Hilarious Swimming Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Swimming Jokes

Score: 1076

Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle. So scared I almost fell in.

Score: 473

I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice. Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.

Score: 445

Why can't two elephants go swimming? -They only have one pair of trunks.

Score: 418

A man knocked on my door asking for a donation towards a new public swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 394

Where does Justin Timberlake go swimming when he's in the Ukraine? The Crimea River

Score: 288

When do Jews go swimming? When it Israeli hot

Score: 275

How do you get 50 Canadians out of the swimming pool? Say, " Everyone out of the pool please."

Score: 272

I’ve always wanted a swimmers body so I go to the swimming pool everyday... But no one ever drowns

Score: 241

I was having a quick wee in the deep end of the swimming pool when the lifeguard blew his whistle. It was so loud I nearly fell in.

Score: 207

A good looking girl waved at me today… but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

Score: 198

Did anyone else's parents teach them to swim by throwing them in the lake? I think the swimming was the easy part. Getting out of that burlap sack was tricky, though.

Score: 155

Swimming in the Ocean I while back I was sitting on a beach in Mexico watching this guy in the ocean screaming "HELP SHARK, HELP!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

Score: 151

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 147

Swimming pool I was at a pool once, and the life guard yelled over to me, “HEY KID! QUIT PEEING IN THE POOL!”

I replied “Oh come on man. Everyone pees in the pool!”

“Yes, but not from the high dive!”

Score: 141

"What do you do in your free time? " "I stalk. " "Really? I go swimming and for long hikes"

"I know.".

Score: 135

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a fish? swimming trunks! :D

Score: 123

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation to the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 107

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

Score: 99

To teach me how to swim my dad rowed me out to the middle of a lake and threw me in. The swimming was easy, it was the burlap sack that gave me a hard time.

Score: 99

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today. Apparently the breast stroke isn’t what I thought it was.

Score: 97

Women are like swimming pools. They cost a lot of money to maintain, considering the amount of time you spend inside them.

Score: 96

I have often wanted to drown my sorrows... I just can't convince my wife to go swimming.

Score: 89

A fish swimming in a river hits into a wall and yells Dam.

Score: 87

I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.

Score: 76

Today a man came to my door asking for donations for the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 73

Two cats are swimming across a river One is called "One Two Three" the other is called "Un Deux Trois." Which cat survives?

"One Two Three"
because un deux trois cat sank

Disclaimer; not original, just saw it online and thought you'd all appreciate

Score: 70

It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice... Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

Score: 66

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks Cost me an arm and a leg!

Score: 62

I had to pee really bad at the swimming pool yesterday, so I tried to sneak it in at the deep end... But the lifeguard blew his whistle so loud I nearly fell in.

Score: 59

Today somebody knocked on my door and asked for a small donation to the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 41

Why doesn't Mexico have a good Olympic team? Because everyone who is good at running, jumping, and swimming have already made it into the U.S.

Score: 38

Did you know? The swimming pools in the Titanic are still full

Score: 32

Two whales are swimming in the ocean. One whale opens his mouth and says "BEEEEEOOOOOOUUUUUUUGAA BOOOOOOUUUUAAAAAAAAEEEOOOOH" The other whale turns to him and says "Dude you are so drunk."

Score: 28

Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool. "But everyone does that," she says.
"Not from the top diving board, they don't."

Score: 25

My wife started swimming for exercise... she said it gave her a sense of porpoise.

Score: 24

Today a man knocked on my door and asked me to make a small donation to the local swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water

Score: 22

So I just got banned from swimming at my local pool... Apparently Breast Stroke isn't exactly what I thought it was

Score: 18

Fish is swimming up river when he bumps his head. "Dam!"

Score: 17

Someone just knocked on my door, asking for donations for a new community swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 15

New Swimming Jokes

A New Russian says to an architect: "I want you to build three swimming pools: one with cold water, one with warm water, and one without any water."
"Why would the third one not have any water?"
"Cuz some of my friends can't swim."

Score: 2

We had a guy going door to door in our neighborhood asking for donations for a new swimming pool so I gave him a glass of water

Score: 10

Two fish were swimming along and suddenly run into a concrete wall. One of the fish exclaims "DAM!"

Score: 2

Earlier today, I was at the swimming pool with my gym class. The teacher yelled at me for peeing in the pool, and I replied that everyone pees in the pool "Yeah, but not from the diving board" was his reply!

Score: 3

What do you call a leper who goes swimming? An evervescent tablet

Score: 2

A woman called to my house looking for a donation to the community swimming pool So I gave her a bucket of water

Score: 6

I saw a shark swimming by itself in the ocean... ...I tried to lure it to me with some meat I had on board. It did not seem intrigued and just swam away.

I guess it was just a low-interest lone shark.

Score: 2

I got in trouble at the swimming pool... apparently you need consent to do the breast-stroke

Score: 2

Two goldfish are in a fish tank One goldfish keeps swimming while the other one says,

"Do you know how to drive this thing?".

Score: 3

What do you call a swimming pool full of idiots? A swimming fool.

Score: 2

Why are there so many life guards at synchronised swimming events? Well, if one of them drowns, they all have to.

Score: 9

I like to walk in the rain so that no one can see my tears..... These are the kind of people that pee in swimming pools.

Score: 1

What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a swimming pool? Bob.

Score: 3

How does a dinosaur get out of a swimming pool? Wet.

Score: 8

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, And I gave him a glass of water and my urine sample.

Score: 1

I tried swimming with dolphins once. I didn't like it. I found them very cliquey

Score: 4

A guy came to my house yesterday asking for donations for a new swimming pool So I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 10

Of all the victims of Harvey.... ....I think I feel the most sorry, for the children who had been praying for a swimming pool.

Score: 3

What do you call someone who is fast in a swimming pool? Speedo Gonzales.

Score: 2

There were three cats swimming across a river Their names were un cat, deux cat, and trois cat. Only un cat and deux cat made it across. Why? Because trois quatre cinq.

(You probably don't get it if you're not English-French bilingual)

Score: 5

What does Dolly Parton put in her swimming pool? Chlorine chlorine chlorine chlorineeeee

Score: 3

I was at the swimming centre with my son. I said, "Use your legs, come on. Keep kicking. Your arms are doing all the work." His chocolate bar got stuck in the vending machine.

Score: 4

Did you hear about the guy who drowned in an ocean of grape juice? He tried swimming to shore but his efforts were fruitile.

Score: 7

Sports: Running needs more medal events. IAAF will now copy the format of swimming events.
Just think of 400m medley. The running equivalent will be:
-jumping with feet together
-running backwards
-jumping with feet apart
-free running

Score: 1

Swimming pool tips Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Score: 5

My wife says I have too many hobbies I already gave up tennis and swimming, but painting is where I draw the line.

Score: 2

Two fish were swimming in a river when they hit a concrete wall They both looked at each other and said "Dam"

Score: 2

A baby sardine was happily swimming in the ocean near its mother when it saw its first submarine. The mother sardine quickly reassured her frightened offspring. "Don't worry, dear. That's just a can of people."

Score: 1

"Dad, how far away is America?" "Shut up son and keep swimming"

Score: 5

I had a dream I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda I guess you could say it was a Fanta-sea

Score: 12

Today a man knocked on my door … He asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I went back into the house and brought back a glass of water.

Score: 4

Today a guy knocked on our door and asked for a small donation for the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water...

Score: 5

Real Donation :D Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 3

I went to a swimming pool with my bipolar friend He dissolved

Score: 9

Funny Jokes Ever.. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 4

Yesterday a man knocked on my door.. Yesterday a man knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

BAHAHAHAHA!

Score: 4

How are a gene pool and a swimming pool similar? Sometimes you have to use bleach to keep it clean.

Score: 5

Why can't two elephants go swimming? Because they have one pair of trunks

Score: 1

If i spent as much time working as i did procrastinating TIL there is an island in the Bahamas called Pig Beach populated entirely by swimming pigs.

Score: 10

I got asked what side of a swimming pool I prefer to jump in. Depends

Score: 7

TIL Scientists were surprised to find the Titanic's grand swimming pool still full after 100 years.

Score: 4

Wrong side of the trunks. Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!

Father: Really, what?

Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

Score: 2

I dreamt I was swimming in orange soda turned out it was just a Fanta Sea

Score: 3

What did the fish swimming upstream say when it hit its head? "Dam."

Score: 10

This morning, someone asked for a donation to the local swimming pool I gave him a glass of water

Score: 4

A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation to the local swimming pool so i gave him a glass of water

Score: 8

A fish swimming up stream hits a wall. What did he say? DAM!!

Score: 1

Work is like fish. Just keep swimming!

Score: 4

Why do you never see an African in Olympic swimming? You need water to swim

Score: 8

Two fish are swimming Two fish are swimming,
One hits a wall and says dam.

Score: 7

I learned an interesting fact about the Titanic today The swimming pools on it are still full of water.

Score: 4

You know what I find amazing? That after 107 years, the Titanic's swimming pools are still full.

Score: 2

How do you get 27 Canadians out of a swimming pool? Yell "Everybody out of the pool!"

Score: 1

A black 6th grader goes to the swimming pool with his class When he returned home, he asked his Mum:

"Hey mum, everybody was staring at my wee-wee in the communal shower. They said it's so big. Is it because I'm black?

"No Jamal, it's because you're 18"

Score: 7

One two three cat and un deux trois cat had a swimming race. One two three cat won because un deux trois quatre cinq.

Score: 1

Two fish are swimming upstream and one of the fish hits his head against concrete. He looks to the other, and says "dam"

Score: 5

Cheesy Late out-of-context Joke of the Day Four Liars and a Pothead walk into a bar...

And someone says, "Hey, look! It's the US Olympic Swimming Team!"

Score: 1

Some young boy just knocked on my door saying "I am collecting for the local swimming pool." So I gave him a glass of water

Score: 1

Why does the swimming pool get laid every night? Because he makes all the ladies wet.

Score: 1

What do you call a man with no arms or legs lying on the floor? Matt.

What do you call him when he's swimming in the pool?

Bob.

Hanging on the wall?

Art.

Score: 5