Hilarious War Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest War Jokes

My grandfather says he survived mustard gas and pepper sprays during war. He's a seasoned veteran.

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What would happen if two African countries get in a war? A 3rd World War.

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

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So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda... Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

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**INFINITY WAR SPOILERS** Ok now that all the nerds are gone, there's a party going on at my place this Saturday. hmu if you're interested.

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How to win the war on drugs 1) legalize all drugs.
2) require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.

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No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II. I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2 He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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If France and Italy go to war, who would win? None of them, France would surrender and Italy would switch sides.

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Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until You realize you're a healthy young man

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors. Because they were Veteran Aryans.

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France and Italy go to war. Who wins? Neither. France surrenders and Italy switches sides

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How do you turn lead into gold? Start a war.

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My friend asked me "if you could have any super power in the world, what would it be?" I said Cold War Russia.

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France and Italy simultaneously declare war on each other France surrenders

Italy changes sides

Both lose

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How do you get Americans to join a World War? Tell them it’s nearly finished.

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War isn't about about who's right... It's about who's left.

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The country would be a lot better off if the South had won the war..... ...General Lee speaking

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I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

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The only thing round earthers have to fear... ...is nuclear war. That’ll flatten things pretty quickly.

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Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

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During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots. He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever recruited.

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Why do Nordic boats have barcodes on them? So after they get back from war, they can Scandinavian.

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How do you get Germans to start a war? Win the previous war.

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How many Horsemen of the Apocalypse does it take to change a lightbulb? Three.

War never changes.

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If two impoverished African nations went into battle against each other... ... Would that be a third-world war?

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What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam? Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

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I don't know if Gabe Newell would be a very good president. But at least there won't be a world war 3.

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My Grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas during world war 2 He’s a seasoned veteran.

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Why did the Cold War end? Global warming started.

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People are really upset about how the cast of Hamilton treated Mike Pence. I mean, the last time people were this upset about something an actor did to a Republican in a theater, the Civil War had just ended.

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My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

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I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

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In the 90's America was fighting a war on drugs In the 60's and 70's America was fighting a war, on drugs

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During the war, my Grandad faced pepper spray and mustard gas. He's a seasoned veteran.

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ATTENTION: This afternoon I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

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I asked a girl to come back to my place and as she was looking through my books... She asked, "How come you've got so many copies of 'War and Peace'?"

I replied, "It's a long story..."

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France and Italy go to war. Who wins? France.

France surrenders, but Italy switches sides.

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A man balks in a war He's charged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.

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New War Jokes

What did George Bush say when he was fighting in war? I ambush

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They say Hitler was driven to war because of his addiction to video games He was obsessed with Mein Kraft

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A knight is called to war by his liege Before he leaves he puts a chastity belt on his wife, locks it and trusts his stewart with the key.

Just as he was about to leave the stewart comes running towards him

"Sir, you left me the wrong key!"

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Did you see that guy at the beginning of Infinity War? He Loki died bro

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Polio is a lot like how Japan was in World War 2. Two drops and you'll be able to get rid of it.

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What did Hitler name the Gas planet he discovered during World War 2. Jewpiter

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I invented a war game called "Adam and Eve". It's a first person shooter.

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So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War... I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

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Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II? They were Fascistanating

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My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences. During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”

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How did Russia win the second World War? By stalin' the german advance

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What do you call a war hero covered in salt and pepper? A seasoned veteran.

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Southerners can do pretty good civil war voice impressions.... General Lee speaking.

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If two soldiers give each other handjobs... Is it a Tug of War?

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Why did World War II last so long? Because the USSR kept Stalin.

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My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.

Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

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If Russia is so good at defeating it's enemies in the Winter Then how come they lost the Cold War?

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What do Italians say when their mother gets lost during a war? Mama MIA.

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Donald Trump doesn't believe there were any lynchings during the Civil War. When asked about it, He said it was just a case of Fake Noose

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Black people making fun of Confederates for losing the war... Like they were doing any better at the time.

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Why are there no more civil war reenactments any more? Half the guys keep getting into fights and being arrested on their way to events.

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Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed? Mussolini, because he was the fascist

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How do the French declare war? With a white flag.

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What would war with Korea be like? Seoul-crushing

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What do you call a Vietnam war hero with a new apartment? New tenant Dan

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[Mild SPOILERS] Nice to see Arya Stark FINALLY get involved in the war... She really jumped into the Frey.

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When Chris Pine was approached to star in Christopher Nolan's new war time epic.. "No thanks I've done Kirk"

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I went on an "Authentic World War One Tour" the other day Three quarters of our party died, we didn't go anywhere and it rained the whole time.

10/10

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War doesn't determine who is right Only who is left

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An octopus went off to war It's a good thing that he was well-armed.

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The Cold War was so anticlimactic... I mean, most of it was just Stalin.

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What's Pingu's stance on war? Nootral

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There was a father and son.. The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..

"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"

The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"

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In light of the recent fentanyl incidents. Who would have thought the solution to the war on drugs... Was just stronger drugs???

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What do you call a sitcom that takes place in a war zone? Minefeld

*Plays Seinfeld theme with gunshots*

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What does Captain America and Spain have in common? A horrific Civil War

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My friend said he didn't know there was a war going on in the middle east... He must have been living under *Iraq*

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If World War 3 happens... At least we will finally get some more decent Call of Duty Games.

It's a silver lining in the clouds.

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I was told, if I voted for Hillary, they predicted Obamacare would continue and we'd go to war with Syria... I did, and the predictions came true!

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How do you get America to join a World War? Tell them it's almost over.

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My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have... Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

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During the Vietnam war, if you reported one communist... You would win one thousand dollars.
If you reported 2 communists, you would win 2 thousands dollars.
If you reported 3 communists, you would go to jail because you knew too many communists.

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What is the difference between the American Revolutionary War and several cows being launched into space? One was the shot heard around the world and the other is a herd shot around the world.

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What do you call a war between india and the UK? The empire strikes back.

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World War 2 fans have their own set of complaints.... "I can't believe Hitler blew an 11 country lead!"

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Me and my friend used to like playing war growing up one day i went to his parents house and told them their son died

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Why would Gabe Newell be a good president? Because then World War 3 would never happen

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What's white, black, and red all over? A race war.

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Civil war To all of the Hillary supporters who are unhappy with the election and would like to start a civil war, just remember, you are on the side that doesn't want any guns.

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Civil War Jokes you say? I General Lee don't find them funny

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Got trapped in a bidding war for a house with a lengthy corridor I'm in it for the long hall

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why did so many black people die in the Vietnam war? every time the sergeant shouted GET DOWN! they all started dancing

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What was the main difference between the war in Vietnam and the war in Iraq? George Bush had a plan to get out of Vietnam.

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Voldemort tried to kill my grandpa twice during the war! That's why his helmet has two lighting bolts.

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Why did the Mexican civil war last so long? Because they were fighting Juan on Juan.

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TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.

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Why did the Cold War never happen? Because Joseph was Stalin.

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What would the war be called if Donald Trump started war on the Mexicans? World war Juan

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Sometimes I struggle to understand jokes about the Civil War. I just General Lee don't get them.

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A joke from Civil War History Class today Teacher asks: 'The southern plantations were very wealthy. Exactly how much of that wealth did the slaves get?'

Student answers: 'A whip'

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