Soviet Russia Jokes

In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles? Electricity.

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

In Soviet Russia, you rob bank. In Corporate America, bank robs YOU!

In Soviet Russia, the government own businesses. In Capitalist America, businesses own the government. *Insert edgy quotes

In Soviet Russia, you rob bank! In United States, bank robs you!

What did soviet Russians call an 8-hour bread line? Fast food

In Soviet Russia a man walks into a shop. He asks the clerk, “You don’t have any meat?” The clerk says, “No, here we don’t have any fish. The shop that doesn’t have any meat is across the street.”

While in Soviet Russia, I went to visit a doctor. "What happened to you?" He said.

"Migraine" i replied.

He bent forward, push upped his glasses and said, "Correction. Ourgrain."

Soviet Russia had the best bread People would wait in long lines for hours just to get a slice

America Wants You! In Soviet Russia, you want America.

My uncle spoke of his time in Soviet Russia back in the day He said there were only 2 channels on TV. He said Channel 1 was propaganda, and channel 2 was a KGB pointing a Kalashnikov at the screen saying "Turn back to channel 1!"

In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava... They play The Floor is Democracy

IN SOVIET RUSSIA, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT THEREFORE, YOU ARE NOTHING.

In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*

*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.

*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*

In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

Why did Soviet Russia take so long to fall? A lot of the time it was just Stalin.

Here in Soviet Russia You rob bank.
Here in Capitalist America, bank rob you!

In Soviet Russia A prisoner goes to the jail's library to borrow a book.

The librarian says: "We don't have this book, but we have its author."

In Soviet Russia we're all equal... ...ly worthless.

In Soviet Russia, there is no meiosis There is only ourosis

Soviet Russia would've banned Minecraft Until it was called "Ourcraft"

roses are red, violets are blue in soviet russia, poems write you.

In Soviet Russia... ...end of joke is when line punches *you*.

Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? A citizen of Soviet Russia

Why was there no school in Soviet Russia? Because it was a classless society

On Thanksgiving, in Soviet Russia... Turkey shoot you!

In Soviet Russia you watch TV... in America, TV watches you!

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia? Because it's the destruction of government property.

Did you know people in Russia are sexually attracted to light? In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!

In Soviet Russia you don't iron curtains. Iron Curtains you.

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia? Linen

In Soviet Russia you don't make a meme, You make a usus.

In America you peek at pokemon... ... in soviet Russia pokemon peekatchu

It was geography class in Soviet Russia... and little Dmitri asked, 'Why don't we ever get tested on the capitals of foreign countries?'

The teacher replied, 'Because we hate capital-lists, Dmitri.'