Hilarious Ship Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Ship Jokes

What do you call a boat full of polite football players? A good sportsman ship

I'm sorry

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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic... He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater...

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In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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Why are so many Italian men named Tony? When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

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What do you call a communist pirate ship? The USS-ARRR

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When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$. I guess that’s why the captain always goes down with the ship.

Score: 287

Yoda and Luke Skywalker are together in a ship when Luke asks... Luke: are we on track?

Yoda: off course, we are.

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When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one Now I’m starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

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What did they find in the toilet in the star ship Enterprise? The captain's log.

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It's not the size of the ship, nor the motion of the ocean... It's whether or not the captain stays in port long enough for all the passengers to get off.

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Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? So the sharks aren't hungry anymore.

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Maybe the Titanic really was a ship of dreams... and its dream was to be a submarine.

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You know why it’s women and children first off of a sinking ship? It’s so that the men can have some peace and quiet to figure out a solution.

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These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore. The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

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So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian... Whoops, wrong sub.

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I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army. I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I’m starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

Score: 75

What is the strictest part of a ship? The stern

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A ship is sailing through the sea... passing by a small island and watches a man screaming and shouting.

A passenger asks the captain:

- Who is he?

- We don't know, he gets crazy every year we pass here.

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So, a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel stuck to his crotch. Bartender: "You know you got a ship's steering wheel attached to your crotch?"

Pirate: "Aye, it's drivin' me nuts!"

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What did the pirate say when he saw his kid lighting the ship on fire? Arrr son!

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When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85 That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship

EDIT: Didn't excpect to get this many upvotes. Thanks!

Score: 57

My son made this up. The Dad Joke is strong with this one... Son: What does Darth Vader use to get to the bridge of his ship?

Me: No clue, son

Son: An ele-Vader, ha!

Score: 55

Breaking News: A ship carrying red paint just collided with a ship carrying purple paint, in the South China Sea. Authorities report that the crews of both ships are marooned

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When Microsoft and Apple ship faulty products Microsoft: We will fix that faulty battery timer through a software update. *never fixes it though*

Apple: *quietly removes the battery timer*

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A pirate walks into a bar... A pirate walks into a bar with the ship's steering wheel attached to the front of his pants.

The bartender says : "Hey pirate, you got a steering wheel coming out of your pants."

The pirate nods and says : "Arrgh! It's driving me nuts!"

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It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

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When i lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85$ That's why in the Navy, the captian goes down with the ship

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I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona... He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

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What has 7 eyes and 7 legs? A ship with 7 pirates

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A red ship crashed into a blue ship! They were marooned

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My girlfriend said she'd be with me forever if I got a job on a ship. I'm thinking of mariner.

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Right before colliding with an iceberg... The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

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What did the proud pirate dad say after seeing his son torch an enemy ship? Arr, son.

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I called German UPS to ask them when they would ship my Rift.. They said, "VR ready."

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When I lost my rifle.. the Army charged me $85. That is why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship!

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What did E.T.'s mother say when he got back on the ship? "Where on Earth were you?!"

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I used to have such a bad fear of boats Luckily, that ship has sailed.

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New Ship Jokes

I got to the UK with a ship. When I reached Cheriton, I had to dry off the wool.

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Need a ship that can hold two of every animal? I Noah guy..

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What was the name of the actor that played the ship in the titanic? Tom cruise

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A blonde singer on our cruise ship seemed to be skipping one note in every song. She told us she was scared of getting lost at C.

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On a US Navy vessel is written: “USS.” What does that stand for? -United States Ship.

And on a British vessel it says: “HMS”?

-Her Majesty’s Ship

And on an Italian one it says: “AMB”?

-Aaatsah Meh Boat

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A friend asked me how my long distance relation ship was going... So far, so good

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It is very hard for me to get in touch with my dealer ship... Maybe that old sea captain isn't the best person to buy weed from.

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You wanted to know if the ship was moving, or if it was just wind weather or knot, it mattered.

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Once a ship got stuck in the ocean. A sailor comes to the captain and asks:

-Captain, do you know where are we heading?

-Off course, my boy!

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The captain of a very famous ship turns to his passangers and says: people I have some good and some bad news; which do you want first? They shout: the good! Well, the movie that will be filmed about us will win 10 oscars!

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What do you call 4 Mexicans on a sinking ship Quatro Cinco

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What's the different between a confident soldier and a warning helmsman? One shoots from the hip and the other hoots from the ship.

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Titanic x Hindenburg I ship it.

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I was abducted a few years ago. I was taken aboard a ship where they made me brush my teeth three times a day, wash behind my ears and eat all my greens I think I was on the mothership.

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What do you call a music-loving captain of a ship? A sea major

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What do you say when there's a singer, guitarist, bassist, and a drummer in a boat? Abandon ship

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Which Star Wars ship is most likely to be unemployed with a crushing amount of student loan debt? The Millenial Falcon

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A millihelen. A face that could launch one ship...

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WHAT DO YOU CALL A SNAIL ON A SHIP? A snailor "tehee."

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Guy on a mountain asks, "How did a ship get here?" "I shipped it"

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In the army, I lost my rifle and they charged me 85$ That's why in the navy, a captain goes down with his ship.

credits u/koshenYT

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Did you guys heard about the Chinese Ship with a cargo load of Yo-yos that sunk off the coast of Mexico.. .. all 200 times..

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What was the most popular dish on the rave cruise ship? Sea Bass

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What is a zombie's favourite activity on a cruise ship? Shuffleboard!

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When a man falls of a ship, you yell "Man Overboard". When a woman falls of a ship, you yell... Full speed ahead!

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The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military. Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.

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TIL that you can get dishonourably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once Does "dying when the ship gets blown up by the enemy" count as dishonourably discharged?

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What do a prisoner and a sinking ship have in common? They both need bailing out.

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One ship carrying blue paint collided with another ship carrying red paint. The crew is missing and believed to be marooned.

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How do sperm whales get their food? They go under the ship, make a hole and suck out all the seamen.

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Why couldn't the virgin be captain of a ship? Because he couldn't find a first mate.

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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided? Both crews were marooned.

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Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship… The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

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What did Watson say when he and Holmes got stranded on a desert island? "No ship Sherlock"

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A pirate walks into a bar A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel attached to his crotch. The bartender asks "Doesn't that hurt?" The pirate replies, "Yar, it's driving me nuts!"

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If a man falls off a ship you shout "man overboard". What do you shout if a woman falls off? Full speed ahead.

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Why did the engineers of the Titanic II make sure to include a solid Bluetooth system? They didn't want the ship to get stuck syncing again.

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BREAKING NEWS: A Red Cruise ship and a Blue Naval Vessel have collided in the Caribbean... ...and the survivors are marooned.

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A Russian spy ship was spotted off the U.S coast... But don't worry - they're just keeping an eye on their investment

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Where is the safest place to be on a capsizing ship? (Worst joke ever) The Galley!

Everything but the kitchen sinks.

^(I warned you)

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What happened when the blue ship crashed into the red ship? The crews got marooned

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A ship carrying blue paint has collided with a ship carrying red paint in the English Channel. 32 sailors have been marooned

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Scientists have found a chemical in marijuana that can be used to develop a cheap printer ink. The first *stoner* cartridges ship in early 2018.

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Why do we let women and children off a sinking ship first? So the men can plug the leak, sail away, and start better lives.

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My girlfriend says I'm incredibly stupid and ignorant and she's giving me an ultimatum. She said either shape up or ship out. I chose ship out. That was a week ago and FedEx still hasn't delivered my Ultimatum.

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Never Lose A Tank When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel hanging from his crotch... The bartender asks, "What's that hangin' off ye?"

The pirate responds, "arrr! I've no idea, but it's drivin' me nuts!"

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Where do you take a sick ship? To the doc(k)!

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Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump Are Sinking On A Cruise Ship, Who Survives? America

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Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump are on a ship when a rogue wave causes it to capsize. Who survives? America

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Why did the one-eyed pirate run his ship aground? He didn't have any depth perception

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A red and blue ship collided in the Mediterranean today. The survivors are marooned.

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