Hilarious Weekend Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Weekend Jokes

What are you going to do in the weekend? "I'm going to buy glasses."

"And then what?"

"Then I'll see."

Score: 11995

I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

Score: 2259

I won $3 million on the Lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 and she has $.25

Score: 1117

I hope they serve cookies at the Royal Wedding this weekend Just to show how a touch of brown sugar makes a ginger snap.

Score: 1026

I won $3 Milllion on the lottery I won $3 million on the lottery this weekend so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75 left.

Score: 731

Last weekend, I tried throwing an orgy for people on antidepressants... But nobody came

Score: 178

There's an incest competition in my town this weekend. I'm going to enter my sister.

Score: 159

Teacher: "Hello class! What did you do on your weekend?" Student: "My father fell into a pit"

Teacher: "Oh no! Is he OK?"

Student: "I think so, he stopped screaming for help today."

Score: 148

Turned up five minutes late so missed the rules... ...but I had an amazing time at this fight club last week, you should definitely look into it and maybe join, we fight in a car park every weekend.

Score: 130

I saw on the news that the CEOs of T-mobile and Sprint got married last weekend. Great wedding, terrible reception.

Score: 117

Score: 110

Last weekend I organised a threesome... We were a couple people short but everyone still had a good time.

Score: 105

My girlfriend and I tried playing doctor... She stayed over the weekend and I sent her a bill for $180,000.

Score: 104

I watched the Harry Potter films for the first time at the weekend They were okay, but a bit unrealistic: a ginger schoolkid with two friends?

Score: 89

My 10 year high school reunion was this weekend... I ran into these twin brothers I hadn’t seen since graduation, and I thought to myself..

“Well, you two still look the same.”

Score: 83

My wife says she's fed up and is planning on leaving me this weekend. Despite begging and pleading with her, she's adamant she won't move out before then.

Score: 77

Un Deux Trois A French cat called Un Deux Trois attempted to swim the English Channel last weekend but sadly didn't make it and drowned. It was all over the news the next day; "Un Duex Trois Cat Sank"

Score: 76

A Welshman died at the weekend... Friends say he died the way he would have wanted; comfortably in his sheep

Score: 71

Yoda is working at a hotel as a concierge and a man walks up to the desk. Yoda: Hello, welcome, you are.

Man: Hi, I'd like to book a triplex for the weekend.

Yoda: Sorry I am, only duplex we have.

Man: Are you sure? I really need the triplex.

Yoda: There is no tri, only du.

Score: 71

When I was younger, my parents used to make me go stay with my grandparents at the weekend And it was so cold in that cemetery!

Score: 70

I went to a really emotional wedding last weekend. even the wedding cake was in tiers.

Score: 53

If President Bernie Sanders were to die in office... And an elaborate homage to Weekend at Bernie's was undertaken to cover up that fact, he'd still have less strings than Hillary Clinton.

Score: 52

I arranged a threesome on the weekend. Had two no shows, but I still had fun

Score: 51

I was the photographer at a vegan wedding this weekend They kept getting mad when I told them to say cheese.

Score: 47

My buddy said, "It's me and my wife's tenth wedding anniversary next weekend, so I thought we could go somewhere really nice together." I replied, "Sounds good to me! What're you going to tell your wife though!?"

Score: 47

I was talking to my friend over the weekend, when he brought up the subject of hobbies.... He asked, "What do you do in your free time".

To which I responded, "I stalk people".

"Oh", he exclaimed, "Really? I enjoy walks in the park or going to movies with friends".

"I know"

Score: 45

There's a nudist convention in my town next weekend I might go if I've got nothing on

Score: 42

Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend? Loki: nothing, just hanging out

Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...

Loki: no

Thor: low key

Score: 41

Black eye Tom: "Hey buddy, howya do...whoa! who gave you that black eye?

Sam: "My wife"

Tom: "I thought she was out of town for the weekend."

Sam: "So did I."

Score: 39

I'm starting to have second thoughts about the hotel room I booked at the Indian Casino this weekend. simply put, I'm having reservations about my reservation on the reservation.

Score: 37

My friends and I are all dressing as different Robin Williams characters at a Comic Con this weekend... We're the Suicide Squad!

Score: 28

"Honey, let's make this an awesome weekend, shall we?" Says a man to his wife. "Sure", she responds

"Great, I'll see you on Monday!"

Score: 23

I took my son to the space museum last weekend. They charged us $5.50 to stand in an empty warehouse.

Score: 23

What's a dentist's favorite time of the day? Five o'clock, because he hates his job and lives for the weekend.

Score: 21

News Alert: Trump spending weekend working at the White House. April Fools

Score: 13

I Heard Minnesota Residents Are Very Excited. Rumor is going around that summer may fall on a weekend this year.

Score: 13

I went to the pharmacy this morning and asked for 50 condoms. The girl winked at me and said, "Oh, someone has a busy weekend ahead of them!"

"I know," I said. "I'm making a raincoat for my pet snake."

Score: 12

I asked an attractive geologist if she wanted to go on a date this weekend but she told me that she doesn't date... she quartz.

Score: 11

How will Texans be celebrating Earth Day this weekend? They will be planting a Bush.

Score: 11

My family have been doing a collective workout challenge. It was tough at first, very intense. As of this weekend though I can say we've collectively lost 80kg....

...or, Grandad.

Score: 9

New Weekend Jokes

I was hard at work I was hard at work at the weekend, when my colleague leaned over and said to me "don't kill yourself"

I thought on it, yet two days later they found me suspending from a 20 storey apartment block.

It's hard work being a window cleaner.

Score: 2

OK FINE!! i'LL WEAR MY MASK SATURDAY AND SUNDAY!! JeEZ ALLmIGHtY!! My doctor told me I have a weekend immune system.

Score: 2

So glad there's a holiday weekend coming up! So need a day off. Think I'll just stay home with the family.

Score: 0

With all this stress regarding the coronavirus pandemic, I’ve decided to plan a getaway to Italy for the weekend. I hear it’s really breathtaking over there!

Score: 0

What does a Chinese chef do on the weekend? He takes a wok in the park with his dog.

Score: 0

Me and my family were planning on going to the theater this weekend. We made calculations and with 20 bucks more we are now going to punta cana for the weekend instead.

Score: 2

I had a terrible labor day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm. She's all right now.

Score: 3

It's going to be a hot Memorial Day weekend, so our town's ice store is having a liquidation sale. Note: Not the best joke out there, but I believe it's OC. Let me know

Score: 2

TIL girls are on their period on saterday. I went out this weekend and every girl I asked told me that she was on her period.

Score: 0

I watched Avengers: Infinity War this weekend. It was definitely a good movie, but one question was left unanswered, and it keeps me up at night. I'll never be able to figure out why is Gamora.

Score: 4

Over the weekend I got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

Score: 2

Putin planned a holiday trip to the U.S. for the President's Day weekend sales... but he cancelled at the last minute when he remembered he'd already bought one.

Score: 1

This valetines day weekend Im going to have a star wars movie marathon alone This valetines day weekend Im going to have a star wars movie marathon alone.

I plan to spend a lot of time looking down at han solo.

Score: 0

A proton and several electrons walk into the bar. The proton asks, "What did you do last weekend?"

The electron answered, "I ain't did no more of no nothing, not."

Score: 2

I dropped my phone in a pitcher of beer this weekend... Now it only drunk dials and does last call.

Score: 2

This weekend I bought a belt buckle that was also a functional face clock... I threw it out. It was a waist of time.

Score: 3

I was having a conversation with my dad about Blade Runner “Have you seen the new Blade Runner movie yet? I was gonna get tickets this weekend”

“Yeah I’ve already seen it”

“What is it about”

“About two hours”

Score: 2

How was your weekend?" "Hey, dad how was your weekend?" - "Light, dark, light, dark, Monday."

Score: 2

last weekend was my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary So we threw them a golden shower.

Score: 3

I recruited a nice little girl and her cute cuddly kitten to the flat earthers this weekend. I also figured out the brakes on my truck are overdue to be replaced.

Score: 4

I went house hunting over the weekend... I went to see a house that had mirrors all over the walls and I could definitely see myself living there.

Score: 8

A windmill was spotted at The Dark Tower premier this weekend. People said it was a huge Stephen King fan.

Score: 5

A woman tells her husband.. We should spend quality time this weekend.

The husband replies "great! See you next week!"

Score: 3

I went to a bulimic bachelor party last weekend A cake jumped out of the stripper.

Score: 3

I went to a Solipsists Convention this weekend. Unfortunately, I was the only one who showed up.

Score: 2

My wife's in a wedding this weekend so I'm stuck with the kids. I wish her the best in her new life.

Score: 3

I saw two movies this weekend. One was about a crazy person who fought crime in their underwear, and the other was Captain Underpants.

Score: 2

They should change the name of The Paris Agreement to "The Weekend Golfing Trip." Trump would never pull out of that.

Score: 3

On Mondays, I am strengthened yet after quite a few rough days I become weekend

Score: 1

I won first place in a political correctness competition the weekend... Though to be fair, so did everyone else.

Score: 8

I'm holding a charity event at the weekend for people who have trouble orgasming... Let me know if you can't come

Score: 2

There was a weekend long pun contest: I did 5 puns one day, 5 more the next.

None won the contest, no pun in ten did.

Score: 2

President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating

"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

Score: 6

This weekend a ghost whispering midget escaped from federal prison Now there's a small medium at large

Score: 3

The women protest movement this weekend was historical. I've never seen so many women have PMS on the same day.

Score: 3

I had a crazy camping trip this weekend It was in tents

Score: 5

I won $3 million on lottery this weekend. I decided to donate a quarter of it to Charity Now I have $2,999,999.75

Score: 2

I think movies have gotten too violent. I took a 9-year-old kid to see a film over the weekend and he cried through the entire thing. Although, granted, that might have been because he didn't know who I was.

Score: 2

I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream... Sundae School.

Score: 6

Got my self some new aftershave for the weekend, it's called Breadcrumbs The birds love it.

Score: 1

Why didn't Khaleesi's army go to the movies this weekend? Because they're Unsullied

Score: 1

Girl I like keeps putting me in the "dad zone" Good thing this weekend is Father's Day.

Score: 4

I did some Star War's fantasy roll playing this weekend Me, Hand Solo and Princess Didn't-Get-Laid-a.

Score: 2

Hey North Carolina, watcha doin' this weekend? Nothing

Score: 3

I went to a pot bar in Colorado this post weekend It was really a seedy joint.

Score: 1

So I had a blind date this weekend... I lied.

She could see.

Score: 1

I'm going camping this weekend with a bunch of models. It's going to be pretty in tents.

Score: 4

Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor) Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

Score: 1