Only Funny Jokes

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The Funniest Jokes

Calm down about the Net Neutrality thing... Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

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If your surprised that Jeffrey Epstein commited suicide this morning Imagine how surprised he must have been.

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V V

*Edit: seems like the ctrl key on my keyboard is not working

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If I had a $ for every post I've seen today about Net Neutrality... I'd have enough money to view a post next year about Net Neutrality.

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Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools. Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Edit: Sorry.

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New Jokes

Why did the pirate get $2 ear rings? Because they're a buck an ear!

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ill give you $80 to believe a lie, but if you dont believe it you have to pay me $20. ok, guy agrees. Ive already paid you as $100 and am waiting for my change.

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The magical world of Harry Potter is a cast system. *Ba dum tss*

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I've had enough of all the COVID-19 jokes They are all tasteless

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When two people don't get along, they have a "beef" But if they were vegetarian, do they Squash it?

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I’m so glad I installed a bidet on my toilet. These are the kind of investments that are right up my alley!

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How much does it cost a pirate to buy his wife earings? A buck n ear.

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Somone calls up a takeaway and asks if they deliver.. The takeaway replies - Sorry. We only do lamb, chicken or fish!

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What do you call boat full of sailers? A tugboat

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Youknowwhyyoucan'tgetabeerontheinternationalspacestation? Thereisnospacebar.

Credit goes to a comic posted by u/ram_exe over at r/funny

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What do you call a bunch of crows trying to organize a gang? Attempted murder

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I was in the bathroom and got toilet water on my mask. I guess I should've taken it off before drinking out of the toilet bowl.

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My girlfriends dog died recently So to cheer her up I bought her another one just like it. It didn't work.

She said "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

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Who cuts down the trees that get made into back-supporting chairs? Lumbar-jacks

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I’ve decided to have an open mind, and I totally support LGHQTV+ It was part of my resolutions to support them. With all their definitions, of all colors.

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Why was the Samsung employee astonished? Because I swallowed a tablet without water.

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A guy was shifting houses .. But none of his friends showed up.

That his when he had to take mattress in his own hands.

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Someone got hold of my Mastercrd yesterday and went on a shopping spree at a Barcalounger store! The bank called me to tell me that my card had been reclined.

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What sound does a duck addicted to drugs make? Crack!

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What do you call an obscure glory hole? A hole in the wall hole in the wall

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What do you call a very expensive switch ? a Louis Button...





I'm so sorry

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What is the pop musician's favorite food dish? Spaghetti Al Tottune

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It's going to be a long wait for the Home Team to reclaim victory Because it is now 20-21

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What do you call an athlete doing drugs ? A Speedrunner

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Why should you never shake an Italian's hand? Cause they are already shaking parmesan.

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In response to the pandemic, the construction industry is finally letting employees work from home. Only catch is it ain't their homes.

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What did Steve Jobs say to the hooker? Blow Jobs

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What did the hooker say to Steve Jobs? Blow Jobs

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I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com... How to make a half dozen turnovers.

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where does a lil fire go to school? the cindergarten

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My 6 year old just made this one up, really proud. If a pear “paralyzes” you, what does an apple do? It paralyzes you.

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My neighboor is trying to make his wife eat a lightbulb I heard him say "turn the light off and suck it"

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I heard millenials like suicide jokes. So I've been dying to make one.

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How can we call Buzz Aldren a hero? When he *literally* turned his back on the world.

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My neighbour just banged on the wall at 4.20am, can you believe it!!? Luckilly I was still up playing music. He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'

I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'

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Asked surgeon to re-attach my arm. He said he couldn’t remember.

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I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen. She's completely dotty.

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What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white? Heigh Ho.

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I always feel nervous when talking to Koreans. Everytime I say hello, they always tell me that onions are on sale.

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What is 8ft tall,lives in the woods and has a curly tail... Pigfoot

My 7 year old told me this and thought I would share

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What is something you blow to make ypur wish come true? Sugar daddies

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Everybody knows that a cornucopia is also called a "Horn of Plenty" but do you know its other name? A Snaxaphone.

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meoooowww, meooooooowwwwwwwww edit: sorry, didn't mean to post this. my cat jumped on the keyboard.

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What's a schizophrenics favourite dessert? Fruit cake

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It is unbelivable what is going on in America! It's treason! Who would ever think that Kim will leave Kanye?

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The worst part about this week is Dr. Dre had an aneurism and no one is talking about it. Everyone FORGOT ABOUT DRE.

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Hookers on Naval Subs Substitutes.

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What did the grape do when it got stepped on? It let out a little wine. I’m sorry.

Found in a Christmas cracker. Is my sense of humour rapidly deteriorating or is this as funny as I’ve been finding it since Christmas Day?

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I never believed that the Conquistadores were so good at Tlachti... Nobody expects the Spanish Inca swishin'

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As a black man. I am obligated to vote Demoocrat. because I know that as a slave I must serve the master well.

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Why are so many short people uneducated? They can't go to High school.

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It took my wife and I 30 years to figure out the most comfortable way for us to sleep In two different houses

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What works faster than a calculator? A calcunow

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The Devil went down to Georgia, tried to raise some Republican cash And they woulda won, if they hadn't run
All their ads in Adobe Flash.

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Roses are red, Georgia is blue If you’re still republican the jokes on you.

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Thought of the day.... Sometimes I wonder what happened to people who asked me for directions 🤔

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Dre Beats women

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A pot smoker said "Can you imagine selling every last one of your possessions because you desperately need to get high." "I can't imagine being that motivated"

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Did you know ants can’t catch COVID? They have anty bodies

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The runoff elections weren't fair because they cheated! Republicans in Georgia have a long history of suppression votes in Black communities. So this wasn't a fair election because Republicans cheated and they still lost.

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Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are divorcing. After naming their kids after directions they're the ones going south.

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Did you hear about the band called 1024mb? They haven’t got a gig yet

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'New year, new me!' said the Covid-19 virus as it mutates.

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What is Google chrome's favorite meat to eat RAM

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I walked into the store yesterday... I should probably stop looking down at my phone.

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After realising I was too short.. for most of the jobs at work, the next day I decided to take steps.

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Women’s ovaries are always acting That’s why women are always overreacting

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Caution: Tinder meetups can cause sparks to fly Don't worry though, they're harmless without any matches

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I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books It was a real page-burner

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Why did the chicken put on sunscreen? So he wouldn’t get fried.

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I Pity the Dyslexic Agnostic For he stays up at night wondering if there really is a Dog.

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A older man was skateboarding down the road A younger kid yelled out "Do a kickflip!"
The man, hard of hearing, yelled back "But i cant see a beer keg anywhere!"
(Its dumb i know-)

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I ran over my neighbor's cat the ither day.. And I felt really bad about it so I told her that I will replace her cat. She said "that's all well and good but how are you at catching mice?"

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What is the best kind of meat to put on your shins? Bologna

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I finally have a good workout routine. Monday: head and shoulders
Tuesday: knees and toes
Wednesday: knees and toes
Thursday: cheat day
Friday: cheat day
Saturday: cheat day
Sunday: cheat day

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TMZ revealed Demi Lovato was briefly attached to Wonder Woman 1984 Her agent then told her it was a super**heroine** film.

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What do Russians eat with their fried chicken? Coleslav

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I heard Dr Dre suffered an aneurysm today. I know they can cause memory loss. I hope he hasn’t forgot about Dre.

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A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad... ...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $29.67? What do you need $35.32 for? $53.89 is a lot of money you know.

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Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ? A: Just stab it 23 times

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$50k in hair extentions was stolen from a downtown hair salon, Police are still combing the area for clues.

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Humans have evolved to longer need heads, being mostly machine. However, one remained in a museum to be preserved for generations. I guess you could say it was a head of its time.

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