Obama when Russia annexed Crimea? Crimea river.

Score: 5

Why did Missouri decided to also name their side of the river "Kansas City"? Because Missouri loves company.

Score: 1

What did Putin say after catching flak for invading the Ukraine? Crimea river

Score: 9

Where do fish keep their money? The river bank.

Score: 2

What do the Trump administration and Africa have in common? People keep drowning in Denial River.

Score: 5

Why did the river cross the road? To flood New Orleans.

Score: 3

Two fish were swimming in a river when they hit a concrete wall They both looked at each other and said "Dam"

Score: 2

Today I made a spear and threw it to the other side of a river It wasn't very productive, but at least I got my point across.

Score: 14

What did Putin say when he was called out about Ukraine? Crimea river.

Score: 1

Did you hear about the man arrested for throwing stones and sticks in the river? There was damming evidence.

Score: 10

What is Justin Timberlake's favourite place to swim in Europe? Crimea River

Score: 2

My country tried to pass a bill. The bill would keep all river dams forever, and would make the country only ever run off of hydro-electric power. It didn't pass though. I guess the public didn't want to be part of a bill called "Eternal Dam-nation"

Score: 1

What did Putin say to the Ukraine when they complained about Russian aggression? Crimea river!

Score: 4

What's Vladimir Putin's favorite song? Crimea-River

Score: 2

A Frenchman... ...jumps into a river running through Paris. No one was particularly interested though as the man was clearly in Seine.

Score: 1

Two guys are walking through Africa when one of them falls in a river... "Hey, you fell in de river!" Says his friend

"No I didn't!" he says

"Oh you just in de-Nile!"

Score: 4

Did you hear about the statistician who drowned in a river? It was three feet deep on average.

Score: 2

I heard Russia is invading Ukraine again... ...Crimea river!

Score: 2

So me and my pal George went down the river to get some firewood when an angry bear began to charge! George explained we weren't Packers fans, so the property owner didn't charge us for trespassing.

Score: 1

French cat joke Two cat's are trying to cross a river, ones name is Onetwothree and the others name is Undeuxtrois.
Why was Onetwothree the only survivor?
Because Undeuxtrois cat sank.

Score: 15

What did Russia say to Ukraine after they annexed their peninsula? Crimea river.

Score: 4

Why is a river so rich? Because it has two banks

Score: 9

Tired of people complaining about Ukrainian body's of water that Russia is occupying Crimea river.

Score: 12

What is Justin Timberlake's Favorite vacation spot in the Ukraine? Crimea River

Score: 13

That's a great river Dam it!

Score: 3

Blonde by a river So, a blonde is walking next to a river, and she sees another blonde on the other side. So, she yells, "Hey, how do you get on the other side of the river?" The other blonde yells back, "You're already ON the other side of the river!"

Score: 4

Why are there no funeral homes on the river? Because it is a no wake zone.

Score: 1

When I told my friend how my dad drowned in the longest river on earth, he didn't belive me. He was in denial.

Score: 13

Did you hear about the statistician that drowned? Apparently he tried crossing a river with an average depth of 4 feet.

Score: 5

I told my disbelieving Egyptian friend that he was standing in a river... ...but he was in The Nile.

Score: 2

two blonds and a river a blonde is walking along a river, having a good time. then she sees another blonde on the other side. she yells "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!!" the other blonde yells back "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!!"

Score: 9

After hearing all about this stuff with Russia beung upset I'm just like... Oh Putin, Crimea river.

Score: 0

Another Old Blonde Joke A brunette yells to a blonde across a river, "Hey! How do I get to the other side of the river?"

The blonde yells back "You are on the other side!"

Score: 12