Hilarious Times Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Times Jokes

Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she won't think twice... Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Score: 22270

I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.

Score: 16267

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row… They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

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Every "yo momma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of different people. Kinda like yo momma.

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Can we ban "Yo Momma" jokes from this sub? They're old, stupid, and have been done by literally everyone hundreds of times Just like yo mama

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When I was little, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive.. It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.

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Every yo mama joke has been done thousands of times by thousands of people... .... Just like yo mama.

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As a child I had a medical condition where I had to eat dirt 3 times a day in order to survive Luckily my older brother told me about it

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Success is like pregnancy Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got F**ed to achieve it.

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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven

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Gamers these days have no patience. Two thousand years ago, respawn wait times were *three days*

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Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer’s. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

Score: 2439

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row... ...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

Score: 2191

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Score: 1986

Success is like being pregnant Everyone congratulates you, but no one asks you how many times you got f**ked to get there.

Score: 1917

I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's 7

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My girlfriend and I are trying this whole "long distance relationship" thing. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

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Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. Because elephants never forget.

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Four years ago, I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

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The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.

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Call a girl beautiful 1,000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it. That's because elephants never forget.

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If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time... Because sin90 = cot45.

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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will use 3 times a year

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Met a hooker who said she'd do anything for $5 So I had her repost a joke for me that's been posted 5,000 times in the past week

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These times are harder on people with disabilities. My dwarf friend is struggling to put food on the table

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Today, me and my wife had a .69 It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

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Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

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When i was a boy, i had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to stay alive... It’s a good thing my brother told me about it

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I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl. 8 times.

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I've tried calling Stephen Hawking many times I keep getting his answering machine

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Every "yo mamma" joke has been done thousands of times, by thousands of people. Kinda like yo mamma.

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I've been in jail for only 10 minutes and I have already been raped and beaten 3 times... This is definitely the last time I play monopoly with my dad

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You Matter. Unless you multiply yourself times the speed of light squared. Then you energy.

Score: 249

President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....." ".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"

Score: 247

A vegan, feminist and a famous rapper walk in a bar I only knew because they told me 10 times.

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Fifteen years ago I asked my high school crush out on a date, yesterday I asked her to marry me... ... She said no both times.

Score: 204

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn't work so you'd bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

Score: 194

New Times Jokes

I rode my bike to the liquor store yesterday for a bottle of rum. As I put the rum in the basket, I realized if I fell over the bottle would break, so I drank the rum. On the way home, I fell down seven times. Imagine what would have happened to the bottle.

Score: 14

I'm nervous about this whole "long distance relationship" thing my girlfriend and I are trying. I have to stay 100 feet away from her at all times. Also, the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Score: 20

A huge earthquake shook Mexico Around 3000 people died.
The world combined efforts to help Mexico during these hard times.
England gave medicine.
France sent food.
Germany made huge donations.
USA sent 3000 Mexicans to replenish the stock

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I've only been in jail for three minutes and I've already been raped three times. I hate playing Monopoly with my dad.

Score: 13

My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week I replied "because it's only Thursday"

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I was booed off stage and locked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone too many times very poorly They told me I had too many unsuccessful Loggins attempts

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Beth, why are all of our broken condoms on the couch? HONEY! How many times do I have to tell you not to call out kids like that!

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What did the Alabama sheriff call the black man that got shot 20 times? The worst case of suicide he’s ever seen.

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Saudi Arabian seems really behind on the times. It's like they're living under Iraq or something.

Score: 137

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

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My dads nickname is lightning. That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.

Score: 28

Mosquito bit me 8 times. Mosquito byte.

Score: 123

Most people enjoy being tickled a few times. But the Japanese really love ten tickles, from what I've heard.

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I met a girl from El Salvador. I told her she was El salvAdorable... But she said she's heard that a Brazilian times.

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E times out of F people will not get jokes in hex.

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30 years ago I asked the love of my life to go out with me, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

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Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

Score: 60

Set your wifi password to 100 So when someone ask tell them it's how many times a week this gets reposted.

Score: 11

A cowboy walks into a bar. He throws a coin up in the air, shoots at it three times, and says "My name is Bill, Buffalo Bill". After the cowboy, a stranger stands up, pulls down his pants, showing three testicles and says "My name is Bill, Cherno Bill".

Score: 14

Who shaves many times a day but still has a beard? The barber.

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I watched a great documentary on menstruation in Victorian times It was a great period piece.

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My therapist asked me how many times a day I act immature. I responded, "sixty-nine."

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What's 1024 times smaller than a pterodactyl? A pgigadactyl!

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A friend of mine gave me an expensive bottle of scotch, I was afraid of dropping it so I drank the entire bottle immediately. Good thing I drank it because I fell seven times when biking home that night.

Score: 10

If you commit crimes 90 times you'll only get caught 45 times. Because sin90 = cot45

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world I know because I've done it thousands of times.

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Did you hear about the man who became a millionaire with one homing pigeon? He sold it for a dollar and it came home a million times.

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Got fired from the bread factory last week Now I am out of dough and I just spend my time loafing around. Tough times, no matter how you slice it.

Score: 10

I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl. It's seven.

Score: 126

Guys, just remember that every yo mama joke that exists has been done hundreds of times by hundreds of different people. Like your mom.

Score: 67

The great thing about the Alzheimers museum is... No matter how many times you go, it always seems new.

Score: 58

Five years ago today, I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.

Score: 66

I hope I don't go to prison after what I did today. When I was in the shower I dropped the soap like ten times.

Score: 28

I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on one hand... Seven

Score: 106

I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking I have done it twenty times a day for years now.

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When I was a little girl, I had a unique medical condition that required me to eat play-doh three times a day to survive. I was very lucky that my older brother informed me about it and made sure I did it, or I might not be here today.

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Mario sits Princess Peach down to have a serious talk. Peach, we've been together a long time, I've saved you countless times, but I just can't go on any longer.

But I want you to know, it's not you, itsa me, Mario.

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This time 5 years ago, I asked the most beautiful girl I've met out for dinner, today I asked her to marry me, she said no both times.

Score: 117

Trump Today Trump Today:

Missile #1: "You're fired!"

Missile #2: "You're fired!"

Missile #3: "You're fired!"

And so on 56 more times.

Score: 98

A man asked a woman how often she shaved... She told him, "About 15-20 times a day."

He asked her, "What's wrong with you!?!"

She told him, "I'm a barber."

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My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more… I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

Score: 117

I've told you a million times. Do Not Exaggerate!

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I don't have OCD... I know because I've checked 300 times

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It's Albert Einstein, not mine Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.

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What animal spins around about 200 times after it dies? A rotisserie chicken

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I used to know a guy who shaved around six or seven times a day and still had a beard at the end of the day He was a Barber.

Score: 160

What do you call an avocado cut up into 6.022*10^23 times? Guacamole

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What did the Alabama Sheriff say about the black man that was stabbed seventy times? Worse case of suicide he's ever seen

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Friends are a lot like trees... They fall down when they are hit with an axe multiple times.

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What did the Texas sheriff say about the black guy who was shot 15 times? "Worse case of suicide I ever saw."

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I've noticed that I can't leave the house without listening to Back in Black 3 times.. I think I have OCDC.

Score: 11

Today I masturbated 8 times! A personal record for me... In my defence Schindler's list was a long film

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If you call a girl beautiful 1000 times she won't really notice. But if you call her fat once, she will never forget... That's because elephants never forget.

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I work at a pharmaceutical research lab, and we managed to kill a rat with marijuana today. To be fair, it took around 20 lbs of it and we had to drop it on him a few times.

Score: 77

What did the Alabama sherriff call the black man who had been shot 15 times? The worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

Score: 11

My 8-Year old patient was so pround, mom was not. Q: What type of bees make milk?

A: BOO-Bees!

And then he just couldn't stop laughing. Mom turned 50 shades of red and blamed dad. Good times.

Score: 63

What does a South Carolina cop do when a panda runs away from him? Shoots him 8 times in the black.

Score: 88

A few years ago i asked out my crush, today i asked her to marry me She said no both times

Score: 30

My 20/15 eyesight is really helpful during tough economic times... because a lot of jobs require minimum supervision.

Score: 12

5 years ago I asked a girl if she wanted to go on a date. Yesterday I asked her if she would marry me. She said no both times, though.

Score: 13