Hilarious Waiting Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Waiting Jokes

My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet She said something about 'waiting until they're born'

Score: 12634

“Queue” sounds like “q” followed by 4 silent letters, but… They’re just waiting their turn.

Score: 12385

Score: 3568

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

Score: 2550

Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you.

Score: 2192

An attractive woman asked me if I wanted to see a movie yesterday. She said what would you like to see.
I said you pick.
She said you pick.
I said I don't care you pick.
She said, Sir there are other people waiting in line to buy tickets.

Score: 1954

Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters
Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn

Score: 1332

I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.

Score: 978

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come... Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

Score: 943

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?” I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

Score: 847

I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.

Score: 734

England fans must be pretty happy right now. They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

Score: 686

What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival? An LGBT queue

Score: 664

Doctor: "I'm just waiting for your X-Ray." Blonde: "I've never dated anyone by that name."

Score: 571

My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet... she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.

Score: 529

Queue is just Q followed by 4 silent letters... ... They're not silent. They're waiting for their turn.

Score: 494

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened? He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

Score: 403

Just waiting for Steve Harvey to come out and say it's actually Clinton any second now

Score: 308

The last four letters in “queue” are not silent They’re just waiting their turn.

Score: 305

Don't die a Virgin Seriously, there are terrorists waiting for you up there.

Score: 301

A state trooper lays in wait at a speed trap... and spots a speeder.

He flashes his lights, pulls the car over, walks up to the driver and says, "I've been waiting for you all day."

The driver responds, "I got here as fast as I could."

Score: 291

A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM. His wife was waiting for him.

"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.

The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."

Score: 285

Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past... One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

Score: 264

Invisible... A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

Score: 218

A dad joke "Dad I'm hungry."

"Hi hungry, I'm dead."

"Haha, you mean dad."

"No. I have inoperable brain cancer."

"...wha-"

"I've been waiting for the right moment to tell you."

Score: 211

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by… Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

Score: 197

They say a Queue is just a Q, followed by four silent letters but really they are just waiting their turns.

Score: 190

Two prisoners were waiting to be executed. "Any last requests?" asked the jailer.

"Yes," replied one of the prisoners. "I love music, so before I die could you play 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley."

And the second prisoner said: "Kill me first."

Score: 189

What do you do with 365 used condoms? Melt them down, make a tire and call it a Goodyear.

(Yes, I have been waiting till the end of the year to write this)

Score: 186

Still waiting for the FedEx joke? OP didn't deliver.

Score: 175

The word queue does't have 4 silent letters... They are just waiting their turn.

EDIT
oh haha didN't realise this got so many upvotes thanks guys :D is there a way to edit the title for the spelling error?

Score: 157

When I was a child, I remember lying in bed with my eyes closed and waiting for Santa to come... Then crying myself to sleep as he put his clothes back on and left.

Score: 138

Don't Die A Virgin... There Are Terrorist Waiting Up There For You

Score: 122

Pain. Two young boys are waiting for their
surgery…

“What operation are you having done?”

“Getting my tonsils out, what about you?”

“Circumcision”

“Oh that’s bad, I had that done when I was born
and I couldn’t walk for a year”

Score: 118

Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night." The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

Score: 104

I was sitting in a diner waiting order, when I hear, "Does anyone know CPR?"

I said, "I know the entire alphabet!"

We all laughed and laughed...except one guy.

Score: 99

The invisible patient. Nurse: Doc, there's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should i tell him.?

Doc: Tell him i can't see him today!!

Score: 79

I am still waiting for Trump to eat a Snickers ... ... so he becomes Obama again

You're not you when you're hungry

Score: 66

She said she'll go out with me when pigs can fly But she also said men were pigs, so I don't know what she's waiting for.

Score: 62

A shrinking man rushes to the doctor's office. The shrinking man skips ahead of everyone waiting and pleas "Doctor! Doctor! I need help, I'm shrinking!"

Then the doctor replies, "well then you'll just have to be a little patient."

Score: 61

New Waiting Jokes

I was waiting for my yearly erectile dysfunction to come But it never came

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A nurse goes into the doctors office and says, ‘Doc, I’ve got a patient who’s waiting in reception. He says he’s starting to turn invisible. What do you want me to tell him?’ Doc: ‘Tell him I can’t see him right now.’

Score: 8

What do you call a large group of people waiting to be seated at a restaurant who are so hungry they can almost taste the food? The Salavation Army

Score: 2

A prostitute is found dead in a back-alley... The detective arrives on the scene and finds the coroner examining the corpse.

_Detective:_ Has she been raped?

_Coroner:_ Not yet, I was waiting to bring her back to the morgue.

Score: 3

You know what I tell my self whenever women reject me. That my wife is waiting for me back home.

Score: 7

I remember laying in bed as a child waiting for Santa Claus to come.... Then there was always that awkward silence afterwards as he put his pants on and left.

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Cinderella was waiting for her christmas photos to be sent in the mail. Even though they were very late she stayed positive, thinking: ‘One day my prints will come’.

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I've been waiting for an hour in the doctors waiting to be called back for my colonoscopy... Guess they are really backed up today

Score: 5

I was waiting at a pedestrian crossing, when a woman asked me, "What's that beep, beep sound?" I said, "It's so blind people know when to go."

"Oh right." she replied. "Where I'm from, we don't let them drive."

Score: 6

I was walking past Toys R Us today, when I noticed a really long line outside... I asked a worker, "What's everyone here for?"

He said, "That's the Barbie queue."

Then, like an fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes waiting for a burger...

Score: 10

This post is a Samsung Note 7 I'm just waiting for it to blow up.

Score: 3

I showed up to my dentist high I don't know what bothered him more, me being high and making noise in the waiting room or the part where I wasn't scheduled to come in that day.

Score: 6

A Buddhist monk orders a hot dog A Buddhist monk orders a hot dog and gives the vendor a 20 dollar bill. After eating the hot dog he is still waiting and asks the vendor for his change. The vendor replied, "Change only comes from within."

Score: 3

What is a Jewish, a Black and a Russian man waiting outside a brothel for? The Black man is waiting for the light to turn green, the Jew is waiting for the prices to drop and the Russian is waiting for his wife.

Score: 7

What's 200 feet long and eats potatoes? Communists waiting in line to buy meat.

Score: 16

I remember laying in bed at night waiting for Santa to come and then he'd put on his pants and give me my presents.

Score: 19

Doctor: Sorry for the waiting. Patient: No problem, I am patient.

Score: 5

I slept with your mom last night.. Once in a bar, one guy said to another.. "I slept with your mom last night."
After that whole bar was waiting another guy's response.
After a while... he laughs
and
says: Let's go home, Dad,
you are drunk.😂

Score: 7

My life is like a fairytale Everyday, when I come home, there's a witch waiting for me.

Score: 13

I've been waiting to get a book on how to commit suicide from the library... ...but the last guy hasn't brought it back yet.

Score: 5

I talked my way out of a speeding ticket today I was going 90 on a country road and the officer pulled me over walked over to my car and said "I've been waiting for you all day" I said "im sorry officer I got here as fast as I could"

Score: 2

What kind of food do you eat while waiting in line for a haircut? Barberqueue

Score: 3

While I was waiting on a table a family left their keys behind after they left. I assumed the keys were a tip. You should have seen their faces when I drove off in their car.

Score: 2

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!" The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

Score: 4

I was waiting at the bus stop. A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"

I said, "Probably about thirty feet."

Score: 57

A man was just waiting for the train when a woman stops by and asks if she is on the right spot for the hospital. The man tells her that she isn't and that she should probably stand on the rails.

Score: 3

What did the doctor say to the dwarf in his waiting room? "You're just gonna have to be a little patient."

Score: 14

A man is waiting next to an Arab at a bus stop The bus seems to be running late, so the man asked the Arab what time it is.

The Arab checks his watch, waits a minute, and says: "9:12."

Score: 3

Breaking News: Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with Assault and Battery.

We are waiting on his victim to be discharged.

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IT guys are total idiots! I got a mail yesterday saying that I won 10 millions in a lottery in Senegal, and the only thing I had to do was to send my bank account informations. What a bunch of idiots, I didn't even play!

...so now I'm just waiting on my money.

Score: 2

I was waiting in line at McDonald's Finally, it was my turn
The overweight cashier said, 'Sorry for the wait'
I said, 'No worries, I'm sure you'll loose it with a workout'

Score: 2

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. She just stands there and holds the bulb while waiting for the world to rotate around her.

Score: 14

Paddy was speeding down the motorway When the blue lights of the police appeared in his rear view mirror.

Pulling him over, the police man said "I've been waiting for you all day!"

Paddy replies "well, I got here as fast as I could!"

Score: 2

When you're waiting in a restraunt for the waiter to deliver your order... ...in that moment, don't you become *the waiter?*

Score: 2

A man is waiting patiently for the doctor The doctor enters the room and says, "I have good news and bad news."
Worried, the man says, "give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "You're having a disease named after you."

Score: 4

How many passive aggressive people does it take to change a lightbulb? I don't know. Why don't *you* change it yourself instead of waiting for other people to do it?

Score: 3

I was tickling my brothers feet last night and my mother woke up and had a right go at me!! something about waiting till he's born first?

Score: 5

I was was caught speeding yesterday The police officer walked up to my window

Officer: I've been waiting for you all day

Me: I know, i came as fast as I could

Score: 19

21000lbs, packed full and waiting to blow your head off Mother of all bongs.

Score: 4

If J.R.R. Tolkien and Samuel Beckett collaborated... Would we get waiting for Frodo?

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If I'm at a restaurant waiting for the waiter... Who's really the waiter?

Score: 14

What do you call a politician who doesn't lie, cheat and steal? I don't know I'm still waiting to find out.

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Waiting at a bus stop for my bus that was late, another bus stops at my stop for a while, I asked the bus driver: "have you seen the number 5?" He said "yes, it looks like this -" and drew the number 5 in the air.

Score: 3

At a restaurant, I was getting impatient waiting on my food... I caught the waiter's attention as he rushed by. “How long will my spaghetti be?”

The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

Score: 47

A psychiatrists secretary walked into his study... And said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded...

"Tell him I can't see him."

Score: 3

What did the doctor say to the midget waiting in the lobby? You're going to have to be a little patient.

Score: 40

How to keep idiot waiting? I'll tell tomorrow.

Score: 5

I'm getting ready to go down to support the woman's march. Just waiting on my wife to pack me a sandwich.

Score: 11

I've been waiting all year to post this this

Score: 50

The abusive relationship that I'm in is such a joke I spend everyday waiting for the punchline.

Score: 3

What is the hardest part about firing a black man? Waiting for him to show up.

Score: 46

There's a fat man in a schoolyard. A mother approaches him and asks:

"Are you waiting for a child?"

So he replies:

"No, I'm just fat"

Score: 5

Don't die a virgin Because there are terrorists waiting for you.

Score: 5

What's the difference between a Toronto Maple Leafs fan and a 14-year old girl? Nothing. They are both just waiting for the first period to be over.

Score: 3

So a lady was waiting at the doctor's... The doctor is obsessed with the stars, and is a junior astrologist, so, naturally, he asks the woman what her Zodiac symbol is. She responds; "Cancer, why?". "What a coincidence..." Said the Doctor.

Score: 6

somebody took my dog while we were waiting in line at the vet i cried out "Somebody stole my Spot!!"

Score: 2

What do you call a queue of people waiting for hearing aids to be fitted? Deaf row

Score: 11

What's common between Marriage & a Port-a-potty? There are those who are waiting to get in it and then you have those wanting too get out of it.

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What did the English major say to the Theatre major? Now my friend, we play the waiting game!

Score: 2

So a cop pulled me over one day for speeding... he asked: "excuse me sir, but do you know how long i've been waiting for you?"
i said:" i know, i'm sorry but i tried to get here as fast as i could."

Score: 6