Hilarious Tom Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Tom Jokes

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!" Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work

Score: 11817

"I have a split personality." ...said Tom, being frank.

Score: 1351

What's the difference between a pickpocket and peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches

EDIT:
my first gold! Thank you kind stranger. I do like gold even though it gives me a gilt complex

Score: 1227

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? The pickpocket snatches your watch. The peeping tom does the opposite.

Score: 1175

Woman calls 911 about a peeping tom in her yard 911: "How do you know he's a peeping tom?"

Woman: "When I asked him what he was doing out there, he said 'I was trying to get a pikachu'".

Score: 483

Score: 343

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady... Literally. He can’t catch.

Score: 309

What's the difference in a peeping tom and a pickpocket? One snatches watches....

Score: 259

A guy says, ... A guy says, "Help me, doctor, I can't stop singing What's new Pussycat?"

The doctor says, "Oh no, you may have Tom Jones disease."

Guy says, "I've never heard of that. Is it rare?"

The doctor says, "It's not unusual."

Score: 231

Tom observed that his girlfriend had started smoking so he slowed down and applied some lubricant.

Score: 183

A man goes to his doctor "Doc, you gotta help me. I can't stop singing What's New Pussycat."
"Oh, that sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome," said the doctor.
"Tom Jones Syndrome? Is that rare?"
"It's not unusual."

Score: 173

Magician: I can make anything disappear Tom: *holding a cup* Do it to my tea!

Magician: *waves hand* Done!

om: *holding a cup* It didn't work

Score: 166

A guy goes to the doctor. A guy goes to the doctor.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

Score: 162

Tom Hanks, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey all decide to make a movie Tom hanks says "I'll produce it"

Leonardo DiCaprio says "I'll direct it"

Matthew McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

Score: 148

What is Tom Hanks' wireless password? 1forrest1

Score: 132

I saw Tom Hanks today so I asked him for his autograph. He just wrote Thanks.

Score: 123

One day, a teacher said "Whoever can answer my next question can get dismissed now". Tom threw his bag outside the window.
The teacher asked angrily "Who threw the bag?"
Tom answered "It's me! "

Tom got dismissed early.

Score: 114

What is the difference between a pick-pocket and a peeping-tom? One snatches watches.

Score: 112

A man goes to the doctor... Man: "Doctor, I think I have a problem! I can't stop singing *What's New Pussycat*!

Doctor: "You may have Tom Jones Disease."

Man: "I've never heard of that condition... is it rare?"

Doctor: "It's not unusual."

Score: 99

"I feel so average" Tom said meanly

Score: 93

A woman goes to the doctor Lady: Doctor, I can't seem to stop singing "The green, green grass of home."

Doctor: Looks like you've got Tom Jones syndrome."

Lady: Is it a common disease?

Doctor: It's not unusual.

Score: 85

A peeping tom fell out if a tree, where did he end up? In the ICU

Score: 80

What's brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

Score: 80

I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.

Score: 75

What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Score: 69

Dad joke alert! What is made out of brass and sounds like Tom Jones? Trombones.

Score: 69

What do a peeping Tom and Pokemon fanboy have in common? Both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu!

Score: 56

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom? A pickpocket snatches watches...

Score: 55

What's the difference between a thief and a peeping Tom? Well, a thief snatches watches...

Score: 55

I heard my ex girlfriend needs a new kidney I'm not worried, her body hasn't rejected an organ in 25 years.

-Tom Cotter

Score: 53

What do you call a communist dog? Karl Barx

Shout-out to "Matt & Tom" for that 😊

Score: 30

"The lobotomy was a success!" Tom said absentmindedly.

Score: 28

Did you hear that Tom Brady is running for president? His platform is lowering inflation.

Score: 26

As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom. Tom Orrow.

Score: 26

Tom was grounded by his parents They said he had no potential

Score: 20

A guy goes to see his doctor... He says, "Doctor, I can't stop singing the Green Green Grass of Home."

The Doctor says, "Hmmm, it sounds to me like a case of Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Tom Jones Syndrome, is that common?"

"It's not unusual."

Score: 17

Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls. He's won all 5/7.

Score: 15

What do you call a Spanish peeping tom? Señor Boobies.

Score: 15

My other grandfather was a peeping tom he use to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the apartment below. He died recently but I kind of like thinking about him up there somewhere.....looking down on us.

Score: 15

What’s the difference between Tom Brady and Lance Armstrong? Lance Armstrong cheats with only one deflated ball.

Score: 11

New Tom Jokes

Bob:... "I really should have listened to the advice my old man gave me." Tom..... "Why - what advice did he give you?"

Bob:.... "I don't know - I didn't listen."

Score: 3

Did you hear how much Tom Brady paid for his new piercings? A Buccaneer.

Score: 0

[from Moghlannak] Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pick-pocket? One of them snatches watches.

The other watches snatches.

Score: 0

Tom Brady told me he's on a diet. Well, he didn't actually say diet. He said Sundays are his cheat day, but I can read between the lines.

Score: 2

What was the name of the actor that played the ship in the titanic? Tom cruise

Score: 2

My Dad’s step brother Tom is African American I’m not sure what to call him without offending him

Score: 2

This entire year I was looking forward to being Tom Petty for Halloween But now going as a zombie is just to basic

Score: 1

Dad on the last day of school: So, where’s your school report, my boy?

Tom: Sorry, I’ll bring it a day later.

Dad: Why?

Tom: I borrowed it to Kevin because he wanted to scare his parents.

Score: 2

It is really sad to hear that Tom Petty's family is fighting over his estate. After all, it is really just petty cash.

Score: 1

No one competes against Tom in staring contests anymore. He’s a cheat... ...he uses stareoids.

Score: 4

Tom Petty died yesterday of a cardiac arrest I blame the Heartbreakers

Score: 7

What did one drum say to the other? 'Hi Tom!'

Score: 2

A woman goes to the doctor due to some distressing symptoms. She tells him she can’t stop dancing and crooning ballads.

“Ma’am, you have Tom Jones syndrome” he says.

“Oh no! Is it rare?” She asks.

“Well, it’s not unusual....”

Score: 11

What makes Tom so petty? He's the leader of the Heartbreakers.

Score: 1

What do you get when you cross Deftones with a peeping tom? "I watched you change"

Score: 2

Tom Jones visits the doctor… Doctor: Mr Jones, you have the common cold!

Tom Jones: what do you mean by common?

Doctor: It's not unusual!

Score: 1

What do you call a nut that likes to look in the neighbor's windows? A pecan Tom.

Score: 5

The Church of Scientology does many mission trips. I mean heck, Tom Cruise has been on 5 missions already!

Score: 1

What do you call a robot that looks like Tom Cruise? An Automatom

Score: 2

Father: Tom, am I a bad father? Son: Umm, my name is Paul.

Score: 3

Tom Brady Tom Brady is now offering subscriptions for his food regimen. I believe that's called cheat day.

Score: 2

Tom Brady has a perfect record in the Super Bowl He's 5 out of 7.

Score: 3

Tom Brady now has a perfect track record. He's won 5/7 Superbowls he's been in.

Score: 4

How will Tom Brady feel if the Patriots lose? Deflated.

Score: 3

What's the difference between Chuck Schumer and Tom Brady Tom Brady is a Patriot and a winner.
(Thank you Dennis Miller)

Score: 2

I hate when I'm accused of shenanigans. When clearly it was Tom foolery.

Score: 1

"And that's the last time I ever pet a lion", said Tom, offhandedly.

Score: 3

Whats The Difference Between A Pick-Pocketer And A Peeping Tom? One snatches watches, and the other watches snatches!

Score: 1

I guess Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift couldn't keep their relationship... Loki.

Score: 4

How rare was the disease that killed Tom Jones' wife? It's not unusual

Score: 2

Where do buy a gift for a peeping tom? The windows store!

Score: 1