Only Funny Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

Why did the pirate get $2 ear rings? Because they're a buck an ear!

ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees. Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

The magical world of Harry Potter is a cast system. *Ba dum tss*

I've had enough of all the COVID-19 jokes They are all tasteless

When two people don't get along, they have a "beef" But if they were vegetarian, do they Squash it?

I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet. These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

How much does it cost a pirate to buy his wife earings? A buck n ear.

Somone calls up a takeaway and asks if they deliver.. The takeaway replies - Sorry. We only do lamb, chicken or fish!

What do you call boat full of sailers? A tugboat

Youknowwhyyoucan'tgetabeerontheinternationalspacestation? Thereisnospacebar.

Credit goes to a comic posted by u/ram_exe over at r/funny

What do you call a bunch of crows trying to organize a gang? Attempted murder

I was in the bathroom and got toilet water on my mask. I guess I should've taken it off before drinking out of the toilet bowl.

My girlfriends dog died recently So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.

She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Who cuts down the trees that get made into back-supporting chairs? Lumbar-jacks

I’ve decided to have an open mind, and I totally support LGHQTV+ It was part of my resolutions to support them. With all their definitions, of all colors.

Why was the Samsung employee astonished? Because I swallowed a tablet without water.

A guy was shifting houses .. But none of his friends showed up.

That his when he had to take mattress in his own hands.

Someone got hold of my Mastercrd yesterday and went on a shopping spree at a Barcalounger store! The bank called me to tell me that my card had been reclined.

What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make? Crack!

What do you call an obscure glory hole? A hole in the wall hole in the wall

What do you call a very expensive switch ? a Louis Button...





I'm so sorry

What is the pop musician's favorite food dish? Spaghetti Al Tottune

It's going to be a long wait for the Home Team to reclaim victory Because it is now 20-21

What do you call an athlete doing drugs ? A Speedrunner

Why should you never shake an Italian's hand? Cause they are already shaking parmesan.

In response to the pandemic, the construction industry is finally letting employees work from home. Only catch is it ain't their homes.

What did Steve Jobs say to the hooker? Blow Jobs

What did the hooker say to Steve Jobs? Blow Jobs

I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com... How to make a half dozen turnovers.

where does a lil fire go to school? the cindergarten

My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do? It paralyzes you.

My neighboor is trying to make his wife eat a lightbulb I heard him say "turn the light off and suck it"

I heard millenials like suicide jokes. So I've been dying to make one.

How can we call Buzz Aldren a hero? When he *literally* turned his back on the world.

My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

Asked surgeon to re-attach my arm. He said he couldn’t remember.

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty.

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho.

I always feel nervous when talking to Koreans. Everytime I say hello, they always tell me that onions are on sale.

What is 8ft tall,lives in the woods and has a curly tail... Pigfoot

My 7 year old told me this and thought I would share

What is something you blow to make ypur wish come true? Sugar daddies

Everybody knows that a cornucopia is also called a "Horn of Plenty" but do you know its other name? A Snaxaphone.

meoooowww, meooooooowwwwwwwww edit: sorry, didn't mean to post this. my cat jumped on the keyboard.

What's a schizophrenics favourite dessert? Fruit cake

It is unbelivable what is going on in America! It's treason! Who would ever think that Kim will leave Kanye?

The worst part about this week is Dr. Dre had an aneurism and no one is talking about it. Everyone FORGOT ABOUT DRE.

Hookers on Naval Subs Substitutes.

What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine. I’m sorry.

Found in a Christmas cracker. Is my sense of humour rapidly deteriorating or is this as funny as I’ve been finding it since Christmas Day?

I never believed that the Conquistadores were so good at Tlachti... Nobody expects the Spanish Inca swishin'

As a black man. I am obligated to vote Demoocrat. because I know that as a slave I must serve the master well.

Why are so many short people uneducated? They can't go to High school.

It took my wife and I 30 years to figure out the most comfortable way for us to sleep In two different houses

What works faster than a calculator? A calcunow

The Devil went down to Georgia, tried to raise some Republican cash And they woulda won, if they hadn't run
All their ads in Adobe Flash.

Roses are red, Georgia is blue If you’re still republican the jokes on you.

Thought of the day.... Sometimes I wonder what happened to people who asked me for directions 🤔

Dre Beats women

A pot smoker said "Can you imagine selling every last one of your possessions because you desperately need to get high." "I can't imagine being that motivated"

Did you know ants can’t catch COVID? They have anty bodies

The runoff elections weren't fair because they cheated! Republicans in Georgia have a long history of suppression votes in Black communities. So this wasn't a fair election because Republicans cheated and they still lost.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing. After naming their kids after directions they're the ones going south.

Did you hear about the band called 1024mb? They haven’t got a gig yet

'New year, new me!' said the Covid-19 virus as it mutates.

What is Google chrome's favorite meat to eat RAM

I walked into the store yesterday... I should probably stop looking down at my phone.

After realising I was too short.. for most of the jobs at work, the next day I decided to take steps.

Women’s ovaries are always acting That’s why women are always overreacting

Caution: Tinder meetups can cause sparks to fly Don't worry though, they're harmless without any matches

I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books It was a real page-burner

Why did the chicken put on sunscreen? So he wouldn’t get fried.

I Pity the Dyslexic Agnostic For he stays up at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

A older man was skateboarding down the road A younger kid yelled out "Do a kickflip!"
The man, hard of hearing, yelled back "But i cant see a beer keg anywhere!"
(Its dumb i know-)

I ran over my neighbor's cat the ither day.. And I felt really bad about it so I told her that I will replace her cat. She said "that's all well and good but how are you at catching mice?"

What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins? Bologna

I finally have a good workout routine. Monday: head and shoulders
Tuesday: knees and toes
Wednesday: knees and toes
Thursday: cheat day
Friday: cheat day
Saturday: cheat day
Sunday: cheat day

TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984 Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

What do Russians eat with their fried chicken? Coleslav

I heard Dr Dre suffered an aneurysm today. I know they can cause memory loss. I hope he hasn’t forgot about Dre.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $29.67? What do you need $35.32 for? $53.89 is a lot of money you know.

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ? A: Just stab it 23 times

$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues.

Humans have evolved to longer need heads, being mostly machine. However, one remained in a museum to be preserved for generations. I guess you could say it was a head of its time.